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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When the A is nice and normal
Post Info TOPIC: When the A is nice and normal
ilovedogs


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When the A is nice and normal
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I know this is a weird question but what do you do when all of a sudden the A in your life gets normal?  You know, like pleasant, cooperative, nonconfrontational, helpful, etc.  I want to let my guard down but I have so many walls up that I never know what to do.  It's that roller coaster that they put us on and now that jail is over, I guess he's back to normal?  But, how is that fair to me?  He put us through his crappy emotions for the past few months; up and down, up and down, passive aggressive, mean, and confrontational and now he's back to nicey nice and so what do I do?

I used to just go along with it and get nice right back at him and soften myself.  My therapist even told me yesterday that I need to soften and take down some walls but I am so afraid of being hurt again that I keep them up to protect myself.  She also said that if I can't do that then I need to be more assertive about making it clear that I need a break from his craziness and all the stuff with the DUI.

I know he's not drinking right now and won't be for the next 11 days because of the home detention system but who knows if he'll drink again once that's over.  He just drove on his suspended license and drank 10 days ago, I'm guessing it will happen again.  So, there's this part of me that feels I need to protect myself from his future actions and yet, there's this part of me that wants to trust again.

Then, we have other issues that have never been addressed that don't have anything to do with drinking.  Like the fact that he won't go to any of our son's tennis matches because 'he can't handle it' or the fact that he's been badmouthing church in front of our son and I have no idea if he should even come with us in the future and I don't know how to approach this one, either.  Of course, maybe he'll just be normal about church now that jail is over?  NAH, it's never that easy, LOL!



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glad lee


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Hello, my friend, just want to clarify something... the alcoholic (and anyone else) do not have the power to put us on a roller coaster unless we give up our own power. We choose to take that ride, to be a "victim." Or not.

For me, I needed to run to as many meetings as I could, because that was exactly where I got my DETACHMENT FUEL. Only then could I take the focus off of HIM and get a life of my own. I had to sit with others who were actually practicing that, I had to see it with my own eyes, the peace and calm that comes from letting go of the control, which is only an illusion anyway.

It is possible to have a life of contentment and even happiness, whether they are drinking or not. Remember, you are powerless over his choices. But not your own, sweetie ((((hugs))))





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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Pushka


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What glad lee said x10 .. just love him where he is at and let him deal with his own stuff. I know for me when I can get in a detached frame of mind and focus on what I can control which is me and only me I am a much happier camper. It doesn't mean my problems fade away .. I see I have choices that I would have never seen if I continued with my thought process. Hang in there my friend it does get easier.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Jackie11


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You have received great ESH!!!!

Do you have a sponsor?

I've learned a lot reading over at the steps board.

He's going to do what he is going to do. What are you going to do? I'm learning that the better I get at handing my AH to my HP the more peaceful and serene my life stays.



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abbyal


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What do you do when the A is nice and normal ?  ENJOY !!!!  but continue to take care of you . I missed alot of great days waiting for the other shoe to drop nothing i could have done if it had but somehow my little obsessive brain just didnt get that .biggrin  I often ruined a good day by focusing on the past or diving into the future , living one day at a time took me awhile . We cannot be responsible for keeping the alcoholic sober , but we can help by enjoying the good days with them .   Louise



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Dolly Llama


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I'm thinking there is a difference when dealing with an A that is abusive as well. Maybe they all have abusive behaviors to some extent? I don't know all the alcoholics in the world, so I can't say.

I think I understand what you are asking. My AH put me in physical danger more than once. To lower my walls could have been the end of me. When he was "nice and normal" I felt very uneasy. It's like if my neighbor's dog bit me last summer, I would still not go in their yard this year. If I did try to go against my self protective instincts and open up to him, everything I said or did when he was "nice" would be used against me when he turned back into "not so nice." Lowering my walls allowed him to get in and do a recon mission so he could find more ammunition to hurt me later, be it undermining my most sacred goals and dreams or uncovering my soft spots to try to provoke me in a fresh new way. It was like psychological warfare with him. This was something I don't think I was able to communicate very well to the marriage counselors. Because AH was also in the room.

I learned that I could really and truly never be myself around him. The risk was too high. I do not think I am being dramatic. Maybe I was married to a sociopath with an alcohol addiction. I don't know. The only boundary that kept me safe around him was to not have a relationship with him at all.

This was my experience. I don't know if that helps you or is relevant to your situation. But I wanted to validate your feeling of being unable to let those walls down. In my opinion, sometimes we SHOULDN'T. It can be self-care.

The AH may not have the power to put us on the emotional roller-coaster unless we give it to them. But if AH is in your face, throwing bottles at you, threatening you with physical harm or leaving you stranded at 2am in a strange city with no resources...you had better believe I would have second thoughts about enjoying the next day when he decided to act "nice and normal."  Maybe I am missing something.  Well, this was my story. I am happy to be into a new one.




-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Thursday 7th of June 2012 02:20:04 AM



-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Thursday 7th of June 2012 02:21:08 AM

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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Debilyn


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Ya see the thing is it does not matter what he does! Remember we are working on being ok no matter what.

Just love him for him, the disease is not yours to think about.So enjoy his having this time of good. if it goes bad it does, but you will continue on becuz you love him. Sure ya miss the good guy.

But ya learn to glean the good, at the same time keeping your life going no matter when his bad stuff comes up.

He is sick, we are not. We don't have to go down the pit when he does.

This iswhat we do if we want to live with them. We learn to accept things as they are.

This is what Al Anon is all about. His disease is his own not ours.

Ok lets say he was not A. He has a bad cold, is grumpy throwing his stuff around, coughing, throwing hankies all over, can't sleep, gripes about nothing tasting right. Is NO fun.  

I mean his sickness wants to suck you in. But do you lay down and get sick too. Do you change your life, what you like to do? HIs sickness is his not yours. You love him, you don't take it personal.

An A's sickness is not personal either. Of course he will drink again. Just does not matter. What matters is he is not driving, or his body is in his chair safe watching tv. He is next to you at night, is still taking showers.

If we choose to live with them, this is how i did it. Would I rather be there now instead of alone,no. Being honest. I did my best and I am done.

hugs,debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Chaya


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If they never had the "nice and normal" time then we wouldn't stick around would we? The intermittent emotional abuse kept me believing in the fantasy. I usually got about 2 good weeks at a time followed by several more bad ones. Once we went over a month in what felt was the ideal relationship but it was followed by some of his worst and most hurtful behavior to date. After about 16 months of this back and forth, instead of enjoying the "nice and normal" time I spent that time reminding him of his wrongdoing. I still want to share my life with the "nice and normal" B. I love him so much but the baggage left from all the selfishness and destruction from the alcoholic B is too much to handle. The good times haven't become worth it anymore.

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Love, Chaya
surfgirl123


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I too am working on the same thing. I think for me it is about the distinction between boundaries and allowing myself to feel what I need/want to feel. You can allow yourself to feel happy, if that is what you are feeling, and not sacrifice your boundaries. I think you are speaking mostly of that scary idea of 'hope'. I try to stay away from that one as right now in my situation I feel it isn't healthy for me to hope, but I am allowing myself to be happy during the good days with my A, and not allow his bad days to bring me down. Keep working it, :) sg

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surfgirl123
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