The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do not have many details to tell, because not much is happening. Today is one of those days when I find myself dissatisfied and angry. Every few months I am bringing this subject up, but my AB is waiting for the perfect conditions: A place (rental apartment is not good enough), a new job (he was SO unhappy with his old job), and besides the right day (not too many appointments please) it needs to be the right time (on Sundays 6am the chances are biggest that he is hasn't thought too much), perfect air temparature, and I have to make sure I am not wearing the huge comfi pyjamas exactly then.
Once I decided to bring the subject sex to the table, I just heard more and more of those conditions. I am tired of getting them thrown against my head and I have no intention of fulfilling or helping to fulfil any of those. Btw, I can understand why many relatives of alcoholics are so perfectionistic. You cannot fulfil those conditions!!
I do not want to cheat, I already changed Al-Anon groups after feeling hormones bubbling up because of a fellow member. I think this subject is more than about making myself happy. I want a functioning relationship and I find it scary to have the prospect of using our bed for sleeping only in the next years.
I read "The dilemma of the alcoholic marriage" and if those conclusions are true for us, I need a way to handle it. The alhohol is not just destroying the bodily functions, it is also making him gain weight and sweating and smelling terribly. I am afraid of another conversation like
"Honey, do you prefer this negligee or those pyjamas tonight?"
"This, but, darling, seriously. I have to make sure I get into the so and so many months long Asia project."
I sure recognize your description of all the "conditions."
I guess the real question is: can you live with things the way they are? Because we know how hopeless it is to change other people. I was pushed away in every sense -- physically and emotionally -- and the toll it began to take was pretty bad. But some people like a lot of separation in their relationships. It's different for everyone. I hope in time the answer will become clear for you. What's not good is that in-between state where you haven't made peace with things but you're still stuck in them. That was miserable!
I am relatively new to Al-Anon and I think it takes time for me to make peace with things. I already got a lot better, compared to the day of my first meeting. The first beer in the evening or day does not bother me that much any more.
I don't know if I can live like this forever. I gave myself a deadline. Before it I am not making any major decisions, unless necessary. In case though, I wonder if it makes sense to tell him I am breaking up, without having given him a chance?
I also wonder if there is anything I can change about me? In the book "The dilemma of the a. marriage" there were several types of people with sexual problems, and I could consider myself the "doubter", because I have doubts and I am afraid to be hurt.
Al-Anon advises us that when we're in doubt, we wait until things become clearer. (That's for people under no threat of physical harm, of course, which sounds like your case.)
For me, the "giving him a last chance" turned out to be just so I could tell myself that I'd done it and not have second thoughts afterwards. But who in a relationship can't tell whether the other person is unhappy? I think if we've gently but seriously made ourselves clear, we have to take their response as our answer. Now whether that answer is workable for us is a different question.
From everything I've seen and read, problems in a relationship with an A do not get better unless the A goes into recovery. (And sticks with it.) Sometimes recovery isn't enough. But you can't get started on the rest until the recovery is going.
"Forcing" someone into recovery has its own issues. On very rare occasions we can corner someone into making a stab at recovery -- they'll sullenly agree to go to meetings or check into rehab -- but what we find is that unless they make their own decision to recover, they're just going through the motions until the drinking starts again.
I'm sorry if this sounds discouraging. What I've found, though, is that we shouldn't wait for them to stop drinking before we start living our lives peacefully and joyfully. Learning and working the steps helps with that.
I think you are right. I also think he knows that th A is the main issue. He handles it very similarly. I did not find it too discouraging, as it does not mean the end of the relationship right away. The deadline it set myself is next year, so I have at least until then to see things clearly.
