When will I know? - Al-Anon Family Group

beckylee · Member

When will I know?

Chaya · Senior Member

You know it's been enough when you are uncomfortable enough to change. Even though the current circumstances are miserable they are familiar. I guess that just like the alcoholic, maybe you just have to hit your bottom. Perhaps you have not yet reached yours. For me it was going out on a few dates with a wonderful and nice man. Although it ended there, I had forgotten what it was like to be treated well. Next it was coming on here that has helped me, going to a couple meetings last week, and realizing that i am not alone in all this. I am not crazy! It took over 2 years for it to click but it has. We had been broken up for months but i still couldnt give up the fantasy until last week. I've got 6 days of genuinely working on my codepency issues; 6 days since kicking this man out of my life. It feels like such a relief but I can't wrap my head around how long it took me to decide that enough is enough and enough is too much. You will know when it's time and only you will know when you've reached your limit.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will be ready to make necessary changes. I'm so sorry you are in such pain and confusion. It really does get better. I don't know if u are attending face to face meetings. If u aren't I really hope u will if nothing else for the support of caring people around the tables who understand where you are at. Hugs p ;)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was done when I faced he did not love me.

hugs,debilyn

KLotus · Senior Member

Thanks for posting. I am contemplating similar questions. I asked my AH, who has been "sober" for one year, to leave home after he became physical in an argument a couple of months ago (and my 2 year old child was there).

Did he apologize? Sort of. Does he realize he has an issue? Can't say. He is staying away, and supposedly "doing the work," but doesn't have a program. He thinks he doesn't need AA because it isn't his style, just like his mother thinks she should be leading Al-Anon programs, not attending them.

When will I be done? Some days I think I am. When will I stop wavering and make a decision? Dear God, I wish I knew. I am trying to focus on healing my codependency issues, my catastrophic thinking, my deep seated feelings of unworthiness, and my fears.

I am afraid to be on my own, to try and hold down a job without a husband to theoretically fall back on, and to live without him. HE, who sucks the air out of the room, who's intensity is suffocating, and who's emotional stability is outshined by my 2 year old. I haven't been happy in this relationship, FOR MOST OF IT. Why do I stay?

Again, thank you for sharing your experience. I send you blessings.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I was done when I realized that he really and truly was not going to stop drinking. Our child was small then, and taking care of a small child on my own was easier than taking care of two small children, one of whom weighed 200 pounds and thought he should be in charge of the other one. When he endangered our child, I was out of there.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.