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I sooo remember this. At that time, it helped when my sponsor told me alcoholics are Egomaniacs with an Inferiority Complex - it helped explain my AH's constant need to put me down. It's classic ego stuff. In his mind, if I'm "wrong" then, that means he gets to be "right." He seemed to get high off of that notion. But it didn't end with me, I observed him comparing himself to others EVERYWHERE we went, he was always the know-it-all, always setting everyone straight.
For me, it doesn't affect me unless I start BELIEVING the insanity, that's when I start getting fearful, I get emotionally hooked and in danger of losing MY emotional sobriety just trying to prove myself. This is how I gradually lost my self-esteem over the years. Of course, if someone keeps telling me that I am a purple pig, day after day, after day after day..... indeed I might start wondering if maybe I AM a purple pig! That's why it's soooooo important for me to get with a fellowship of equals who understand what it's like living with active alcoholism, they will remind me that this has NOTHING to do with me (and that I am not a purple pig, hehee)
You might ask yourself, Do I wanna be "right" or do I wanna be happy? I learned to simply respond to my AH, "You may be right, hunny." And leave it at that because anything else was like putting my boxing gloves on and stepping into the ring with him. In my mind, that comment left it open, "You may be wrong." But he didnt' have to know that, he couldn't handle that he may be wrong, which is sad. But I get to keep my serenity - the goal of my recovery, and all I can control.
Don't believe his lies, my friend. It has nothing to do with you, you are just fine.
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 9th of June 2012 09:43:54 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hey all, any wisdom or ideas for dealing with constantly being corrected? I want to yell and scream, "what I said is NOT wrong!" These are minor things... different adjectives for crying out loud! I am thinking about carrying a dictionary and thesaurus, to prove we are saying the same thing, but that would really be a waste of time and energy. Ugh! For some reason this is really bothering me today.
My Ah tried to micromanage me, correct me, direct my life. It wore me out and I felt like a child. Once I responded to him, "Yes, dad." Not a serene response, but hey, no one's perfect!
In time I learned to be very strong and sure of myself, my thoughts, my decisions. That way, I didn't give anyone the opportunity to rattle me. It would be like if someone were to say I had purple skin...if I was sure that I didn't, their opinion didn't matter and I didn't feel the need to defend myself against something I knew wasn't true.
It's hard to have a conversation with someone who seems to want to one-up you all the time. I, too, learned to say "You may be right." and walk away from the convo. In my experience, that was the only way to shut it down. Remember you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I find QTIPing the situation (Quit Taking It Personally), .. I love the "You might be right" I use it often and without malice or ill intent the reality is they might be it doesn't take away the fact that I'm entitled to my own opinion and they are also entitled to theirs.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I really used to hate the "you might be right" response from my recovering alcoholic boyfriend because it became his response to disregard my feelings and avoid having a discussion about anything.
You can't rationalize with irrational people. Your energy would be so much better used taking care of yourself! Picture on your A's forhead the word sick, sick, sick if it helps. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks all! I know arguing is a waste of time and energy, he will always be right (at least in his mind). I am working on walking away, changing the subject or just letting it go.
