The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Himself very cranky this morning. Yelled once, said something entirely unreasonable and mean in a quieter voice later.
I told him that when he is like this nothing I do is ever right to him. And that I hope I don't have to start staying away from him in the morning because I prefer to fix his breakfast (he's back on the DASH diet for his BP, and I'm cooking everything from scratch and keeping the sodium low, but it's up to him to keep track and not eat a bunch of prepared junk). And I said I was glad he wasn't yelling this time and it really is unnecessary.
And later he came where I was and apologized. It may be because he actually realizes it is in his best interest for me not to decide to stay away from him in the mornings as I did for several years before he retired.
Anyway, the Miracle? part is that he said I am sorry and I will try to do better. I can count on my fingers how many times that has happened over the decades.
It doesn't necessarily mean that he will be able to do what he says--I'm not getting my hopes up. It's just the only time in about a year now of his raging at least once a day that he has stopped and said he was sorry.
So, no real biggie, but refreshing, nevertheless.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Aloha Temple...I see this as a biggie!! Change!! What you did and how you did it helped him to reflect (inventory) his behaviors and your relationship together and he did the recovery thing. We spoke of the 10th step a short while back and when I read your post and relate it to what I learned and how it works now...this change is what happened. How humbling a miracle that is and what proof that I also need to follow the examples of the family in recovery both yours and his. Just don't give him a medal. Often I'm too shy to even respond with a thank you because that reveals I've judged...most likely "I love you" has been the most appropriate response with my spouse who rarely has taken the humble response your husband has with you. Powerful...good self support and affirmation. Thanks. (((((Hugs)))))
I got a Hawaiian Blessing! That's a response to a post from The Jerry.
Yes, as deaf and unconscious as he usually seems to be, he can hear me when I speak very softly and leave part of it for him to figure out. (And when it gets down to basics--I really don't think he wants to be "abandoned" in any form.) ' He decided to quit drinking--and did it cold turkey--when I said one time very quietly: I need to know if you are going to continue to drink, because I need to plan my life.
That was beginner's luck, because it was just that day that the 12 year old and I had realized he was an alcoholic. And all I knew was that Eric Berne said that Alcoholic is a game that cannot be won.
So anyhow, thank you for the very positive reinforcement ' I'm not as excited as you are, because when we moved here, he was going to do X and Y and Z and he was so happy and that didn't last two months and he was all angry all the time again. I had suggested we get two little houses within " Come over for supper" and "Hey, I'll come and mow the grass" distance. Because when he took a job several hundred miles away and came home for 3 days every other weekend, I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
If things don't get a lot better, and if I can continue getting myself well while ducking bullets, one day after I've got my strength up and have my hernia repaired and have consulted a lawyer, I will quietly mention that I hope I can continue to live here, because I really love this house. I remember my father, who was 24 years older than my mother, saying one day when he was in his 70s, that he would go to an "Old Folks' Home" if he had to, because he couldn't stand the constant nagging she was doing. And now I know the feeling. Nobody in my FOO ever raged. I'm doing better the last few days, but I had some chest pains after this morning's entertainment.
I was so dumb--I thought the progressive part meant if Husband ever started drinking again he'd be farther along than when he stopped. I didn't know that he'd continue to get crazier whether he was drinking or not if he wasn't in recovery. And he's not in recovery, because he is fine, you know.
Thanks for reading and responding. You didn't know you were going to have my life story dumped in your lap, did you? And I really do know that it's all up to me--I am getting a clearer picture with every post I read--whether it's the wisdom of the way up there in recovery members or the OMG What Fresh Hell is This? ones from one of us beginners. I count myself as a beginner, for very good reasons.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Really great, I love how you did that. I'm always looking for better ways to communicate both with my kids and with my RBF. I love how you sort of put it out there as a sympathetic recognition that a change may have to occur due to his behaviors. No blaming, anger, etc. That's awesome.
It may have been when I was reading about your son the other day that I realized I'd do better to think of Him as an 8 year old, memory impaired, mentally ill boy.
You would not believe how many times I have explained to him or screamed back at him (not as often) that his yelling damn' near slams me into PTSD. I know I had let it exhaust my adrenals over time. I used to explain all kinds of things to him in a very reasonable tone, or a pleading tone. Cause if he told me that something I was doing was bothering him or especially if it were Hurting him, I wouldn't have done it. Even if he just had a preference for something.
But his mind doesn't work that way--not for me, anyway. No empathy happening in there. I think he's put me in the same category as his mother--he said long after we were married that he had "handled" her by making her cry. Oh, nice. Yes, I'd have wanted to sign on for that.
Anyway, it is only when it is in his interest that he can hear me. I would think that it would be in his interest to have a happy wife, but not the case. The thread just below this about the husband who constantly corrects his wife illustrates that, as well.
I used to tell the story of how several years ago I'd been lying in bed in my housecoat for three days with my face turned to the wall and he came bouncing in and announced: "I am worried about Jim (a co-worker); I think he is depressed." I did not make that up. And it is so ridiculous I can actually laugh about it.
Anyway, with that realization, finally, that he really is not running on the same frequency that I am that I was able to do some good detaching. I used to expect him to behave as an adult with a sound mind. And I'd get really upset because he didn't. There's been so much on here lately about "because he's an alcoholic" and "it's a disease" and it all finally starts sinking in.
Oh--I had a thought today. If this is a disease, then why in the 21st century is it still be treated like a shameful social failing? That's why it's easier for me to think of it as a genetic defect. Maybe after every single person in Hollywood has trooped off to rehab five times, some of the stigma will go away. When it's Alcoholics Out There instead of AA, I think we'll have made some progress. And it will be easier for people to seek treatment. I mean calling it a disease (that dare not speak it's name in public) sends a mixed message. And I think the Founding Fathers of AA did an outstanding job, but times have changed. And I hope they change more. The privacy thing I certainly understand.
As I said before, I get so much from every post and am so grateful for everybody who shares--whatever it is.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
