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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Too Much Love
Post Info TOPIC: Too Much Love
jewel91


Member

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Posts: 24
Date:
Too Much Love
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I wonder were the line is. Exactly where do my boundaries end and chaos and stupidness begins. When do I say when. I love an Alcoholic, that is my problem. The problem doesn't exist just because he's active again, he's been scheming on his next beer for months now... Not wanting any treatment or counseling for Alcoholism, but only Bipolar disorder (a side-effect of Alcoholism in my opinion). If I had no love for the Brother, I certainly would write him off as a lunatic and wouldn't let him near me or my children. I would certainly change all the locks of both the house and the car, get an order of protection against him so that any "visits" will be met by the police. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have to think about him in the future-past-or present tense. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't wish that he'd call me and just say something, anything at all. If I didn't love him I would take all his 'belongings' out the bedroom and move all this stuff to the outdoor shed and rearrange the house in an orderly matter, in fact I would clean this whole place up and add an add'l paying adult in his place. 


If I didn't love him I'd move on with my life and stop making bad decisions and get my life, responsibilities, and health back in order. If I didn't love him I would think that 'I can do better then this for my family, health and spiritual life,' and therefore spend more quality time with the kids, exercise, and God. If I didn't love him I could replace my pre-sleep nightcap with exercise and wake up refreshed and energized. If I didn't love him I would think that I don't need him or anyone else that is mentally incapable of being responsible for all periods of time. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't get so full of anger with every add'l word out his mouth, I would push him and tell him to take all his stuff with him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't drop him off at his father's gravestone because that is who he is quickly becoming. If I didn't love him I wouldn't cry about losing him or all the wasted years. If I didn't love him I would give 100% to being the best mom, daughter, sister, friend, Christian, Real Estate agent, and role model. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have an anger problem or feel always on the verge of seriously hurting him. If I didn't love him I wouldn't need help making simple decisions and using common sense or feel crazy myself. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be 'all caught up' with trying to please him and avoiding 'pressing his buttons' and focus only on living a life pleasing to God.  WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM?


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Dolly Llama


Senior Member

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Posts: 284
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In my experience....it wasn't that I loved the alcoholic too much...it was that I loved myself too little...

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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:
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I like Dolly's response also...Why are you blaming him?  What do you think it feels like to be loved by you?  Maybe it's not love...maybe it's addiction...Those are only a few of the questions and statements I got from the Al-Anon Family Groups in the area and at the time I got into recovery.  Today I love her, unconditonally and I found out I didn't need her to be responsible for my happiness or sadness and I pray she is still clean and sober and happy where ever she is at.  May be it isn't love at all...   Keep coming back.  I hope you are attending a face to face Al-Anon Meetings in your area and if you're not check out their hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and call to see when and where we meet.    (((((hugs))))) smile



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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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Of course you love him! He is your brother. Even if you are not religious I like to read 1st Corinthians 13:4-8.

You truly love him. I grew up with a friend who's brother has Downs Syndrome. I LOVE B!!! He did the weirdest things, changed all our lives not always for the good. Drove Grampas car into the closed garage door when he was five.....

He has a disease. Yes totally different than an A but a disease. We don't stop loving someone cuz they are sick!!!

I invite you to read,"Getting Them Sober." Sadly what you are doing is enabling his disease. Making him comfortable and making his disease have a great time.

He needs to live on his own and figure out using is no fun when you don't have a sis who is babysitting you. It's hard to face that if we really love them, we do tell them to figure out it all by themselves and not "help" the disease.

I am sad he is so sick, he surely would never want you to allow this disease to make you sick too, which is exactly what is happening, plus your kids are sick too!

Keep coming! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
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Al-anon teaches dettachment so you can do all those things you are wanting to do and practice self care and self love and get out of your head a bit in order to have the energy to be productive and change the destructive cycles. I hope you can dive into face to face meetings and find a sponsor in time and accomplish your hearts desires in time. It's about progress not perfection and that starts with the next best step. Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
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