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Looking for some ESH from those who have either moved on from a cheating/lying spouse or those who stayed. Words cant explain the pain that I am feeling, but am I crazy for thinking about wanting to work things out? If he lied once wont he keep doing it? As of now were are broken up and clearly marriage is off the table now; but even though my heart hurts so much from his lies, I have never felt so strongly about wanting to work it out. I feel like Im a crazy person and I knew this would be the only place I could say this without being judged For the past year we have been on and off, and now I am learning about some of his poor decisions to be with other girls and it really hurts, but he recently got a good job, health insurance and seems to be moving in the right direction. Am I an idiot to believe another round of the "im changing" game?
I'm 120 days out, .. I strongly suspect that my A is actively drinking and will continue to do so. He has been cheating on some level probably for about the past 2 1/2 years maybe even longer. At this point it doesn't even matter how long because for me the end result is the same. We have made a decision to end the relationship.
I am so sorry for your pain .. all I can tell you is it does get better. I had to think about what was best for me and my situation. I know people who have and can work it out. Both parties have to be in it to make it work. It can't be because one person wants it to work. The thing that it kept coming back to for me is that my A would not go to counseling; he verbalized he wanted out; his actions matched his words. For me that sent a strong message that if nothing changes .. well guess what .. nothing was going to change and very honestly I would never be able to look at him and believe a word he was saying. It would have been train wreck with some sever casualties.
Take BIG BIG heart that you are experiencing a feeling .. feelings are not facts we do NOT have to act on them .. we can say hmm .. know what I"m having this feeling .. call a program person, come here to the boards, call your sponsor, go to a meeting, read some alanon lit. See how you feel after a GOOD nights rest and a nice breakfast in the morning .. you may surprise yourself. This to shall pass. It really does and the sun comes out the next day and I get to see what blessings God has in store for me the next go round.
Something I really had to think about .. I want to be someone's plan A, .. I don't want to be settled for and I was definitely a plan B .. that hurts a LOT .. however my mind has been opened in ways that I can't begin to describe. I'm not sitting on my high horse going look at me I was completely victimized and I had no part .. reality is .. I played a part and I'm only now learning for me what part that was .. because .. I want to change. I want to change into the woman that I believe God originally made me to be. It's so not going to be easy .. however the rewards are priceless. I can honestly say I'm only now beginning to get to know who I am .. and I am soooo grateful for that.
You don't have to make any decisions right this second.
Keep coming back, big cyber hug, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Clearly it is possible for people to change, or we all wouldn't be here working on making our lives better.
I guess my question would be: does he want to change? Is he moving forward on that?
I always took my cue in relationships from the strength of my feelings. If I felt strongly, I thought that meant the relationship "just had to be." What I found out was that it takes two people having strong feelings to make it work. It ended up with me trying to do both sides of the relationship. What I hadn't paid attention to was the saying, "When people show you who they are, believe them." I didn't look at him, I was just looking at what I needed.
But the good news is that there's no need to make a quick decision. If he wants to be reliable and a good partner, his actions will show that. Those might be shown, for instance, by his taking your pain seriously, acknowledging his wrongdoings, and having a plan for the future. None of us are defined only by our mistakes, or we'd all have no hope. I think in your shoes I might be looking to see if he's taking the steps necessary to move forward in a better way (a program of recovery? making amends?). Then you'll know the real situation and can make decisions from there.
More so.. you know you. Here are some questions to ask yourself that may help. You don't have to answer them to me, and you don't even have to ask yourself them... these are just my thoughts on it.
In 6 months time when he is late home from that great job... do you know you won't wonder? Next time there is a work party and you are not invited.... will you feel comfortable? Next time he tells you a little white lie... will you believe thats all there is? Do you know for sure you can let it go and be his forever person and trust him?
I have been cheated on, and I have been the cheater. It took me a lot of hurt and heartache and working on myself, and a new relationship, to change and know that I will not cheat again. If it comes to it, I will leave the relationship.
My husband has lied to me, decieved me about his drug use and some other things. I know for certain he has never cheated on me in a sexual way. I am confident of that and comfortable with it. He knows I was a cheater in teh past and has expressed that he fears I may cheat if I really 'get upset' with him. I have told him I will not. He was worried when he was smoking pot every day and he knew I was not happy. He figured I woudl go and get happy elsewhere... still didn't stop him smoking pot.
Lots of thing hang over our shoulders in my marriage... but cheating isn't one of them.
It was with my ex husband. I knew he cheated, and then, in retaliation... so did I. He is now my ex.
Wanting to work it out is good, not wanting to work it out is ok also. Do you have a rule like "if you do it again I will 'xyz' " or is it just wanting him back with no boundaries.
Believing him is one thing... can you trust him with the rest of your life? Maybe you say you can... I couldn't I know that much.
Wtih my ex, when I first found out he was cheating I confronted him and he denied denied denied. I initiated an 'open marriage' so he could explore his sexuality and be open about it.. no lies... it didn't work. He still lied and cheated.
For my ex, it is the secrecy and the running around that he really enjoys. It is part of the fun for him.
I do hope you can get through this difficult time.
What I've found is that when two people come together and engage in maladaptive behaviors (pick anyone: codependency, addiction, enabling, abuse, etc) that the amount of force needed for both to change while staying in the relationship, is far greater than the ability for most to successfully do so. Now, never say never and I'm sure there are plenty of examples where people have done so.
Another thought I find - I was initially attracted to my ex (abuse/dry drunk for him codependency/enabling for me) when we met and then we married and engaged in this sick dance for 15 years. We tried everything to "change" ourselves. We "fit" sick. But now 5 years after, and having done a TON of work on me while being single for 5 years, I have zero in common with him, I have zero attraction to him and he drives me nuts. It's no different than when we were married but it was what I was used to, it fit, it felt familiar. But really had I been "well" I'd never have picked him in a million years.
No one can really answer your questions because only you and your ex have the answers inside. His ability to change is entirely his and I know that 15 years of promises and good intentions never panned out.
I hang onto the fact that we don't have to make any decisions right now. Give yourself time to dig into this.
I so love the ESH here! All I have to offer you is I couldn't get over it and it fed my victim mentality of old. Now that I am free and working on myself singly I am able to breath and really get to work on me, which I couldn't, lack of something within me. I am sending you much love and support!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
No one's going to tell you you're crazy or sane. Haha. That's what I love about Al-Anon.
I'm sorry you're hurting so much, though. The pain of a cheating spouse is not something I would wish on even my worst enemy.
I can only speak from my own experience. My exAH cheated and his behaviors surrounding that were by far more painful and upsetting for me than his drinking problem. Of course, I'm a pretty firm believer that alcoholism certainly played a gigantic role in his cheating.
I tried to see if I could continue a relationship with my exAH after I had discovered the cheating. However, for me, the betrayal cut just far too deep and I could never bring myself to trust him again. But I truly gave it a couple of years to really come to a full and calm understanding of this. I really did try to leave no stone unturned where our relationship was concerned, trying to see if some how, some way we could work it out. I even tried to look at the relationship with the concept "there is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so." I mean, I figured in other cultures it was perfectly normal and okay to step outside of the relationship and have sex with others. But my morals just never really fit with that way of thinking. Just couldn't get past it.
I saw plenty of effort on my part, but barely any on his. As someone else mentioned, actions speak louder than words. While my ex said he'd never do it again and that he was sorry, he did end up doing it again (at least that I know of, but gut instincts tell me it was way more than the only times I caught on.)
In the long run, I did accept my exAH for who he was. Cheating was a part of him. And, I really looked at that with no judgement. But I also took a good hard look at my own desires and needs and knew that while I accepted his nature, it didn't mean I needed to stay married to him. And, it was also a matter of my physical safety. My ex was extremely promiscuous with his cheating and knowing that, I was at risk for contracting an STD from him at any given time if I continued to stay in a relationship with him. Either that or settle for a sexless marriage, which was not something I was willing to do.
Just take things one day at a time. You don't have to make any decisions now. In fact, when I'm getting all stirred up and feeling the butterflies and anxiety, that's a sure sign for me to NOT make any major decisions. It's more a sign that I need to pick up the phone and call my sponsor, get over to a meeting and/or read some CAL.
Thank you for sharing with us. If I could take the pain away, I could. Lord I know how awful it hurts. But as someone else promised, it does start to go away with time.
For the past year we have been on and off, and now I am learning about some of his poor decisions to be with other girls and it really hurts, but he recently got a good job, health insurance and seems to be moving in the right direction. Am I an idiot to believe another round of the "im changing" game?