The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My inner voice is probably the worst enemy I have. It feeds the codependence triggered by my alcoholic. So here I am, up late and trying to catch myself before I relapse.
So far, my A has been sober (this time) for 21 days. So this isn't about drinking, but I think I just witnessed her get triggered. And I can't help but feel upset by it.
I have a few health problems. I told her when we met that somedays, some weeks, I might be down and out. Anyway - when I've gotten sick in the past, she has usually iced me. Which feels terrible! This is my biggest trigger; is watching her shut down because I don't feel well. I don't ask anything of her. But when I feel like crap, and she wants to do something I don't feel like doing, she thinks I am complaining; but I feel I'm explaining the reason I'm not up to snuff.
So I have this kidney infection right now. She has been supportive for the last few days. Today, I went to the doctor and she went and was supportive. Just a moment ago, she started complaining about how the doctor pressed on my stomach and how she must be stupid to think that wouldn't further irritate my condition. And suddenly, she turned on the ice.
I feel ...... not sure of the word. How can someone who is so loving and supportive normally turn her cold shoulder on me when I truly need understanding? Anyone recognize that type of behavior? Gah. This pattern I hoped would disappear when she stopped drinking.
I think I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
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"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
I'm not sure what alanon books you have however a slogan that came to mind as I read your post was something that was touched upon during my meeting tonight.
Let it begin with me - If your A can't support you during times of crisis, health and so on .. I hope you have additional outlets for that kind of support.
What popped out at me tonight was this analogy on page 70 out of How Alanon Works, "This is like going hungry while waiting for someone who doesn't cook to make dinner. "Let it begin with me" might suggest that we go ahead and make dinner ourselves, go out for dinner, or make plans with someone who cooks. In short, we take responsibility for getting our own needs met. "
The drinking is only a symptom of the addiction .. they have to address how they think just like we do. She may not be able to meet those needs and expecting her to give you something she just can't at this point and time is kind of a set up job. You can sure tell her how you feel and that you need to be supported and maybe even how you need to be supported .. if she can't .. she can't.
You deserve to have support and to be supported. It really sucks to feel sick and then think you can rely on someone and nope .. they are so not there, this is not just anyone this is our significant other who just doesn't know how to be there. I think in all fairness having an open, honest conversation about what you need is ok. If I'm in the kitchen cleaning up and I start stewing that no one is helping me .. who's responsible for my stewing .. me or the fact I haven't spoken up?
Hugs, I hope you are feeling better and that you are able to take care of you, putting that energy into getting well is where it is at, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"This is like going hungry while waiting for someone who doesn't cook to make dinner. "Let it begin with me" might suggest that we go ahead and make dinner ourselves, go out for dinner, or make plans with someone who cooks. In short, we take responsibility for getting our own needs met. "
She may not be able to meet those needs and expecting her to give you something she just can't at this point and time is kind of a set up job.
These things really rang through to me. Thanks for your quick reply. You're right. I may be either expecting her to change in a snap or perhaps she just isn't the person I need in my life. The only way to know is to have a little more patience and see. For today, I will do what I need to do in order to get well.
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"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
Littlehawk and Pushka ~ Just wanted to say thanks for this. I see similar dynamics in my life and the analogy about cooking is just perfect for me right now. No sense being hungry waiting for someone who doesn't cook to make dinner. We can take responsibility for meeting our own needs and accepting the limitations of those around us. Love it! Thanks for sharing! Littlehawk, I hope you get to feeling better soon
Thanks for the support. I got through the night and the morning without needing to bring up her attitude last night and as a result things were serene this morning around the Littlehawk house. And thanks for the well wishing! Hope you all have a wonderful day!
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"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
Well, this sounds so much like my dad!!! My dad couldn't handle stuff like other people's illnesses. One of the things that really sent him into heavy drinking was when my younger sister was diagnosed with leukemia, she was 5 years old at the time(I am 8 years older so I was 13). My mom did everything and I watched my dad hide and avoid his pain and anguish over the possibility of losing his child to cancer. He did nothing to comfort me as I was always stuck at home with him while my mom was at the hospital with my sister.
My own AH isn't that bad but he drops the ball in other ways and is extremely selfish and has an entitlement mentality. His mother was an emergency room nurse so he's actually better about dealing with health stuff in general. He does like to use my medical issues against me,though, when we argue. Like if I mention taking a trip to the mountains he'll remind me of the time I got altitude sickness and maybe it's not a good trip to take. Umm, he fails to mention the other 10 times I've been up there without any issues, he just remembers the ONE time I got sick, LOL!
Pushka's cooking dinner analogy was spot on. Taking responsibility for ourselves can make us feel better. Finding a new source of support is helpful, too. I started going back to church, I come here to MIP, I've reached out to friends that I knew wouldn't judge my AH when I confessed to them the troubles we're having at home, and I joined Al Anon and found support there. You just can't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread, LOL!
And thanks for the well wishing! Hope you all have a wonderful day!