The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope you are able to make it to Al-anon local meetings. I was just reading about family scapegoats in a adult children of alcoholics book. This disease of alcoholism is so wicked and enough to send you off on the crazytrain express. The only way I learned to stay off it was to go to meetings, come here to MIP and talk with my sponsor. No one deserves to be physically or emotionally abused! Keep coming back. Sending you love and support!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Sunday 3rd of June 2012 11:28:54 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was at my nieces graduation from highschool and afterwords there was a party for the graduatels at my sisters(the alcoholic) friends house. I was helping to get the food ready and my sister said something rude. I could tell how the day was going to go so my daughter and I left to avoid a drunken confrontation. I went back to my sister's house where i was staying as I lived out of town and was invited to come.
The party started at two and I left at 230 my sister arrived home at 8pm drunk off her *** and started harrassing me and and telling me to get the **** out of her house. My daughter(22) got her things and I was getting my things and I was (stupidly) trying to find out what the problem was and she punched me in the face twice. I reported her to the police and she was arrested and put in Jail.
My other sister when I told her the situation tried to bail my sister out of jail and then told me I must have done something to cause it.
I am confused, hurt, frustraited, and angry everyone tries to protect my alcoholic sister and then tries to shift the blame to me when I confront her in any way. How is it that me getting punched in the face is my fault in any way. I did not hit back or push or anything I just got my things and left and she slammed the door on me.
My whole life when something outrageous happened to me, my family and then later my AH would always assume that i had caused it.
Years later, I still sometimes think that I have caused others' behavior.
DON'T BUY WHAT THEY ARE SELLIN!
Just keep doing the next right thing...quietly, calmly, and with integrity -- you will always get blame and blowback from the people on the crazytrain..because without pointing a finger at you, they might have to take ownership for some of their craziness...it's easier to be mad at you than to do the self-work they so desperately need to do...
Alcoholism is a family illness. You are the one person who is most disengaged from the family sickness so you get the short end of the stick. In order for your sister to carry on the way she is, she must have a lot of enablers (the rest of your family). You can feel good that you are not as much a part of the dysfunction. I know it hurts to be divided from your family but it's better than 1. being the alcoholic and/or 2. being so wrapped up in the alcoholic's drama that you cannot see right from wrong.
I will like to go to a meeting. Yes it feels like crazy train anytime I go near my sister and my Husband always says to stay away from them but it was my niecec graduation and I felt I needed to be there. Last time I tried to stay away from the crazy train was my nephews barmitzvah and I said I dont want to deal with any of my sister(alcholic) bs and my other sister got mad at me, the one throwing the barmizvah, and she even got her children to be mad at me. I consented to come but I watched the service and then left. After giving my nephew a hug.
Yes I have been removed for years and the longer I am away and living with my sane husband who treats me with respect and love the less I can tolerate being near the crazy abusive alcoholic train.
The last time I saw my family more than a decade ago. I encountered chaos, tension and lots of misunderstandings.
My elder sister has assaulted me on many occasions but I long ago removed myself from her company.
I wouldn't say anything about your conduct was stupid. For me removing myself from an alcoholic situation has become critical in my life. I try to steer real clear of anyone who I perceive to be alcoholic. I have both compassion for the alcoholic and compassion for myself. I have limits about how much chaos, tension and trouble I can endure.
I spent decades trying to get my family to switch from their engraved roles. Their denial, fear, obstinance was really deep. In time I saw it wasn't about me but about them and I had to really work on changing me.
For me my present life doesn't include my family that was a very difficult decision to make. I stopped seeing and any contact with them for a long time. I tried again and found I couldnt' endure the chaos and contention.
No one here is going to tell you what to do about your own family but I do know that the al anon suggestions helped me. I always held out hope that my family were going to "see" me. They didn't. So I adapted the al anon suggestions of expecting an alcoholic to behave like an alcoholic. My family have always been that way and that is the way they choose to stay.
What changed was my reaction to their choices, my reaction to their not being able to see me and my own choice not to go into the battle one more time.
Pinkchip's comment about the one most disengaged from the alcoholic family getting the short end of the stick hit home for me. My family's not alcoholic, but might as well be (same dynamics and behaviors, other addictions). I'm very detached emotionally and physically and somehow end up getting the blame. It's like my being healthy has caused me to be even more of a scapegoat.
Whatever. I don't accept that role anymore, though it means I barely speak to my family.
I think it took great courage and awareness to call the police, and I commend you for that. It was not your fault in any way. No one earns an assault. You were there to support and celebrate your niece...I hope you were able to share a special moment with her despite all the drama.
Don't have much else to add, but I wanted you to know that you definitely aren't alone. I am the relatively healthiest person in my family and I understand how lonely and weird that can feel. All I can say is...we can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. I am building a family of friends for myself, slowly and thoughtfully. I have found some very wonderful, goodhearted people in Al Anon and would highly recommend in-person meetings. For those of us with defunct family systems, it is AMAZING to be heard, validated, and loved just as we are.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I've got 3 boys, one is mentally ill and has major behavioral issues. And something I've gotten caught up in, and have tried and it's been nearly impossible to stop is - the whole "don't poke the bear" comments regarding reactions we get from this son. Actually I notice its with all 3 of them and I hope and pray we can find a way to end it.
Basically it's the root of "you made this person react that way". It's a fine line. While it's not ok to instigate someone (this isn't directed at you, this is related to my kids who do this), the concept of "you must have done something to cause this" is a hardwired belief we seem to just grow up with.
There is the concept of how we treat others and our part in the yin and yang of the world. But in sick families where someone doesn't react "normally" to situations, this compounded sort of "damage control" occurs where we can't get the sick person to stop acting crazy, so lets tell all the rest of the family "hey, just stay away from sick person, you're responsible if you set him/her off".
Then we find ourselves scratching our heads at how it's our fault the sick person flipped out yet again and everyone is mad at us....!
It's sadly unconscious. I am catching myself and have been working on teaching my kids now how they need to be responsible for their reactions, how to back away, calm down and think before they react. I pray it's not too late but I myself have been guilty of this and it results in a whole dynamic of issues. Currently is the issue that said 8 year old (the youngest) is so used to this line of thinking that everyone else is to blame for his behaviors in his head! It's taken everyone over a year to get even a little progress on "self responsibility" for him. Thankfully my oldest is maturing and grasping things better - I'm seeing progress in him on this front.
I think this is just how it starts. I know initially my intentions were to "save" his brothers from the wrath - but it ends up this sick, twisted "tail wagging the dog" thing that you can't stop.
A stronger me, I know what you are going through my younger sister has a son with aspbergers. hang in there you are doing the right thing and I know how hard it is.
Yes I am the most disengaged and it has taken me over 10 years to get to the point of realizing I dont deserve to be treated that way and start standing up for myself(saying your behavior is unacceptable). With this I get the blame for "poking the bear" as was said above.
I know my sister who is in jail will probably not talk to me until she has gone through some sort of program and even then in might never be but this is better than dealing with the chaos. I pray that she gets the help she needs and I am working and have been working for years on myself. I think Al Anon would be a good next step in helping alleviate my old pattern of taking on all the guilt.
Right now the sister who is in Jail is planning to move in with my other sister across country because she lost her house. I will not go there as long as she is drinking and probably not until she has a good bit of recovery under her belt; if that ever happens. If it does not I wish them well with the vortex of crazy town.
this ''sister abuse'' brings back a major issue for me. I was the youngest of 3 children in an A-abusive household. Being the littlest, I had the honor(NOT) of being everyone's punching bag. Even into adulthood, my sister would throw a punch to my face if she heard something she didn't like. I was 35yo the last time she punched me. For the next 20+yrs, I walked a tight rope around my sister living in constant fear of that next punch.
Then one day, I realized that I was an adult and did not have to accept this behaviour any longer and anyone who raises their hand to me has no place in my life. I made the decision to separate myself from Sis & haven't seen nor spoken to her in aprox 8yrs and to be totally honest, I don't miss her. Occasional sadness comes over me but I've never regreted my decision.
