The material presented
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My boyfriend has relapsed. Hasn't used in 5 days or so he says. How do I deal with this extreme fear and anxiety that he is going to use again. I know with my brain that he is going to. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. I know all this stuff but my heart is broken. I have done nothing while he has beeen at work but look at the cell phone records to see if he has called his dealer yet and looked and the bank account to see if enough money is gone. This has consumed my day. I have not even taken a shower. I need for this insanity to go away. I hate being like this. I hear all this stuff about working the steps but i don't have a clue how to start. Is there a workbook? If so where do I get it?
Welcome. Have you been able to go to a face to face meeting? A good book to start with is "How Alanon Works". I have been in this program for about 18 months and just read it and I learned so many new perspectives.
I understand your anxiety and the consumed feelings of insanity. I was there--can go there real quick if I am not careful of my awareness to how *I* am doing. After all this time, my husband relapses monthly....it is never easy but I have learned how to deal with it better over time. Deep breaths, knowing that he is not intentionally *doing* anything to *me*, and taking care of myself first. It is never easy to see the one you love do this to themselves but in Al-Anon you can get help.
Step one: I am Powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. To me, this meant giving up all the attempted control over my AH's drinking. Surrendering that I was powerless over his actions, his choice to drink when we needed him most, or when he was responsible for his kids. Definitely clear that my life was unmanageable. At his worse relapses, I used "Live and Let Live" over and over. I need to let him live--he has free will to choose to drink--but I NEED TO LIVE. Worrying over his drinking is NOT living. So I took it one hour at a time and got through each crisis and each time it gets a little easier...
Best wishes--you are in the right place. I went to many many meetings when I first turned to Al-Anon and it truly did restore my sanity when I began to really work it.
Welcome Shandi1966, Anxiety is a terrible thing that we go through in living with an A or DA, look in your local newpaper or online to see if there are f2f meetings in your area, your local library may carry some of the Al-anon based books as well as your local bookstore. I personally have not been to a f2f meeting but do have quite a few books that have helped as well as MIP, you did come to the right place where you will get compassion and sincere outlooks on what others did that worked for them.
On top of MIP and my books I scroll through and read a a lot of other posts on here which help in realizing that I am not alone!! Also if you are having severe anxiety which is what I have after many many years of mental abuse from my AH, you may want to look in your local phone book and see if there is a mental health clinic in your area, most will take walk in's and assign you a therapist you can talk to. I am in therapy and with the help (not that I am saying you should be on meds) but for ME with the help of antianxiety and antidepressive meds I am feeling much better and can deal with the stress on a new level. Anxiety is not something to leave unattended as it can hurt you physically as well as mentally.
I hope you find peace within yourself and are able to disconnect from his actions, he is going to do what he is going to do not matter what, the knowledge that you cannot stop him and that you did not cause him to do the things he does is a terrific start for you. The more you keep looking at cell phone records and bank statements (I hope it is not a joint account) the more you will keep being sucked into his drama. You are worth more than that!!
I sincerely hope you are able to find some peace and serenity for YOU, and I hope you keeping coming back!!
