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This is my first post on any Internet forum, I don't know if this is appropriate place but anyway... I lost my mother 3 months ago to cirrhosis, she was 65. I'm having real trouble trying to convey the emotions I have about this. I feel the closest thing for me to compare it to is losing a parent to suicide, it's tragic and awful and sad and has caused my family the worst kind of pain and yet I've never felt such anger, guilt and remorse. As much as people have reached out to me, friends in similar situations who have lost a parent, I simply find no solace in it. I cannot relate. Nor can I relate to many of the stories on here and those of other alcoholics, these DUIs, arrests and loss of family or job never happened in her case. It felt like a long, drawn out suicide in the end, one of a depressed woman who could never admit a problem with herself, drinking or otherwise. She was productive and loving until the few days before she passed, which hurts me even more to speak now of the pain and long term mental effects her drinking inflicted on those of us that loved her. I could go on all day, I almost have, but what I'm trying to get to is that I've been avoiding al anon, even under encouragement of a therapist I have been talking to deal with this. I've shown up to meetings only to walk out before they start. It's horribly and uncharacteristically judgmental of me, but i cant help it. Maybe I'm still in that first stage of denial but I just can't see it helping yet I still suffer. Can anyone offer some insight as to how al anon program works? Maybe theres dozens of you here that share this more muted experience of alcoholism?
Welcome, Yvr-- I am sorry you have lost your mother. I don't have experience with that kind of alcoholism, but I lost my mother some years ago and she was very loving and kind and also difficult in her own way, very controlling, again, in a subtle, concerned way, could be very passive/aggressive. And I thought when she passed I would just be relieved that she was out of pain (she was not alcoholic, btw). And I found myself angry. It had been easier to go along with her on a lot of things. And it seemed I would almost have to get angry with her and act out to get through to her. And I didn't like to do that. I was so mixed up--I had free grief counseling for a year through Hospice. And I would forget the appointments. I thought I was going crazy.
I think it is so complicated when they aren't monsters and you can't just get angry and detach (I know there are other ways to detach--I haven't mastered them yet). When they are good and kind and the best mother of all your friends and still drive you crazy, or in your case, was committing slow suicide, it is so much harder in many ways.
It seems to me that it is much more difficult for women to overcome addiction than it is for men. And depression is very hard to bear. She didn't drink to hurt you in any way.
Since you did have wonderful experiences with her, I think that will serve you well. I have a friend whose mother was never loving with her in any way. This is jumbled. If I try to fix it I'll never get it posted. I hope some other posters can be of help to you.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
My mom has cancer, including a mass on her liver. She started drinking again after my dad died and it is really hard for me to watch. It has brought us to really bad places in our relationship. I know she may just have a few years, maybe less, and it makes me so angry and hurt that she would do this to her body, do this to us! When she gets sick now it is often hard for me to feel sympathetic because she is doing it to herself. I have restarted alanon and I am finally receptive to it. I wasn't before because I was still in denial and holding onto the fantasy that alcoholism wasn't impacting my relationships but that it was something I could fix if I could only fix myself. I know this is going to be a process but I am ready. I wish you the best. You are not alone.
My ex father in law .. Was an untreated alcoholic.... He was a happy man.. even when drunk Chirosis crept up and got him at approx 65.. He died a slow painful death.. Nothing could be done, and He conitnued to drink (not as much) but enought to not have withdrawls. He would swell up and his mind would get effected and my mother in law would bring him to hospital to have fuild taken out. Over a two year period they did this until he past. He didnt hve thetypical alcoholic beviours and insanities but in the end chirosis got him anyway. Many ppl offered him help over the 30 yrs I knew him, he didnt want it. Hardest thing for me to accept.... you cant make other ppls choices, even for their best interest. You also are not reponsible for their choices. Cherish good memories and take care of you and your greif... You are not alone EVER !!
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
My dad died a few months ago due to a spinal tumor and removal( he was paralyzed for 15 months but had extremely poor circulation from the smoking and the drinking was interfering with his antispasmodic meds), but he would have lived longer if it wasn't for complications due to his smoking and drinking. I always knew he wouldn't live a long life. I think he knew it, too. He had emphysema and only 40% lung capacity by the time he was 56 and had liver problems(not cirrhosis, yet) from the drinking. He was 62 when he died but I had come to peace with his death before that. I saw that he was a broken man who made people laugh, he just didn't have the right coping skills to handle his emotions and he took to drinking. His drinking really increased when my younger sister was diagnosed with leukemia, he couldn't seem to handle the stress.
I did feel that he was committing a slow suicide over the years. He lost all his teeth by age 55 because of the smoking, too. I kept thinking: he can prevent this, dammit, why doesn't he just quit? I'd tell him so and he'd agree but he kept doing what he was doing. Have you worked through any books on forgiveness and acceptance? I had to forgive my father for not loving himself enough to take care of himself, for not loving himself enough to set the right example and get healthy, etc. Then I had to accept the fact that he was who he was. He was my dad, he was an alcoholic, he was a broken man, but he was also loved by so many people despite his gruff exterior. I have chosen to accept the fact that I can't change who he was, but I can still love him despite the negatives. I mean, he was still my dad and I still miss him even though he always hated talking on the phone, LOL!
I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. I can truly identify with your sadness, anger and loss. My precious son died of alcoholism 5 years ago at the age of 41. He loved life, was a beautiful human being who was kind generous and capable. He also had the dreadful disease of alcoholism.The last 3 years of his life was difficult and extremely painful for everyone who loved him.
You ask how can al anon help? I can assure you that al anon was the only place that I found that offered me constructive tools to deal with my pain and to learn to live again.
The tools were simple and difficult at the same time.
I was given the 12 Steps, 12 Traditions, meetings and asked to keep an open mind on the philosophy of living one day at a time trusting in a higher power. The tools helped me to shed the the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that I felt as the result of living with this disease. I still feel the deep sadness of my loss but it is now bitter sweet and I can live with it.
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Prayer, therapy, talking, fighting etc did not work Al anon was my last resort and it worked. Thank God.
I urge you to search out face to face meetings in your community and attend Try 6 different meetings before deciding
Hi YVR, welcome to MIP. I'm so sorry you have lost your Mum to this dreadful disease. My 34yr old son died 8 months ago of liver disease.
I'm finding mourning an alcoholic death very difficult and can relate to you finding no solace. I have a lot to work through and some days are better than others. One thing I will say is that I am grateful to have Al-anon tools, meetings & my friends on this board to cling to for support.....it does honestly help. I found Al-anon 2 or 3 yrs before my son died so I worked through a lot of grief at the loss of him in life and this gave me strength to cope when he died.
Only those who live with the disease have true empathy and understanding. I don't look for it elsewhere. Some days I can process better than others but I try to remember (even though I don't often feel like it) to nourish myself, rest when I need to ( I'm finding I get exhausted very easily physically, mentally & emotionally), not to isolate & I end each day with a mental gratitude list. Some mornings its this list that gets me out of bed to start my day.
I felt as you do about al-anon. In the beginning it helped me just to sit in the meetings and listen, I took what I liked and left the rest (which was a fair bit)...but I kept going back because it was the only place I felt safe & supported.
Resentment and anger are with me again and your post has made me see I need to sit back on step one for a bit.
