The material presented
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Talking it out. A little back story. My A and I dated 4.5 years.. Off and on, of course. For the last year or so, I began working on myself, attending therapy, and trying to understand codependency. About a month ago, I flipped out because I could no longer deny how toxic he was for me, and I for him. I just stopped seeing him. I wanted out, but everytime I tried to say that...I choked. In the beginning, I tried texting him trying to get him to understand how skrewed up we are. My self loathing was in full effect, and to avoid conflict, I took almost the entire extent of the blame. Then, I just stopped speaking to him and trying to move on. Given our history, I have basically given him all the ammo he needs to tell himself "she is just having one of her spells". I dont want to go back to him, and to me this is the end. In this instance, I havent talked to him for a few reason. 1. His drinking has gotten so bad that I have no way of knowing when he is drunk...even if it is during the day, and I do not wish to engage in conversation with him if he is drunk. 2. I have taught him thru the years exactly which vuttons to push to make me crumble. 3. I have acknowledged my addiction processes in relationship to him. He is my drug. I cannot help but want him. I feel the pull right now, and Im truly feeling like I am having withdrawal at this point. I began to notice the "rush" in my body even. To me, talking to him is like taking a hit.
He just texted me, and asked if we could talk "without games and bullsh@t and like adults". I have not responded because I feel like it would be wise to think it through before I make a decision about if I should or not.
Hearing from and waiiiiting to here fom him causes me TREMENDOUS anxiety. I start to loose my mind every nihht because of this. I do not want to talk to him. The idea of it causes an equal amount of anxiwty. The risk is to great. But, I also realize I have set things up for myself for him to want to talk to me because I have taught him that I have spells qhere I take a break and come back. I feel as d@mned if I do d@mned if I dont as I did our entire relationship. Any advice? Am I missing something?
I don't like the language he used in his text. I think it is blaming, manipulative and demeaning, and seeking to control. It was the day my husband sat down on the bedspread and over my objection, because he'd been working in the yard and said, "I don't have dirt on my ass," that I realized he was an alcoholic, because he didn't talk to me like that. OK--that's my take. I hit the wall two Christmases ago and again in April this year. And I shut down and took care of me and didn't speak with anybody about anything that was upsetting--even to my poor sister who was in the hospital again, again, again. I felt overwhelmed, emotionally and physically drained and very, very weak. Maybe you will decide to text him back, "Not now--you'll be the first to know, if ever" and then just not read anything he sends again? OMG==cody me. You'll figure it out--you are perfectly capable. And feel free to keep posting and venting and saying on the board whatever you need to to feel better/gain clarity/garner support. We all care. I hope you will decide to declare a moratorium on beating yourself up in any fashion about anything. Oprah says you did the best you could at the time and now you know better, so you can do better. And how you were then is no excuse for you to say well, you taught him, etc. He knew you were a woman when he met you, right? And we, if I recall correctly, do have a license to change our minds at any point about anything. Take care of you, okay?
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
So he may keep pushing for a while to see if you crumple. This would likely be the case whether or not you had a history of crumpling. (But who doesn't have a history of being unsure at times? Even the healthiest people take a while to figure out how they feel.)
From what you describe, there are two separate things going on. One is him pressuring you to re-engage, and probably not taking No for an answer for quite some time. Because A's typically don't have good boundaries and don't take No for an answer. So it would be typical if he tried to push and push until he really saw that you weren't going to give way.
The second thing is that you know you're vulnerable and you're feeling the power of the craving. And it's even harder to stay clear of him when he's putting on the full manipulative skills to get you to re-engage.
I've been right in that same place so many times. None of the times when I gave way to the craving were good for me. It helped to turn my attention elsewhere as much as I could. (Ha! Hard to do when you're obsessive. But as much as I could.) And to write down all the bad things that went on in the relationship. I had a way of dismissing those when I was feeling the cravings. A big long list of them helped me get back into reality.
It's hard. But it gets better. It really does even though it feels like it never will. Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself.
Hmmm...I have thought of making a list before. I do count some blessing from time to time. I just worry that in doing so, Im still not quite detaching in a way that allows my sense of self worth to be seperated from his actions? It is a confusing concept for me. Im not saying it is wrong or anything. Just trying to figure this whole thing out. Soooooo manu things to think about, and so much distrust with.my own brain...even deciding appropriate ways to care for myself is difficult. I dont want to establish new wrong ways. Thank you everyone. It is tremendously helpful to have this place.
(((CDK))) your situation is normal for the time you have spent trying to change. Trying to figure it out is using the same brain that got you into it...for me the solution to that was sit down and listen to others share their ESH and stories in the face to face rooms of Al-Anon and not do anything major about the situation until I had time under my belt. It could wait!! and I learned to mean that. A sponsor gave me 2 great slogans which helped me alot..."When in doubt...DON'T!!" ...and... "DON'T REACT!!". I did more than 90 meetings in 90 days and just listened listened listened. A strict detachment is okay...you don't own anyone your sanity or life and should not allow anyone to force it from you...even you. Let go and Let God and go listen to those who have been around for a while and have gotten peace of mind and serenity regardless of whether the alcoholic/addict is drinking or using.
You have gotten fantastic ESH from long timers in the program already. I would only suggest that you do baby steps. No one goes out and runs a 5k after never running even a mile to train for it. All of these changes you are trying to do are going to feel overwhelming especially when you do them all at the same time.
Sometimes little changes can be a very big deal .. changing how you go to work or the grocery store. What kind of morning routine do you have and what makes you feel uncomfortable (nothing huge just that slight discomfort) in doing something different that you have done for years. Put your deodorant on the opposite arm that can make me feel totally weird.
Most of all be very very very gentle with yourself. We are our own worst enemies in that regard. I put so much pressure on myself that I need to make changes darn it and they better happen right this second!! Well .. sometimes .. sitting on my hands and not doing anything is the best place I can be.
Going to many many meetings (we have 4 alanon meetings in town during the week, I can only attend 2 of those and then I also attend AA), doing the work (which darn it .. I gotta get on that step 4 stuff with my sponsor!!), doing the foot work for the changes I want to make is seriously the best medicine when I DO feel in doubt, when I DO want to make those unhealthy choices. I call an alanon friend, sponsor someone just to get it out. I read alanon lit. I come here and get out of my own head. I DO something that helps me feel grounded and better.
The list idea is a good thing as we can just completely find new and amazing ways to rationalize and minimize the crazy stuff that has gone on in our lives. You don't have to make any decisions today that do not involve taking care of you, and what is best for you in this 24 hour period.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I did the list, too (it was several pages long) and I kept remembering stuff and adding to it...still look it over once in a while to help me stay grounded if I start to feel lonely.
I also made a list of what I would miss if I were to leave the relationship. I could only think of 3 things: his family, having someone to pal around with, and having someone to pay for things like meals out, movies, etc. (brutal honesty there)
And I realized those were 3 very pathetic reasons for continuing a marriage with someone I no longer respected or even liked. Friends could fill my need for companionship, I could budget my own money better, get a better job, and then pay for my OWN meals out. And the loss of his family, well, I am coping with that and still have a relationship with them, though it is not as close as it once was.
So my advice would to be really honest with yourself and figure out what you are getting out of the relationship...put it down in black and white and think of other ways you can meet those needs for yourself. It might not be perfect, but when we know where we are vulnerable, we can shore ourselves up.
The anxiety eases with practiced detachment. I used to get so anxious with the text messages and phone harassment. Then I asked myself why I felt I needed that sort of communication. I figured that somewhere along the way, I got my wires crossed that boundary violations and harassment constituted love and attention.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Thank you all so much. Especially for explaining the list better. Hope to one day return it. I decided against answering him. I had a horrible time sleeping...got maybe 3 hours. But, the improvement was that I didnt feel like all the blood had drained out of my body,I ate dinner, and I didnt need to cry until I couldnt breathe. Thankfully, he just reached out that once, and didnt continue. Today, I took a nap, ran some needed errands, and went to the thrift store...which I really enjoy doing. I got a dress for a mutual friemd's wedding, which will basically be my "coming out" party of not being with him. Haha. Im going to cross that bridge when I get there. And, Ive done some house work finally. Im relaxing on the couch with a full stomach. Im probably going to do some art of some sort. I think my goal in life is to love myself as much as I love art. Trying not to obsess about hearing from him tonihht. Sunday is notoriously drunk day for him. Thank you for your encouragement.
Eh...I'd turn my phone off, put on some headphones and good music, and go to town with some charcoals or paint. I went through a Jesus painting phase. Helped me connect to my HP in my own way.
Those heady emotions always fall away when we take it one moment at a time. Sounds like you are taking care of yourself just fine
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
