There is no guarantee that he will stay sober that is not for us to figure out. Being in a relationship with a non drinker doesn't mean it's going to last forever either, so trying to predict the unpredictable is kind of like trying to count grains of sand on the beach and think you will have an answer in this lifetime.

Going to alanon meetings will help you figure out what is best for you. It's a very personal choice to stay or to go and no one is going to tell you to do either. Whatever you do it needs to be in your own best interests and when you are ready to decide. You don't have to make any decisions today .. you only need to be in this 24 hours.

Hugs P :)

Being by his side or not by his side will not be a crucial factor in his recovery. The Three C's are: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.  It would be great to think that we could be in there fighting this battle with them, but it's an inside job for them -- no one else can do it for them.  Trying too hard to do it for them (not saying that you're doing that) can take away from their own powers of decision and determination.  So the people who find the number of AA for their A, look up the location, drive them over there, remember their meeting times, remind them, etc.... that would be taking too much responsibility.  It has to be them doing their recovery.

As to when his recovery will be secure -- there is no single answer.  I'm sorry to say that the statistics show that most people who go into recovery do not achieve longterm sobriety.  Something like 70-80% do not achieve longterm sobriety.  I only say this because I wish someone had told me this long before they did.  I kept waiting for my A to turn the corner and be sober.  He was in and out of recovery for several years.  Then he just stayed out.  I kept thinking it was bound to "take" any time. I didn't realize that it didn't have to "take."  Now, there are so many alcoholics that even 20% of people seeking recovery getting sober is thousands or even millions of people. But just to say that the program isn't a guarantee -- his actions are the important thing.  A year of sobriety is a good thing.  However, as you can see from reading these boards, many people have ten or fifteen years of sobriety and then descend into alcoholism again.  That's why we say alcoholics are "in recovery" rather than "cured."  It will always be a risk with an alcoholic.  If he's working his program, on top of his life, and taking responsibility, it's a smaller risk. 

The best policy is probably always to watch what he does, not what he says.  "I'm going to..." is never as real as "I am..."  Meanwhile, what I most wish I'd done is this: I wish I hadn't waited until he stopped drinking to get my own serenity and live my own life joyfully.  I put things on hold until that magic day when he'd be recovered and sober.  For him that day didn't come.  Eventually I had to figure out how to achieve my own recovery anyway.  I wish I'd done that sooner!

Keep on taking good care of yourself!

There are no easy answers. Help comes from Alanon however you can get it - face to face meetings, reading the literature, getting a sponsor, and taking care of yourself. Keep the focus on you.

All the best,

Nancy

I am going through what you described. I'm in the middle of it. I am already past the point where you seem to be, but not very far past it. I figure I could shed a little hope for you.

I asked myself those questions, and in tense moments, I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Long story short, I am in this because she and I have been through severe hell and supreme heaven in this relationship. "For good and bad, thick and thin". Truly this is the highest form of love that two people can have in real non-fairytale life. She is not getting sober for me. She tried that already and ended up resenting me until I stopped trying to control her recovery. Al-anon took a little bit to soak into my thinking and show me, objectively, what I was doing to enable.

I asked myself, when she went into treatment *again* if I should help her or distance myself. I love her. I am here because I know we have potential. But there is no guarantee. It is up to her to recover in her own way and the same goes for me. Our house rule is that we don't discuss recovery every single day. I don't wanna hear how many times she thinks about drinking, and I don't share all my control freak moments as I learn to let go.

Here is what we DO do. I go with her once a week to family night at her outpatient treatment center, and an occasional AA meeting. But not all of them. And she goes to Al-anon here and there. We see what each other are going through passively this way, but we do not "help" each other. If I NEED to talk, she is there and vice versa, but there are no more forced conversations. One step, one day. Projecting into the future and putting pressure on an outcome is a sure fire way to put a negative spin on your lives. Ask yourself if your love is strong enough and do you have the open mind and heart that it takes to accept the al-anon concept. These two things are all you need to start your trip to recovery.

I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck and keep coming back.