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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sister is a cocaine addict. She is a love/sex addict and codependent as well. She has 6 yrs clean. I am really proud of her for the 6 years with no drugs or alcohol. She has been married now for a year and her husband is also and addict. He has been clean for maybe a year.
Her behaviors/relationship with her family, esp me and my one other sister is horrible, at best. She will last a few months with being ok and not blowing up for some reason of jealousy or envy. Then all hell breaks loose. I care about my sister, however, I have REALLY grown tired of her anger, selfishness, blow ups, sense of entitlement etc.
I can honestly tell you that I would NOT be friends with her if she were not a blood relative. I feel like I am used and abused. I am tired of feeling this way. I am going to start going back to Alanon on Monday. At this current time, her latest complaint is that I was offered Xmas lights from our parents. (I have a house that I can put them on). So she has gone nuts with how I get everything, etc etc. I told her she could have the damn lights because it just isn't worth the arguing over them. It isn't. She has now blocked me and our sisters from her FB page because we are "drama".
I feel like she is a miserable person who can't be happy for anyone. Every conversation turns into something about HER and how things are or aren't going in her life. She has VERY few moments where she is in reality or "normal" around everyone else. I feel like she is constantly looking for validation with how well she is doing etc etc. I am sorry, but you know, I have done the responsible thing MY WHOLE LIFE. She started doing drugs at 13 or 14. She did them for 13 or 14 years. Are we supposed to hope that in another 7 or 8 years, that she will be acting like she is in her 30s or is this unrealistic? I know they say that you are the age you were when you start the drug use/alcohol use, but at what point do you start growing up and realizing that everything is NOT ABOUT YOU? That while you were using, everyone else had to go on with their lives and that they don't get a daily pat on the back for doing the responsible thing?
It makes me angry that since we don't go to meetings WITH her, we are not important to her. She has no friends outside of her meetings. none. Her boyfriends' or her husband's family ALWAYS come before us. Unless of course it comes to money. 3 days before her reception, her fiance tells my parents that Sister told him THEY were paying for the reception. Guess who paid for it? My parents. Guess who went on her honeymoon and didn't have enough money to get home? Guess who sent them money? MY parents. NOT HIS because they have none.
I am angry that she gets to use the excuse of "being up in her disease". WTH? I have come to the conclusion that sober or not, we will never have a normal relationship. My expectations obviously have been lowered to that level. It still hurts though. She is angry that my parents gave my husband and I a piece of furniture when we got married around 10 years ago. It just got brought up again. It makes me sick. I get that if she wants to hold onto that stuff, that is all on her, however, I am tired of hearing about it. I think it is BS to be honest. Grow up.
I apologize since this is my first post, but I am really angry. I am not sure how to handle this, other than putting boundaries up. "WHen you turn the conversation around to be about you, it hurts my feelings. If you continue to do that, I will walk away" type stuff.
Advice with dealing with this situation is appreciated.
Hi there and welcome to MIP. I just want to say I am glad you are planning on making it to face to face meetings. Just because someone is attending meetings doesn't mean they are working the steps or being didligent on keeping the focus on themselves as it sounds here. I am glad you came here and posted. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Brokengirl, I swear we have the same sister. Mine, amazingly, was not/is not an addict, but has mental disorders that mimic everything you've said. Word for word I can relate!
I also have gone through all the emotions you describe, and still do. In my case, eventually I cut off all contact. She can find me if she wants, but chooses not to - which is fine! I've told myself many times that if I see her again, she can behave or not behave - if she does, I'll talk to her, if not, so be it.
Growing up with a sibling that that is not fun. They suck all the air out of the room. I still do sometimes go through all the emotions. Usually on the anger end. I wish I had known about alanon growing up, I think it would have helped a LOT. It's a tough situation with no good solution except to save yourself.
Something that helped me was the book, "Mad House" by Clea Simon. It's about growing up with 2 schizophrenic siblings. This book offers no solutions either, but what helped me was simply reading about somebody else who had all the same feelings I did. It really made me feel less crazy, selfish, etc...
I still have a lot of buried resentment towards my brother who passed away a few years ago. He was a poly substance abuser as well as having bipolar disorder and being a bit antisocial. Bad combination. I feel more forgiveness towards him directly as time goes on big I still resent how much my patents enabled him and how growing up with that sort of dysfunction shaped some of who I am today, and not always the good parts of me. The last couple years before he died (morphine OD at age 28) I couldn't be around him. He had similar outbursts and I was even afraid of him. How sad that I feel closer to him now that he is deceased than I did when he was alive. I feel relief for myself, for him, and our whole family. I feel him with me on a very spiritual level now that his pain in the living world is gone.
I still have a lot of buried resentment towards my brother who passed away a few years ago. He was a poly substance abuser as well as having bipolar disorder and being a bit antisocial. Bad combination. I feel more forgiveness towards him directly as time goes on big I still resent how much my patents enabled him and how growing up with that sort of dysfunction shaped some of who I am today, and not always the good parts of me. The last couple years before he died (morphine OD at age 28) I couldn't be around him. He had similar outbursts and I was even afraid of him. How sad that I feel closer to him now that he is deceased than I did when he was alive. I feel relief for myself, for him, and our whole family. I feel him with me on a very spiritual level now that his pain in the living world is gone.
