The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Gosh, that's so hard to admit. This AM I was trying to be helpful and gave AH 2 rolls of quarters for his jail time. He claimed he only needed ones but I told him that maybe a roll of quarters might help in case the machine spit out the dollar bills. He didn't seem too grateful and I realized I was sticking my nose where it didn't belong so I walked away. But, when I rounded the corner, I gave him the finger when I was out of sight. UGH, so much for peace and serenity.
Quite frankly, I am still VERY angry about the DUI, the cost of the DUI, his continued drinking, and the way he's handling his driving restrictions. He is supposed to be on restricted driving now where he can only drive to/from places related to the DUI, to/from doctors offices, to/from work, and to/from the MVD. That's it. So, last night I got home from my meeting and he took ds out to go return some shoes! ARRGGHH!! So frustrating. I chose not to say anything but if he continues to do it, I will have to explain to him that he's violating his restrictions and that I don't want ds involved if he gets pulled over. Like if Mr Police Officer sticks his head in the window and says, "So, son, where were you and your dad going?" I just don't want that for ds.
Anyway, I find myself giving him the 'behind the wall' finger too frequently and I really need help changing my mindset. I do feel sorry for him, sorry that his addiction has gone this far and sorry that he does have to do jail time but he doesn't seem to see how his actions hurt the rest of us and that's what's really bugging me. I know I'll get over it, but today I'm just ticked off.
That's okay to be anger. At least you aren't trying to pretend to live in La-La Land.
I went through 2 DUI's with my husband within a 3-year span. I was spitting nails the first one. The second one I was done. He left the home for the weekend thinking he'd come back when I cooled off. But when he called to see if the coast was clear, that is when I told him that there was no coming back. Second time around, with his mother in the car, fried me. I just didn't have anything to say to him at that point.
However, after he didn't come home, I sat with my feelings and explored them. I discovered a lot about me that I didn't like and wanted to change. So, truly his DUI's were a blessing in disguise. I stopped denying some things about me and faced them.
Nowadays, I always ask myself when big or little things come my way: What is the lesson?
Hey, my husband used to ask me if I had a license to fly that thing when I gave him the finger. I was the type that didn't hide it. He knew how I felt.
It's going to be okay. You'll get through this stage. Keep working it; it will get better for you one way or another. Just don't resist what is, feelings and all.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
That you are angry shows that you are HUMAN. This DUI is affecting your whole family. And you have every right to feel upset.
When I'm angry, my best medicine is to write it all down. I keep a journal. It is amazing to look back, especially when I am missing my AH, and remember what it was really like.
It just helps to get those emotions down.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Sending love and support it gets better it takes a lot of time. You'll get there.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yeah, I remember feeling angry too with my ex for the same reason. The part of your post that I really related to was the part about giving him the money.
When I would give to him the way you described, I felt I was being caring, concerned and thoughtful; he just took money and seemed to feel entitled. He didn't even say thank you. Yet he owed everyone so much money from his using days. He didn't seem to feel any accountability to anyone but of course he hadn't surrendered and in truth I know now that for myself as a newcomer to the Alanon program, I had not surrendered either. The way he acted had made me so angry. Then my higher power finally got through to me!
I showed up one weekend at his in house, long term rehab (family were told not to give recovering A money when they visited). My exAH TOLD me to give him twelve dollars to pay another recovering addict for pizza that the group had ordered. I said get his address and you can mail him a check when you get out of here. He looked stunned. Then another time he asked for certain jeans, very expensive sunglasses like the ones he had lost and a fancy pen to write with (we all need one of those for writing out our step work ya know ) Man was I angry that he was so full of himself! The things he asked for would have cost hundreds of dollars. The next time I visited, I brought him some nameless jeans, cheap sunglasses I got from a vendor on the street and a plastic pen.
I hope this little story has given you comfort. You are not alone.
1 roll of quarters + 1 roll of quarters = 2 cute summer sandals 4you
Hugs! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 3rd of June 2012 08:05:46 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 3rd of June 2012 08:13:22 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Honestly, it feels GREAT when I give my husband the finger when he's not looking. It isn't hurting anyone...be gentle on yourself. You are are going through a lot and it is chaos you didn't create. I understand, too (multiple DUIs, etc...) it sucks. Sounds like you are trying and doing your best. He has his own journey and lessons to figure out at his own pace. best wishes.
) Man was I angry that he was so full of himself! The things he asked for would have cost hundreds of dollars. The next time I visited, I brought him some nameless jeans, cheap sunglasses I got from a vendor on the street and a plastic pen. 