The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Klotus, I totally relate to your post, it reminds me that I cannot change myself. It's hard to change. I'm glad the program taught me to turn to a Power Greater because today, I like myself soooo much better when I do. And I like the alcoholics in my life better too, they're just doing the best they can, like I am.
As a mother, I want the BEST for my kids. As Higher power would have it, they have an active alcoholic for a dad. What I can do, is be a different example for them. My kids are fully aware of the al-anon program and it's importance in my life and they consider my sponsors and sponsees and other fellowship members who come around, as part of our family. My kids will always know where to go if ever they hit a rock bottom like I did. What I can say about my rock bottom is....it was not a "bad" thing, it brought me closer to my Higher power. Therefore, it had a perfect purpose.
Trust Higher power ((my friend)) nothing in God's world happens by mistake. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 4th of June 2012 02:03:32 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm sort of checking in. I thank God for this forum, just to air my thoughts if nothing else.
Update - Yesterday I sent my AH a text that he could come a bit early to visit our daughter at our house (for those who don't know, we are separated due to his increasing anger/dv). I had my mom pick up my daughter from daycare. My mom is the one who does the hand offs when he comes over (my choice). When I arrived home, he had just gotten there. I thought they would be gone by the time I got home. My daughter saw me, and wanted me. My AH eventually got really angry, and stormed out, squealing tires and all. It really bothered me - here we are, something like 7 weeks into separation due to his anger, and he can that easily have an outburst? How does that indicate that anything has changed, or that he's "working on it?" He forfeited two hours with his daughter, due to 10 minutes of typical 2 year old behavior.
Of course, I called his mother. I know I need to stop doing that. It is hard, after she's been my support for so long.
My first emotional reaction to all of this was feeling guilty (and I recognized it). I felt like I had caused it - KNOWING it was simply accidental and by chance. Life happens - how will he EVER be able to deal with life? Our daughter will only get older, and we will always have issues of some sort. How do I walk through life by the side of someone who has less emotional regulatory ability than my 2 year old currently?
My next emotional reaction was feeling angry. What if my daughter were older? She may have seen him storm off simply because she wanted me, and then felt guilty for wanting me. Excuse me, but what kind of ass does that to his child?
And then, disappointment. I simply had expectations built up (due to things I was being told, etc.). I allowed myself to hope that he was truly working on and through his anger issues. I am still feeling this disappointment today. I miss him - how's that for crazy? I miss him so badly - I think that is my addiction. I want to know that he loves me, and I miss the kind moments. I want him to come home.
Thanks.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
You know what, you are making progress whether you see it or not. He's no longer living with you because you recognize that taking care of you was important and you were no longer willing to be a target to his growing anger in your home.
You want him back, but what you want back isn't the angry hostile violent individual, and that's who he is right now, according to everything that you have shared.
You mentioned calling MIL for support, and I totally understand the statement that habit is hard to break. My own MIL was the first person I turned to for support when I was close to hitting my bottom.
However, when I moved out, I tried to explain and she didn't like hearing that her son was abusive. It's her son, so I can't really expect her to want to hear something like that.
I did return after 2 weeks and I no longer volunteer information to my MIL. If I have to talk I talk in a meeting, to my sponsor, or on this board. I have come to realize that the only people who understand are those who are walking on this similar journey to mine.
You are so worth it, you keep coming back, you keep moving forward. My encouragement to you is to not give up on yourself, keep reading, keep attending meetings, you have come so far, and you are amazing!
