The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A short time ago, I posted about the anguish I'd been going through dealing with my ex-wife. The degradation of the victim-role I put myself in in the vain pursuit of somehow begging and wishing a sick person better.
I have since attended a few local Al-Anon meetings and it felt good to meet other people who can share similiar experiences with you, and how they are trying to (and succeeding) to live positive lives despite the hardships they've been with.
But those meetings are not to ruminate on the A, but rather for us to focus on our own sanity and recovery from what we've been through.
So I wanted to air this topic here, just to get it off my chest.
I've recently learned that through a psycholocial evaluation conducted on my ex, that alcoholism and drug addiction are but two diseases that she's struggling with.
She's been diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder, which is a harder disease to deal with than being an A in many respects (or at least for the A's loved ones).
I've told her that I am proud of her for her sobriety and that a I support her fully (but also reminding her that her recovery is hers and hers alone).
Al-Anon is an excellent support for me in this aspect of my life with her.
But the boarderline thing is so hard for me to deal with.
I mentioned in my earlier thread that she'd begun to see someone at one of her meetings behind my back.
Her sponsor found out about it, and she expressed her disapproval at what she was doing, and now my ex-A is now mad at her sponsor and is trying to distance herself from her!
From what I've gathered from boarderline personality disorder is that sometimes the person suffers from the habit of constructing a world of lies around them, and they become severly aggigated when they are confronted with the truth.
For instance, my A became very upset with me this week when she was talking about how horrible she was. I told her "I know you're a kind, sweet, woman on the inside, and I love you."
Apparently this is not something you should do with borderline people. By contridicting her warped self-image, I somehow made the situation worse.
Al-Anon offers great support for the addiction, but is there anywhere I can turn to regarding the mental disorder?
I am about to win custody of my child from her, and I really don't know what I should do. Should I distance myself from her? It seems that my support may make her feel like I'm smothering her pr that I'm making the situation worse.
She is having a medical procedure performed in the morning, and I told her to call me if she needed me and her reply was, "I'd rather bleed to death."
It seems so frustrating that my ex's problems are more than just her addiction, and I have no clue what to do. I would do anything to help her, but I'm afraid anything I can do to help only makes things worse.
I love you guys, we need each other. And without the bad parts of life, we really don't get to appreciate the wonderful ones.
Aloha MBH...You're doing good. Growing up takes days...one after the other...one at a time. I relate to your share and didn't get too far ahead of myself when the information started coming back about my alcoholic addict. There's always an opportunity to make a mountain out of a mole hill and I've built a couple elevating my exspouses problems toward making her condition special. Sometimes being sick or sicker gives the alcoholic/addict greater status...Like "if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all"...the sick person is marvelous at manipulation and I made mine look great by taking part in it. Of course that comes to an end when I say and practice..."enough" and let her follow thru on what she needed to do to get herself straight. When they start working good inventories that is when the truth arrives...however don't wait for her to do that for you...she's gotta do it for herself and with her sponsor.
Only one thing that helped me in this situation came from my college studies and it was about the problems that the alcoholics and addicts have in their lives. The mental treatment industry use to say that the alcoholic/addict drink and use because they have problems and (I worked in the recovery field myself) the opposite is really the truth..."They have problems...many problems...because they drink" and since I accept from experience that the disease affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions the problems come from all those levels and often are interconnected.
Borderline personality disorder fits the Alcoholic's life very very well. I've seen many recoverying people outgrow this disorder working the program as it is suggested.
Stick with your own program. It sounds like it fits you. I'm insupport. (((((hugs)))))
My mother had BPD. I did not know she had this until the last decade of her life. All I know is that my life was rather challenging throughout my life, right up until her death last summer. She never got help, unfortunately. Very much in denial. Just as my husband was regarding his alcoholism for most of his life.
As an adult, I read numerous books on the subject. It helped me tremendously. One book I read was Surviving the Borderline Parent. It was like reading about my childhood. I was blown away.
There are several books on BPD that help spouses.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
The AA program calls for honesty. She can't surround her existence with lies and work a good program in AA. But this is not your problem. It is hers. You only have to deal with her through your child. You don't have to support her except to keep things pleasant for your child.
It sounds as if detaching is called for for many reasons. I've also heard good things about the book Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.
I've heard about the book Mattie recommends too. I haven't read it.
Ultimately we all have to discern what kind of life we want for ourselves and then make decisions consistent with what we want. I decided that lies, chaos, and financial unpredictability were too much of a cost to pay for keeping my marriage together.
Sounds like you have a rough road now and ahead. Get all the support you can, read all you can about As and people with borderline personality, and keep coming back.
You've received some great ESH .. I go back to what Jerry has shared .. addiction behavior and BPD mimics each other and until someone is emotionally sober/spiritually fit it's really hard to address those BPD issues correctly. In my spouses situation they put him on pills so he used the pills instead of the booze, now he's off the pills and back on the booze. One issue traded for the other.
It's nice to have the validation that you weren't crazy about this other person and it not being appropriate. You have your validation that no the behavior is not ok. Now it's time to let it go and move on. You know what you know and that's on your ex to crash and burn without you picking up the pieces. Lies do not make a solid program.
Keep that focus on you and keep moving forward in your own program. Have you gotten a sponsor yet? Keep up the good work on you!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Mattie's book recommendations I concur. Again, there are a lot of books on the topic of BPD. I found each book helpful.
I am glad that you are an active father; my dad was not. My parents divorced when I was in the 4th grade. Prior to that, they separated about 6 times. It was an on and off marriage. But dad didn't know what to do. So he pretty much left. He'd see us on weekends most of the time. But he just didn't know how to open up to my brother and me. I could never discuss with him all my mother's antics.
Growing up with a mother with BPD has truly impacted my siblings and me. (I have a half sister; she had a different father.) I've gotten a lot of psychology help, while my 2 siblings have not. I see how BPD continues to effect their lives. My brother has many BPD tendencies. He was diagnosed with the disorder as well, but he refuses to believe it. He suffers a lot.
While I was researching BPD, I had found a forum such as this one specifically for BPD. It helped, too. But I gleaned all I needed to and do not return to that forum.
I feel I was far more negatively impacted by my mother's BPD than my husband's alcoholism. But I truly am committed to recovery, and as a result, I see how much I've grown.
One of my 2 grown sons asked me once how I learned how to be a mother (he was very aware of his grandmother's challenges). I told him that all I had to go on was to parent him and his brother as I had wanted to be parented. I'm so glad that I didn't pass on BPD traits (books refer to this as "fleas" to our sons). I did have some of her traits in my earlier days; they are learned behaviors. But yet deep down, I knew they were unproductive and sought help in my early thirities.
I'm so glad you are aware of what you are dealing with. It surely isn't easy. But at least you have resources to help guide you.
Wishing you all the best, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I think if you keep going to Alanon and working on yourself, you'll find the answers you're seeking. Your ex wife lives in the same world as the rest of us. It's a world filled with boundaries that she's learning to live in - "life on life's terms" we call it in Alanon. When looking at borderline personality disorder, some in Alanon might see a few family of origin dynamics that echo their histories myself included yet I don't have the disorder. To read such things, helps me to keep an open mind that there are no absolutes - people suffer things in degrees, sometimes are misdiagnosed, are labeled, are undiagnosed and ultimately.... people are more than a diagnosis. Also although some are skilled in diagnosing, some are not... just as in any line of work, some people are in the wrong profession. Unfortunately, in therapy, such diagnosises can have great affect to another's life. Is there a support group for you in relation to your ex's borderline personality disorder? There seems to be a support group for just about everything these days. Working the Alanon program really helps us for living a happy, joyous and free life whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. The steps, traditions and principles of the program can be applied to all sorts of life situations. If you keep going to meetings, you may find that it's enough. Many people in our program have loved ones and friends who are dual diagnosed and frankly, we in Alanon are sick ourselves, seek professionals when necessary for ourselves and come into the Alanon program for help.
I am about to win custody of my child from her, and I really don't know what I should do. Should I distance myself from her? It seems that my support may make her feel like I'm smothering her pr that I'm making the situation worse.
Only you can do the program work with the help of your higher power to examine your motive honestly and decide what's in your own best interest to do.
Keep coming back and keep taking care of you. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can keep labeling stuff but labeling doesn't really get me anywhere.
I could think and view every single person on this planet as someone who either suffers from the characteristics derived from alcoholism/addiction or as fellow Al-Anons (most untreated.) If I really simplify it, I can really only say that every person on this planet simply suffers from the curse of being human.
No one is perfect, everyone has something that just makes them batty in another person's eyes.
The value I've gotten out of Al-Anon is acceptance for what just IS and learning to keep my side of the fence clean. Be a person suffering from addiction or a person with a mental disorder, the only person in that relationship I have control over is myself and that's where I need to keep my focus. If I make sure I'm showing up with integrity in my relationships with other people, that's all that matters. There's no longer feeling like I must do "A, B and C" in order to ensure that someone else does or does not do "X, Y and Z". That other person is responsible for themselves and I have to trust that they'll be able to do so.
I get into really sick behavior if I find I'm doing a special tap dance just to make sure someone else outside of me is behaving the way I think is acceptable. And when I think of it that way... well, wow... I have some nerve thinking that other people outside of me are supposed to live up to my expectations.
