Picking the A's - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Picking the A's

bettyboop · Member

Iasked a friend of mine the other day, "Where am I supposed to find a "healthy" man. (Non-alcohlic/addict) Certainly not at work, I work in a hospital, everyone there is sick...lol! Not at a bar or club...all are drinkers.

I'm so afraid of men right now...I want companionship and perhaps casual dating, BUT in no way do I want to be committed to man!

I refuse to be involved with anyone who drinks/uses, even in the least as I know as soon as my heart gets sucked in, they will morph into someone insane! I wont put myself through that ever again...

with each person I meet, I'm looking for ALL/ANY red flags...not such a good feeling...but then again it is...

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

My hubby was a nerd. Loved science and physics and math. Became a pharmacist. But his family was riddled with alcoholics. Of his 5 siblings and himself, there are 4 alcoholics. More than 50%. He didn't mean to become an alcoholic but he couldn't help it. It was in the family. In the genes. As he grew older and the alcoholism took over he became his father, who was, to me, one of the nastiest human beings I was in contact with. And his foul attitude was because of the alcoholism in him.

My hubby is finished with drinking alcohol now. His DUI stopped him and the cancer made him too scared to start again. But the damage to the relationship was done. We work hard at just staying friendly while we are married. The bad attitude comes out when he is hungry, angry, lonely or tired and I react to the attitude instead of ignoring it.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

I never thought of my a as being a bad boy lol, but I know where your coming from here, mine was fearless, brave, ruthless, strong hard, kind, generous, funny, different and at the time I had no clue it was a drink fueled personality, that would eventually suck the life out of me too, when I look back at the predictable lads I have encounted the quiet selfless peeps, I wasn't attracted too because, they were boring with no fire in their bellies, or so it seemed, I think looking back I have an addiction to drama and chrisis, things were always blown out of all proportion nothing ever really got dealt with rationally or at all, easy does it never exsisted in my family, we were the epithamy of creating a chrisis out of a drama, we never learnt to feel our feelings or deal with life on life's terms, it just wasn't passed down the generations, I am learning now though lol, there is a very sweet man who comes for daycare at my place of work, he is sooooooooooooooooo amiable, he always says yes to everything, so when I asked do you want this or that for dinner he always says yes please, so me being me I said you always say yes can I have all your money and your house please, poor man starts to explain he hasn't any money really seriously, then I feel sooooooooooooo bad because I am only jesting, the thing is he reminds me of me, I think he would find it so hard to be any different, so I go for extremes I like the tigers I can't tame, and the yes men, all rolled into one, says more about me doesn't it?

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaty

x

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I always say it was no accident my A's picked me and I in turn chose them. It is that addiction to the craziness of it all. The last alcoholic in my life is/was a nice guy. I thought I picked very well for myself. I did not know his history however I had to have felt the drama/dysfunction. I laugh because now he tells me how I'm so much drama, the kids are so much drama and I'm looking at him going .. uh huh .. and I'm the one who is having some kind of affair with his married co-worker AND apparently his ex wife as well .. LOL .. going through the punishment of a DUI, and I"M so much drama, the kids??? I just really really really had to laugh about that one. My life has become and is becoming so much more peaceful. I just have a few more things to get through after that I think will come the real emotional let down for me and I will let go of ALL of the drama. It's no longer my drama though and I like it that way!!!

My therapist said to me one day .. hmm .. what do you have in common with these other women and I smacked my forehead in my V8 moment .. DUH .. HIM!!! What does that say about me?? That is really when I decided WOW .. I do not want this in my life anymore. It's way way way to crazy and I do not want to be associated with crazytown on any level.

It gets better though and for that I am grateful!!!

Hugs P :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I think we are all a bit different, regardless if we are alcoholic or not.

All I know is that when alcoholism is allowed to progress, it changes a person so much that he is barely recognizable. I also know that some, like my husband, can come back. That is, the person that he was before the disease progressed in the danger zone, came back and continues to be here now. Truly, before he came back, I believed he had done too much damage to his brain. But I was wrong. He has, however, nerve damage. Consequently, he has problems with his feet and legs daily.

He is quite fortunate, and I hope more will be blessed "coming back" too.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Gail mentioned that her AH 'came back'. Unfortunately for me, I met my AH when he was in college and already abusing alcohol. I don't know what he'd "come back" to, LOL. Even though he didn't drink for 15 years, he was still an alcoholic in his stinkin thinkin and in his victim mentality. If he stopped being a victim, stopped being a racist, stopped being condescending, stopped measuring all of humanity against his perfect stick I seriously wouldn't know who he was. He'd be a completely different person. My AH started drinking when he was 13 or 14 so I think he was definitely the bad boy.

His brother gave a eulogy at his dad's funeral earlier this month and he told the story of a stop sign in the middle of the desert. He said that since his father(my father in law) was a cop, that he'd stop at that stop sign even though there seemed no good reason for it. He then said, "Now, my brother(my AH), we all know that he'd blow through the stop sign going 100 mph flipping it off all the way." Yep, guess I married the bad boy. His whole family, those who knew him well, at the church laughed and laughed. They all totally understood what it has taken me years to figure out. My AH was definitely the troublemaker of the WHOLE family and I was just too charmed by it all to realize how it would affect me.

I dated a guy in high school. He was so darn sweet. He was the only guy who wrote me love notes and brought me flowers at school. He was a ball boy for the New Jersey Nets and was a good looking tall thin guy. It didn't take me long to toss him aside. I had another guy pursue me in college. We were friends and he was always such a nice guy but I couldn't get past the 'friend' thing. He's married now and has 2 beautiful kids and a happy stable marriage and I wonder: What the heck was I thinking?

I don't think my choice of husband was really a conscious decision. It was something deeper. Something that comes from the deep wounds inside of me from my childhood. I am so grateful that I am with my AH today, really. It's teaching me to address those wounds, to take control of my emotions and to deal with them, and then release them. I am learning that I don't have to be codependent anymore and I'm grateful for this journey. If AH and I stay together, I pray that he will also come to this kind of healing where he can start to open up those wounds and clean them out, as painful as that may be.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

I think I hooked into my bad relationships, alcoholics or not, because something deep in me, in that unconscious part, felt a recognition at the hurt little boys that were buried inside them.

Until I got in touch with the hurt little girl inside of me and worked on listening to her and telling her she was safe now, my attraction to hurt little boys in men's bodies was like a magnet.

I've have significant relationships with 3 alcoholics. 2 were very whirlwind relationships and I mistook anxiety and nerves for excitement and lust. They were very sparky men, like a light was coming from them. It was...intoxicating. Now I can see where our dysfunctions perfectly hooked together and that magical bond I thought I felt at the time was just 2 messed up people complementing each other's messed-up-ness.

The other A was 2 years sober and going to AA but just sort of sitting in meetings and not actively working a program. I definitely got codependant with him, "helping" him clean his apartment, etc. We did good though...he ended the relationship one tearful night when he said he had no idea how to be in a relationship. It hurt at the time. He went on to get more involved in AA, hanging out with AA buddies, and I got into Al Anon. We are still friends. I'm grateful he had the courage to end the relationship, and he was the one who introduced me to the 12 Steps and Al Anon. :)

I will say that I am incredibly gun shy. Not interested in dating whatsoever. My marriages have also been abusive and my trust in men has been shot. I know there are good guys out there, loving and devoted men who are kind...I'm just not confident in my ability to pick those guys. Well, it's a moot issue for now, I am focusing on me and getting my life together! I am going to let my HP decide when and if and who, the next time.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I was 17 and dating a sweet guy that wrote me love letters and when he went off to college, this marine in his uniform arrived in my neighborhood and well I couldn't look away. I broke it off with the other guy who is now a zoologist and a nice church going man and got swept up with this military man who walked into my parents house with a 12 pack and no one said a word. He was crazy dangerous and wild, partied all weekend and I was normally the DD. He was so much like my brother, but more undisciplined and rebellious if that was possible. After dating my whole senior year I started college and half way through I got pregnant with my 14 year old. I spent the next 15 years trying to pin him down and make a family man out of him. He cheated on both his tours over seas and wouldn't marry me for the first 7 years of my oldests life. I think I finally learned this lesson, but yes I am hesitant to go out and date. I am worried that there is something in me that will want another A, but I will eventually venture out and try again. I know I have to keep working my program and protecting my children and I.

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 1st of June 2012 07:26:18 PM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I quickly realized upon finding Al-Anon that I had a definite pattern.

I loved bad boys. They didn't get in my way of having my own good time.

They were too selfish to really look too closely at me.

I was starting to make some progress on me when my charming AH came into my life. He proposed after 4 weeks. I gave in to the pressure of living in the South and being 31 never married and ready to just get it over with and he seemed like he was what I was looking for.

Except we said I do and I started asking who are you????

It will be a year on the 11th of this month. It's by the grace of HP that we have made it.

I don't regret a moment. I've found Al-Anon, I've found myself. Life isn't always perfect but I like my life, I like where I am and who I am. I am thankful!!!

Chaya · Senior Member

Went to a great woman's meeting today. On the way in all the men were walking out. I felt a jolt of energy and excitement. What a disease that would trick me into thinking I should ever be with any if those men. And what a disease they have that would draw them to just the type of woman like me who would perpetuate their illness. I have a very lovely man who wants to come see me this evening but something just doesn't feel right with him. On the other hand I have a chance to go out and see the "bad boy" who is very very very clearly an alcoholic and a complete mess. Did I happen to mention how charming and sexy and wounded he is? I'm nuts!

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