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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When we know they are drinking...
Post Info TOPIC: When we know they are drinking...
Elizabeth10


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When we know they are drinking...
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What do you do if you know the A is drinking, but don't confront him because you realize it isn't your place? My father is my A, and I am living at home with him and my mother until I graduate college. I used to help her look for the booze, smell him/the room to see if it smelled like liquor, and was basically her "helper". Now that I belong to Al-Anon, I realize how self destructive and crazy this is and have told her that figuring out if he is drinking is no longer my responsibility. 

AFAIK, he hasn't had a drink since January, but one night I swore I smelled liquor. Who knows. I felt soooooo much like telling my mom. I felt like I was deceiving her by keeping it to myself, but I didn't even have actual proof, just a hunch (and I've been wrong before).  But I don't want to play that game anymore. 

I feel torn. And I feel wrong for feeling this way. I KNOW the right thing is to just let it be. It isn't my problem (unless of course he was going to go drive or something, then I would speak up for others' safety).  



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Mattie


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My experience is that if the A is drinking, it will be apparent soon enough. 

And if they're an alcoholic, they drink.  So it's sort of like saying, "Hey, it's cold inside the freezer."  It's something that's self-evident.  If they're an A and they're not in recovery, they drink.

It sounds like you have some good recovery going on!



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Debilyn


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As you keep your focus off the A it will become easier in time. I got where I didn't care one way or the other. Just was not my problem. I just detached from the disease and loved the person.

You are doing great!! hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Jerry F


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((((Elizabeth)))) you already arrived at your solution and you have the experience.  I don't think you would be untrue or unloyal to your mom for just detaching.   You have already given her your new perception and attitude and plan...be true to your own recover and stay with it.  Does mom attend her own Al-Anon meetings?  ((((hugs)))) smile



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maryjane


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It will get easier with time. Love your mom in a different way than being her little helper. I hope she will see that your way is a more peaceful life.

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maryjane
Elizabeth10


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Thanks everyone :)

I know what I am doing is right for myself, it is just so hard to get out of the old mindsets.

No, my mom does not attend any Al-Anon meetings. Which makes it harder sometimes because I know she doesn't really know where I am coming from. But, it is what it is, and maybe that will change with time.



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Jackie11


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My husband is my A. He quit drinking for a few days back in March. Told his parents. He started drinking again, but didn't tell his parents.

Yesterday my Father in Law was over to help us move a couch out. The liquor bottle fell from it's spot behind the couch. It can't be hidden forever, somehow it comes out eventually.

I had to realize that it wasn't my place to tell my inlaws and that was hard, I felt guilty. So I can't imagine how you must feel about not telling your mom. Thank goodness for this board and the wonderful ESH!!!!

Sending you hugs and support on your journey!!!



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Aloha


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Al-Anon has taught me to mind my own business when it comes down to interfering with other people's relationships.

Telling your mom you smelled booze on dad is interfering with their relationship.

I will say that if your mom's an un-treated Al-Anon, you can probably bet she already knows.

It's not going to do YOU any good to create stress and strife between two people outside of you.

Good that you're questioning your motives and pausing. It's great seeing Al-Anon's tools at work!

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