I Wonder this Often... Today My Youngest Grandbaby Turned One Year old & seems LIke Yesterday I was Pacing the Halls of the Hospital with her Daddy In my Ear Going Crazy, Taking me with him :) Waiting on her to Arrive...

I was Speaking to my Husband today and we got to speaking of my ADad... He said.. "Yea its been what a Yr & 1/2 since you Dad Past" I Just Cried... "No... Its been 3-1/2"... Can't believe that its been that long since I Started this Journey to "Recovery"... Yet Still at the Mention of His Name brings me to Tears.. I Miss him So...

I Remember when I First Got to Al-Anon/AC I was So Raw...I Had Hate, and Discust, and Tons of Anger... Now, 3+ Years I have Remorse, Sorrow, Compassion, Understanding... When it comes to my Family Disease...Still have tough Moments but they seem to pass a Little Quicker thanks to my tools..

As some know after I joined Al-anon after loosing my father to this very disease... After being in this Program since his passing I had decided I too was heading in that direction, for I am an Alcoholic as well. So I gave up alcohol in Oct. 2010...23monts after loosing my father.

"My Slip".... :O So... A Dear Program Friend ask me to Take Pics at her "Vows to Jesus" and I accepted with honor... I have my beliefs but I do not attend affiliations.. So I don't know how these things take place, but there was a part where we all were to eat the bread offering & Drink from the glass...

WELL... As Soon as it touched my Lips... Thee Very 1st Thought that POPPED in my Head was... "OMG...I Slipped!" :O (It was Wine) I Never Realized "HOW" Deep this Disease ran in Me till that moment..That Taste on my lips, was like Lightening the sensation that ran over me..(The 'Guilt' Came 1st) & Then I had to Chuckle at the "thought" but at the same time it was like a slap in the face like "Wow..Now I get why I can't Drink!"... I Clearly Just Can't... The Thought of it is so Fresh in my mind,that at times i can still taste it on my lips,and I am Contantly battling myself about it.. "Don't need it, Leave it be, Is it worth it, look where it got dad" every single time I come in contact with a Person, or Place that Has or Serves alcohol..It Truly is a Disease & I have seen all sides of it... And Then... Unknowingly HP Slides me One in Church...lol...  ;) (Let me Also add that I have done "Communion with Friends that did this, & they used Grape Juice) =)

Its Funny because one of the Ladys I have come to love at my Meetings in the begining always lead about how her Ahusband wasn't "Crazy" al-Anon Showed her it was HER! lol... We Still Laugh about it, because when she would say that every week, I thought... "Yeah... OK. I"ve LIved with Drunks.. Its SOOO Them!" Well... As it turns out... I Found that it wasn't the alcoholics in my LIfe driving me Crazy, it was ME! 90% of the "Crazy" that was Goin on was Invented in my Head, I was So Busy all the Time trying to "Control" that Next Move, and it all started because of My inability & Not Knowing how to Cope with Myself, Instead trying to Control Others...

I can't say I have it all figured out nor would I Ever... Because the Not Knowing is what Makes My Journey its own... I can't believe I have been here with all of you for going on 4 years... Some I Feel like i have Known my Whole life, While Others I hope to get to know better... This is a Journey, I Never Clearly understood that for A Long time, But Coming here, Working my Steps, and Getting the Love & Support of all of you & my F2F Family... I Don't know where I would be! I am Just so Grateful to have a nice place to fall in my Confussion at times, and all your Esh is like a Warm Blanket on a Cool winters Night... I'm Very Much Grateful for the Blessings, & I Truly Hope to BE as much of a Blessing in Life as I feel you all have been to Me... Another Goal along my Trail...

My Life has taking on quite a Busy roll here lately with school getting out & birthdays & graduations and such, but I truly could not ask for more... I Feel I have Allowed this Disease to Rob me of Enough "Gloom & Doom" for a Serveral Lifetimes & I'm Grateful Every day I Put my Feet on a Floor, Sober & Healthy, for another Chance to Make it Right... Everyone I have met along this path, tho Ours Cross we all have our own Inner Thoughts & Feelings to Deal with, I Use to think as long as Someone Else Was OK, Then I Would be... Truth was I was Never OK, Just Surviving the Storm.. As of Now... I Choose to Dance in the Rain

Thanks for Letting me Share... Love, ((((Hugs)))) & Prayers to all  

Jozie