"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

How do u live with yourself?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

When living with alcoholism we go a little wonky , and like it says in the opening we become irritable and unreasonable without know it . Al-Anon explains why this happens alcoholism is progressive and we unknowingly adjust to it over and over again ,I didnt understand this disease and I am sure you didnt either and as has already been said you did the best you could at the time . When we know better we do better its just that simple . Our kids can benefit from our changing ,we can learn to love them the way they are supposed to be loved , We can lead by example . Forgive yourself and move on ,no matter how long you wait the past is never going to change but we can take control over our future. Easy does it . Louise

I am convinced that the only thing that qualifys as normal is the setting on our washing machine . nobodys perfect .

-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 31st of May 2012 04:08:27 PM

CDK · Senior Member

Morning. I have a question. I used to wonder how my A could get up every day, knowing what he did the night before, and just seem to be totally cool with himself. At that time, I wondered how he could look me straight in the eye, and just act normal and guilt free. Now, I am wondering how to live with myself. I see now how completely and totally destructive my codependantI behavior was to him. How awful really, I am. I feel like an absolute failure of a human being. Im sure Im skrewing my kids up. In fact, one of my codependency books has a chapter that says that very bluntly. You WILL raise dysfunctional children, and you cannot help it. I dont want to talk to anyone anymore. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. I think I left.my A mostly so I would not hurt HIM anymore. I feel so guilty and ashamed and not only do I feel like I dont deserve anything good, but also that I deserve to be miserable. Im not a good...anything. Not a good day to be stuck in ,my head.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

In Al-Anon, we call this "Stinkin Thinkin." I hope that you will consider being gentle, kind, and patient with yourself. Self-awareness is a huge first step, as is admitting that you are powerless over the alcoholic in your life. You are doing the right thing and doing the best you can do in very difficult situation. Just take it "one day at a time." You're worth it! You are a good and caring person. If you weren't you wouldn't be trying to figure things out right now.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm grateful Greeneyes responded so quickly to your post cause she is right on. Read her post again and again cause it's her ESH and the same from others of us that will help save your sanity and spirit.

I done what you're doing before and the fellowship of Al-Anon saved my mind, spirit and emotions and gave me my life back.

One of the things they showed me...one of the truths...was that we were all doing the best we could with what we had at that time. Time to move on and learn more and practice more. You will find those tools and strengths in the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon and of course here at MIP...keep coming back...this works when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm a big believer in our program, and the power of positive affirmations.... One of my favourite ones is:

I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time....

Another fave is:

It's okay to look at your past, just don't stare....

The very fact that you are here, is proof that you want to 'break the cycle' and do better going forward....

I think.... you are the best "CDK" that I have ever known, and you deserve love and respect - both from others, AND from yourself.

Take care, and try to be kind to you...

Tom

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Id say dysfunctional is pretty much the rule. Who after all is normal.

I've really come to embrace that alcoholism is the epitome of obsession. Their entire life revolves around when they drink. Certainly on some level they are aware everything is crumbling around them but rather than be able to stop it increases their obsession.

I can well understand the depression and desperation you have. I felt like an absolute failure because I could not cure an alcoholic. Coming to terms with what I could and couldn't do is really the key.

Certianly everything in my life has been dysfunctional, the jobs, the friendships, the marriage(s), the relationships.

Al anon brought me a lot of clarity. It also brought me people who care about me and love me irregardless of what my bank balance is.

I hope you will give al anon a chance to give yourself a break. No one chooses to be codependent, its a life long trait that is acquired from desperate circumstances. The issue is like alcoholism there is the possibility of geting better. In fact I'd say it gets a whole lot better.

I hope you will stick around for a miracle.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one, it's just as easy to stop the negative talk in our heads, and put in positive.

It's also possible to never allow negative thoughts about yourself.

Think about it, lets put a friend, someone very special to you, in a chair across from you. This person is not feeling good about themself. She is hurting, she feels she hurts everyone around her.

What are you going to say to her? "you are worthless, you are no good to anyone, you cannot even raise normal kids" Is negative talk going to help her? Is it going to build her faith in herself?

Now what about,"Hey you are fine just how you are, you always do your best, I have seen you look at things in a loving way. you always put your kids first. I have faith in you."

This friend is you. We all need to be our own best friend. So you do have some pretty rough things to say about yourself, and you feel bad.

What I did for me was climb out of the pit. Told me you are ok just how you are. I learned to love the me the creator gave me. I didn't allow myself to think bad thoughts of me. I began to have faith in myself.

I also stood up for me. I do say hey don't talk to me like that, treat me with respect!

Feeling as you do, well good, you see it,now ask yourself ok now how do I change it? For me I thought ok what is a loving way to look at this obstacle. Treat yourself as something precious.

I mean really how dare we think badly of our self who has an HP who values us?

We have to pull ourselves out of the pit, Get yourself a live flower, go watch the sun set, think about the things you love. I will go to someones house that I know loves me.

I am proud of you for having the courage to come here and admit you are stuck in the pit. So now put your hands up, grab the edge and pull yourself out, there are many people who love you just how you are. And we will help you see that.

Its ok to love you, ya know.

So......close your eyes, drop your elbows, take three clean breaths. Then open your eyes, tell your yourself. "I am ok just how I am." And when a negative thought comes in, say STOP and say it again I am ok just how I am.

Then treat yourself as the precious human being you are. Let me tell ya, the key to happiness is doing things for others. It would make me very happy if you will do this. Believe me it works.

I am nothing special C. I am old, stocky, take naps, avoid crowds, am alone a lot up in the mountains, love all my dogs, not into the latest anything, I adore my kids and grand kids and friends, put the creator first.

I do know I love the me that HP blesses me to be.

I never think or say negative things about myself. Do your best, its all we can do, so it is enough! love,debilyn

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

My heart really goes out to you because I can remember having a lot of those feelings too after reading some well known books on codependence. Some of them as you said were pretty blunt and unlike Alanon literature there wasn't any experience strength and hope to read about people who had made changes, living happier lives and making new choices. When we know better, we do better. Also I wasn't all those things those books said. And if I saw some similiarities... well that wasn't everything that made me the person I am and a good one at that. :)

Alanon is so gentle a program, it's suggests we put ourselves right at the top of our 8th step list to make amend and then forgive ourselves first. Everyone makes mistakes. That's true of all people. Luckily, being perfect isn't necessary to be loved by others or the god of our understanding.

If you were in my face to face meeting, I'd ask to give you a hug right now.((((CDK)))) TT

CDK · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. I don't know what knocked me down, but it doesn't seem to take much honestly. I think it might have been a weird moment at the meeting. We were passing around the sign in sheet, and everyone wrote their "birthdays". The most recent birthday besides mine was frm 2000! There was even someone who's birthday was before I WAS BORN! I am always going to be this way it seems, and the only answer that I can come up with to keep from hurting anyone else, is to be alone forever. I can find this idea tolerable for the next 10 years or so while my kids grow up...but the idea of it for the rest of my life is unbearable. And that's just THAT type of relationship...what if I do some of these things to my friends?! Does this mean I can't even have friends? I heard myself tell a friend what to do just today, and I wanted to sink into the floor. I have no idea how to be gentle with myself. I can do it for maybe a minute. I just really, really, really try not to hurt anyone, and in spite of my best efford (I tried so hard!)...I still did it. All in the name of love! How awful that I don't even know how to LOVE! I can't think of a worse thing. I'm just getting really tired. It's been a month since things fell apart. A month of crying every day, struggling to eat, anxiety attacks, insomnia, friends turning on me because they think I shouldn't be sad anymore, and yes...missing him. I'm worn out. Thank you for your ESH. I will read it over and over. All of it. Thank you.

Chaya · Senior Member

We will keep dealing with our maladaptive behavior called codependence. Like other addictions, if we forget then we will make those same mistakes. What I am seeing now, though, is that much if this behavior is learned so I can unlearn it. Also, I cannot be in a romantic relationship with an addict. I just can't. They are my addiction and we know addictions don't have a cure. They are with us forever even if in recovery. You won't be alone forever and your sickness won't impact everyone in the same way. I feel very strongly that if we work on our codependent behavior we could go on and have a healthy happy relationship with another healthy person. Attempting a relationship with another addict may likely trigger a relapse for you. It sure would for me. I feel bad for my part in perpetuating his disease, but I can only take responsibility for my part. I can't take the blame for the 15 years of drinking he did before he met me. I also must take into account that he augmented my disease. Without him and in practicing mindfulness I can be on my way to being a healthy individual and so can you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear CDK

I too have felt exactly as you describe and found that working the Steps in Alanon helped to relieve me of the guilt from my past actions and fear of the future .

The Steps, gave me the ability to accept my powrlessness,as well as my humanness, and pointed the way to a future filled with compassion, honesty and trust in a Higher Power.

Keep coming back You are worth it.

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of June 2012 10:31:53 AM

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

CDK, it's time to drop the idea that you WILL raise dis functional children. Who says? Some book? It's time to see yourself as your HP sees you. Does your HP want you to live a hard, bad, disfunctional life? No, I believe my HP wants me to use my stumbling blocks as stepping stools to a better, glorious, joyful future. Learn from your past but don't be stuck in the past. Yesterday is in the tomb, today is in the womb!! What you focus on now and give attention to and meditate on and hope for and beleive, you will birth ! Get excited for your future, have faith it will be great and it will be :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"