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There is something that I have been struggeling with for so long. I need someone to make sense of this concept for me. So we are not to argue with the alcoholic, or nag, or plea, etc. But what about when they disrespect you? Whether it's drinking related or not? I mean I hope the message isn't to excuse and let go every single disrespectful behavior without saying something at least to them. I understand when they are drunk or drinking, it is not the right time to approach the matter. But it's just not in me to let go everything all the time. I'm at my witts end sometimes from the disrespectful treatment. He's selfish, arrogant, disrespectful and so much more. But then there's the loving side to him that sucks me in. I just build up all this frustration in me and it gets to an explosion. I'm trying to live a normal life and he is far from normal. I know he means well, I'm very angry with his disease. But where do you seperate him as a person from his disease. Do you excuse every bad behavior as part of his disease ? When and what is ok to confront him on? How do you talk about these issues with him that will not cause explosions and him running off to go drink?
Please someone explain and make sense of these things to me in the best way you can. Very frustrated and confused....
Verbal abuse is normal in an alcoholic relationship , is it acceptable ? NO but since we cannot change other people we need to set boundaries , arguing with a disease is futile it always wins ,learning to walk away * if its safe to do so * . there is no point in trying to justify or explain when drinking the alcoholic has already made up his mind that he's right . the first boundary I set in recovery was asking my husb to lower his voice and stop insulting me , if he didnt I was going to leave the room , when he didnt stop I got up and left . it took him about 3 weeks to realize I meant what I said so the abuse stopped . If I want respect I have to ask for it and boundaries did that for me .
Aloha Leah...I could be wrong but you post suggest to me that you are not in face to face Al-Anon Meetings or into the literature. I've been wrong before and this sounds just like me when I first got into program. There had to be just one fight I could win...There had to be just one time when I could get it into her head to listen and verify my presence in her life...Actually in the disease of alcoholism which is a 24/7 disease and cannot be cured only arrested by total abstinence it is insane to try to make a normal person out of an alcoholic. Doesn't happen and it is his job on top of that.
I learned in recovery that my alcoholic/addict wife wasn't my job...I am/was my job. Yes they/he can be described in the terms you have mentioned and for me the solution was to attend face to face meetings, read the literature and focus on getting me right.
That may not be what you wanted or expected to hear and it is what I learned how to do instead of react to everything "she" said and did that I took personal. You don't have toreact ...you don't have to win ...fighting is optional. Ouch!!
Boundaries. In order for our boundaries to be respected, we must give consequences for crossing our lines. Not ultimatums... a fine line here. I encourage you to read the topic on this message board called Loving Detachment. The posts in there contain valuable ideas about this very subject.
You have to decide what your boundaries are and set rules for yourself; not ultimatums for him. This, too, is a fine line. And this is one of the hardest things for me. A consequence is you setting your own boundaries and sticking to protecting yourself; your goal shouldn't be to punish him or lay demands on him. Your focus, with consequence, is on your level of comfort with any given situation. We in al-anon find ourselves trying to control our Alcoholics in what we always imagined was a loving way. But there is no loving control. If he chooses to disrespect you; it is partially his disease talking - so you must react with that loving detachment and take your own needs into your hands and leave him with the results of his actions. If he gets angry with your choice to protect yourself and nurture your own needs instead of his, and he goes out and drinks; that is not your fault.
As far as confrontation goes, I believe it is perfectly fine to state that when he does ______, you feel _________. And if it happens again, then you will ____________ to take care of your own needs. After he is sober. Otherwise, you are talking to the disease, not the man.
This is the single most confusing idea to grasp. We aren't taught these complex emotions as children. I have always wondered why humans irritate me so, and come to find out it's because I never had any true boundaries. Feeling guilty for saying "no" or for taking care of my own needs allowed others to run all over me. And thus far I have reacted with ultimatums or explosions of temper. So much good can come from studying this concept. Good luck to you. Keep posting.
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"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
I have been in and out of Alanon for many years...and this is STILL a concept I struggle with. Some days I wonder what it might be like to get a "free pass" on all my responsibilities and behavior. It makes me angry on other days.
the key here for me is that the As behavior cannot define my life. I can't change him, and he will never see things the "right" way. It's like arguing with a wall...or trying to make a wall see things in the right way. It's a waste of my time and energy that could be better spent on something else.
what I can do is decide what I want in my life and what I don't want in my life and then I informed my A of those things. Not in a judgmental way or in a righteous way...just straight up...and then I follow through with whatever that meant in terms of actions on my part. In my case it was divorce. I know other folks on this board have made other decisions, but are living with much more serenity staying on their side of the street.
please know that all of us struggle with these things..
You know I think there are a lot of ways to confront behavior which is disrespectful and not all of them include full on confrontation at the time.
When I encounter people who are disrespectful, selfish, arrogant and plain mean there are many tools I can use to deal with them. When I lived with an active alcoholic addict of course one of my tools was to try to confront him. That didn't work at all. But when I disengaged and started to focus on myself his opportunities to disrespect me were far narrower. Lets face facts as he was still an alcoholic/addict he certainly kept it up but my window of opportunity to send it into a full scale war dropped. Did that mean I didn't try to confront him at times out of simple exasperation yep I did.
I think the tendency to want to confront an addict is really an irresistble impulse for so many of us. When I find myself ruminating and obsessing about anyone's behavior there is usually a lot of dysfunction in there. Detaching is my way of dealing with it. Detaching doesn't actually mean "I let it go" far from it. I take the energy out of the current situation so I can consider my options. For me sometimes that meant leaving certain situations. For other situations I had to consider my options.
Al anon is all about options. What are our options rather than our irresistable impulse. Certainly no one is a door mat and no one should have to take abuse all day all night This isn't a program for being stepped all over.
You can certainly let them know their behavior is unacceptable... however... just understand that by your saying something doesn't mean they're going to change at all.
This is where learning to develop healthy boundaries comes in. Decide what action you might take if the A is disrespectful to you again that will leave you feeling okay with yourself. What that action may be is entirely up to you.
I know my sponsor has always encouraged me to stop and think how I would treat a friend in a similar situation. I know for me it used to be that I needed to return disrespect with equal disrespect, but in the long run, I never felt good about myself. It's a step away from the norm to treat someone with dignity and respect when they're not being respectful to you. I can say I always came out of such situations feeling okay with myself, however, when I remained respectful.
Yup what everyone else has echoed .. what Aloha said really sticks out .. "You can certainly let them know their behavior is unacceptable... however... just understand that by your saying something doesn't mean they're going to change at all." You also have the right to say how you feel knowing that once it is said .. saying it again is boarder line controlling.
All you can do is the best you can do in those situations.
The other thing I have is that I can look myself in the mirror know I have done the best that I can and leave it to God (my HP). I don't think my AH can say the same .. if he could he wouldn't be drinking now.
Anyway, keep coming back it gets easier and doing the next right thing for yourself feels pretty dang good. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
