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I am new to this forum and new to Al-Anon. "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" I'm sure that this is a common question that many who are in a relationship/marriage with an alcoholic want to find an answer. The man I love is a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic but, when he is sober, he is the kindest, most gentle man that anyone would meet. It is truly a Jekyll and Hyde scenario. Then the alcohol comes into play. After yet another horrible incident a couple of months ago, he finally realized that he needed to get sober. He did so for a month (without the help of AA, which he refused) but, after that, he started sneaking alcohol. On several occasions, although he wasn't being abusive, I still suspected he was drinking in smaller amounts. When I would ask him, he would lie and proudly recite the number of days that he had been "sober". A couple of days ago he was sneaking drinks and had a major incident that involved a number of people, including myself. He drank to the point where he does not even remember the entire evening. He was verbally abusive to me in front of others and, in the process, possibly ruined several friendships (some very longstanding). His friends are at their wits end with his behavior and I am not sure if I want to continue to be a part of his life.
He has again said that he realizes that he cannot have any amount alcohol, ever. He confessed to drinking "many times" over the last several weeks, including the days that I suspected he was drinking and confronted him and he was not honest. He went to two AA meetings today and has asked me to stand by him while he gets sober and healthy. Part of me wants to stay and support him, the other part wants to run like hell before I get hurt again. I want to believe that he will stay sober and I will have the wonderful man that I fell in love with....but will he lie again and just try to hide things better until another incident occurs. Will I always be looking for signs that he has been drinking? Will I ever be able to trust him again?
I know that whether I stay or go is a decision that I need to make for myself, but I am hoping that maybe someone can give me some guidance or insight based on their own experience. I would hate to throw in the towel if there really is hope but, on the other hand, the emotional abuse is taking its' toll and is overshadowing the fond memories. Right now, my head is spinning and I don't know what to do.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and, if I don't get feedback, at least I had the opportunity to vent.
Welcome to MIP! You are never alone. There are many of us who have similar stories. For myself, my AHSober left the marriage. I had to decide what kind of relationship that I would have with him. He doesn't drink but the emotional abuse is at times unbearable. It is really not a decision of staying or going but of how are we going to take care of ourselves and how are we going to get into recovery. I go to face to face meetings, read the literature, got a sponsor, and pile the program of Alanon on me. Some good books to read are the Getting Them Sober books by Toby Rice Drews. She gives us options for all kinds of scenarios. You can leave or stay just for today.
I'm glad you have found us. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will only get worse (as you have experienced) unless he goes into a program of recovery and sticks with it. Unfortunately you've already seen what happens when they try to stop on their own. I imagine everyone on these boards has seen the same thing.
Alcoholism has so much insanity in it that we get sucked into the insanity without even realizing it. Going for our own recovery can turn our lives around.
Whether he decides to go for recovery is unfortunately only up to him. They only decide on their own timeline, and many never do. In Al-Anon we have the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. That's how little control we have.
If he's going to go into recovery and stick with it, that will become apparently. I personally would wait until I see a good stint of recovery happening before making any longterm plans based on the idea that he will be in recovery. Until that happens, it's safest to make longterm plans based on him drinking as he is now.
I hope you'll find a meeting, and keep coming back. No one should have to go through this alone. Hugs.
Unfortunately we can't see into the future. You have witnessed some scary things. It will get worse unless he does something to arrest the progression of the disease. If he is 80% nice and 20% horrible now, then in the future it will be 40% nice and 60% horrible.... and then even worse. The Jekyl and Hyde story was written about alcoholism. Drinking so much he doesn't remember the evening is normal for an alcoholic. My hubby doesn't remember very much of what he said or did for many years. He doesn't understand even now why I don't trust him and he knows it will never be like it was between us.
Give this some time. Don't make plans with him for the next few years until you can see for yourself that he has had a huge change. This disease is a mental illness that has drinking as only a symptom of what is really wrong. Stopping the drinking is a needed first step that he has to make. It is his choices, his disease, and only he can take care of himself.
I am glad you found MIP and keep up the face to face Al-anon meetings and the in time working on your own recovery process the answers will come. Atleast they did for me. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The whole issue of stay or go is a recurrent one in al anon. You don't say what your living status is or what your depdency (if there is one) with this man is. For so many of us there are heavy dependency issues. My whole life was eventually centered around the alcoholic. There were many many factors that played into this.
Al anon can certainly help. One book that really gets to the issue of expectations is called Getting them Sober which really addresses the whole issue of "hope" and expectations. For me that was a huge stumbling block. I know this board, the people here, have helped me immeasurably they saw me through both the bad times and the good times.
Thank you for all of the thoughts and recommendations, everyone! He is now getting involved in AA and has attended four meetings in two days. He has told me that he has hit his "rock bottom" and that he does not want to drink ever again. I want to believe that he means what he is saying and that he is committed to living a sober life. I realize, as Mattie mentioned, that it is on his own timeline.
Orchid Lover - We are not married and live in our own homes so, fortunately, when times get tough I have an escape (I am assuming that this is what you were referring to when you ask about our living status and what my dependency is with him). The book that you and Nancy mention sounds like a great resource for answers to some of the questions that I have, especially on the topic of expectations. That is a big question that I have...what can be expected during this recovery process.
