The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been dating a recovering alcoholic for the past year and a half. He has been part of the AA program for the past 12 years. He attends 3-5 evening meetings a week, including a Big Book Study with his guy friends and his home group meeting. Many a weekend nights I have spent alone because of him attending weekend meetings and being gone from 730pm til past midnight some nights, claiming that he needs them. He has even had to go away for weekend all of a sudden to "clear his head." We do not live together either. I cannot argue with his sobriety, i know how important it is to him for him to be healthy, as it is to me. I do not understand this when he cancels plans we had or pulls no shows and says its because he needs to be around his friends in the program. There has been lots of ups and downs and he says I don't understand him and his desire sometimes to only be around people in the program because I do not attend al-anon meetings or aa meetings. I have offered to go with him as support and he claims it's something he wants to "do himself." I have a hard time believing his issues are AA related at this point, and think he is full of ****, and uses it as a bargaining tool with me. i have increasingly become lonely, and we have started having some major issues because of it. He is also attending school, which causes him stress, which makes him turn to AA to help him get through it, instead of me. He has also been using ananbolic steroids and i have noticed a change in his mood, and his level of anxiety, and he has become paranoid and jealous which has made him very unreasonable to be around. We recently broke up, him saying i cannot help him, and i have basically given up. I don't understand how steroids can fit into the AA program, if he is abusing the program that helped to save his life so many years ago. He says to let him go through this rough patch and things will be better. I have heard this before from him and there always seems to be a rough time for him to go through, "that i dont understand." Please help me understand if this is in fact an AA issue or just an 'xxxx' issue? He has pulled at my heart enough that I don't know what to believe anymore. And why so many meetings after 12 years of sobriety? I sometimes think its become a social thing that he is excluding me from, and feelings of neglect and loneliness come out from me. And if we are having relationship issues, isn't it just as important to face them to solve them, as going to an AA meeting? Please help :(
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 07:52:34 PM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 11:20:20 PM
I do not understand this when he cancels plans we had or pulls no shows and says its because he needs to be around his friends in the program.
That right there spoke volumes to me .. I'm not going to say stay or go however part of working a very solid program is suiting up and showing up. It doesn't mean run and hide from relationship responsibilities and life. AA is about learning how to be sober, however with that goes the fact of personal responsibility in changing how an A thinks. The same way Alanon changes us and how we think. Instead of putting our needs and wants on the back burner it's learning to address them.
What do YOU think though that's more important and instead of trying to figure out why he does or doesn't do these things, coming to alanon would give you time to focus on why you are doing what you are doing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The steroids thing does not sound promising to me. And the changing plans at the last minute doesn't sound like something I'd want in a relationship. As for all the meetings, yes, many people do find they need meetings 3-5 times a week to stay away from alcohol. That doesn't mean that you have to be okay with being in a relationship with someone who's at meetings 3-5 times a week. Both needs can be valid -- the need to be at meetings all the time, and the need to see more of your boyfriend. It just means those two people aren't a great match.
The best comment I ever heard about relationship partners is, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." He's telling you that he's someone who goes to 3-5 meetings a week, changes plans, and uses steroids maybe when he shouldn't. And he has no interest in changing. It sounds as if you're not happy about those things. If you knew that those things indeed weren't going to change, what would you do?
I hope you can keep reading on here, learn all you can about addiction, keep coming back, and keep on taking good care of yourself.
How do you feel in this relationship? Do you feel loved and appreciated and included in his life? I have no clue what made me stay in the relationship with my recovering alcoholic. I wasn't happy. I cried all the time. I felt excluded from his life (he didn't even let me see him take his one year chip) and didn't feel he wanted to be part of mine. I felt unappreciated, unloved, and worthless. It wasn't love that kept me with him; it was my own disease of codependency. We have spent more time apart than together in the last 2 years but it has been hard to let go. This is just day one for me. I've had a lot of day ones. So I'm wondering, what keeps you with your guy?
With love and support,
Chaya
If you find an Alanon meeting, someday you might tell him it's the best suggestion he ever gave you. I think you have a lot of legitmate concerns about his behavior. From what you wrote about him, it doesn't sound like he is being honest with himself or you. Alanon meetings will help you to figure out what you want. Having the AA/Alanon fellowships is not at the exclusion of having a life which includes others outside of 12 step programs. If he's hanging on by his fingernails, you might want to decide whether you're going to hang onto him by his toes or let go. I have always liked this quote someone in Alanon shared with me and it works for all kinds of relationships. "Never make someone else your priority and allow yourself to be their option." You deserve the best love that you can give yourself. Alanon can help. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you everyone for the words of wisdom, and advice. It's hard for me to understand sometimes what he is going through and the challenges he faces on a daily basis. I have read the responses to my troubles a few times over and have let them sink in. I have stopped reacting to his behavior and have turned over the leaf of support and have started listening to him more, and have bit my tongue on a few occasions over the past week. I have found that taking the pressure off of him, taking a deeep breath myself, and just shutting up, when I feel the need to negatively express my feelings, has done wonders in opening up the door to communication, instead of closing it. I love him for the person he is, the hard work he has done, and I am proud of him for standing true to the program. His attitude has come around since I have "let him be." I am not going to lie. It's hard. I think that he is worth it. He admitted that he sometimes doesn't think he deserves to have someone in his life that loves him, and tries to support him as much as I do, and he tells me it scares him. And when he gets scared, the only way he knows how to cope is to attend AA meetings as much as he can to help keep his "head straight" as he puts it. I am reading as much as I can and am reading the Big Book in hopes that it will help me to further understand. I am not unfamiliar to alcohol/drug abuse. I know how the suffering of having to deal with a loved one with an alcohol/drug issue feels like. I lost my younger brother (he was 30) 2 years ago to a weak heart from alcohol/drug abuse when he was in his late teens/early 20's. I would have done anything to save him. Its still very painful for me, and I am educating myself, and tell anyone that will listen my story. I know that it helps with the healing, as does the grief counselling. My boyfriend helped me to understand that I needed help, and he let me be while I was getting it. Part of me might think that if I "let him be" too long, that I am going to lose him just like I lost my brother. I am unsure, but I realized I hold on tighter when I feel he is pulling away. I have a feeling that Al-Anon will help me in more than one way, and I thank everyone for helping me to maybe start to understand myself better, my boyfriend, and even things my brother went through when he was alive. I know it is all relevant.
