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From what I know, they can be characteristic of a dry drunk.
If your husband doesn't actually share the same house with his mother, then I can see how she can be in denial. She might hear about his antics, but hearing about them and living with them are 2 different experiences.
I say this because just yesterday I heard one of my brother-in-laws tell my husband (who is 1 year sober) that my husband was in really bad shape the last 2 years before his sobriety began. This brother-in-law witness his behaviors because he lived with him those 2 years. I wanted to add that he was bad off way............ before he moved in with this brother. But I just kept quiet. I know the truth and why say anything? Just to rub it in his face? nah.
Before those 2 years, when we lived together (36 years) I tried to explain to his family how bad off he was. But they didn't get it. But they all got to witness it to varied degrees when he moved out of our home for those 2 years, especially the brother that he lived with.
Just a thought that might apply to your situation.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 04:08:35 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
How is it that my AH of 3 years can be one year "sober," yet still immature, inconsiderate, manipulative, and full of rage enough to be increasingly more physically aggressive with me? To my knowledge, he has not picked up a single drink. Yet, he ditched AA almost as quickly as he go into it one year ago. His mother, who has a master's in social work and does some small degree of counseling, is in denial about his physical aggression/anger management problem. His family is, seemingly, functional and healthy (including his mother) - and, yet, NO ONE seems to really understand how very ill this man is?
Are these just the characteristics of a dry drunk?
I am ranting, but really I am afraid. I am concerned that my AH has more serious mental health issues (suspect personality disorder), that will not be addressed as long as his family continues to deny and enable him. I know, not my problem, and I should perhaps mind my own business - at the same time, I have a young child, and myself, to protect.
I am afraid to be with him, and just as afraid to not be with him.
Feeling very frustrated and lost.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
If he is not working a "real program of recovery" I"m not talking about just AA .. I'm talking about any kind of recovery program then the thinking never changes, .. pretty much .. if nothing changes then nothing changes. The drinking is merely a symptom of the bigger issues.
Yes, .. the mental issues have to be addressed after the drinking stops, it sounds like those issues are being hidden from what you have shared instead of truly addressed.
I can understand your fear because of the unpredictability of his behavior, .. working the steps of alanon helps know how to defuse situations that I would have blown up in earlier times. Hang tough, call your sponsor and you will know what to do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have said this a lot this week...whenever I ask "why???????????????" in shear frustration, anger, or fear....the answer is undoubtedly and simply "because he is an alcoholic" ...doesn't matter if he hasn't drank for a little while, even a year...that is usually the reason at least my AH acts the way he does.
I've heard your situation described many times before as a "dry drunk". Unless the A is working a continuing recovery program (be it through AA or something similar) that addresses their personality and thinking patterns and behaviors, they're not necessarily going to get any better. Now you're just living with an A that no longer uses alcohol as the crutch to deal with his discomfort with life in general, so, unfortunately, it comes out as rage.
The fact that his rage is increasingly physical worries me -- please take very very good care of yourself. Do have an escape plan (things packed in the trunk of the car, key accessible, place to go). We can't afford to lose you.
Yes, it could be the dry drunk syndrome. I have always said that living with my AHsober as a dry drunk was far worse then any drunk I went through with him. No need to analyze violent behavior or fear for yourself and your child. Get some distance from him.
Aloha Klotus...Sober is so much more than just being alcohol free. Talk to some AA elders and get a better perspective. If he is getting abusive and/or violent...take the next step and get public service (cops and courts) involved that should help him also.
MANY helpful points. And, GailMichelle, thank you for sharing your experience with the A's family. It doesn't occur to me that they may not really know. Even though he is living with his parents right now, and they have seen some behaviors now and in the past, he hasn't done it in the same way in front of or to them. He always "shapes up" to some degree around them. I think I get stumped when I realize that his mother is educated and experienced to some degree. For God's sake, when a victim of domestic violence comes to a counselor, you don't say "well, honey, what did you do to push his buttons? He's really not a violent person, you know." However, I cannot expect his mother to be anything other than subjective - he is, after all, her son.
She has long ago taken on the role of the family matriarch, but also is way too involved (in my opinion) in trying to "help" specifically my AH, but also her other children - even though she technically can stay out and mind her own business, the motives are always lurking and she is emotionally involved all the time.
A neighbor recently mentioned to me that my AH had anger management issues in his last relationship, and that his ex moved out twice due to his needing anger management. I knew my AH and his ex only a little bit then, but I could sense/see a lot. My MIL has always blamed my AH's exes when it came to any of their problems (yes, we actually discussed this). It's no wonder. Interestingly, she insists that she is skilled in being objective when it comes to my AH.
Now, what am I going to do? Keep reading, going to meetings, and getting counseling. Can anyone tell me, though, how it is that I don't feel like I'm growing or moving forward? I feel stuck still. I crave personal growth and insight.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I had experienced the same blame game with my MIL and when AH would get dry he was worse, because he had no tools, he couldn't see needing any outside help of any kind and yes Mom and Dad were always there to counsel as if they were not his parents trying to keep me with him and taking abuse. I dove into my program and focused solely on myself. I had to seperate first, becuase I was obsessed by my then AH and living on my own was the only way I could not distract myself. It took time to get my side of the street to be the main focus and figure out what to do with my bored energy that used to feed on the drama of him and his family. I once thought I would have to learn to knit and make a whole body suit for both kids, haha. Keep working your porogram and read Al-anon literature as if your life depended on it and well things got so much better for me and decisions I had to make became clear. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Well there isn't a cookie cutter alcoholic. Many many alcoholics hit various walls of issues at certain times in recovery.
I've encountered my share of denial among people in the helping professions. What I have come to see is the red flag is what I need to look at. Red flags of physical abuse are a big one for me. I've encountered more physical abuse than anyone should have in their lifetime. Some of the people who had those issues are full of denial. Its no longer my job to convince them they have an issue.
I was absolutely fused to the alcoholic/addict I lived with for seven years. We had so much invested in the relationship and daily he did things to destroy it as he destroyed himself. These days when people ask me how he is I tell them I have no place for him in my life but a few years ago he was my entire life. I lived in fear.dread and anticipation of what he did next. My whole life was controlled by his moods, his excesses and his needs. Mine all fell by the wayside.
I can definitely understand the place you are in. I had to look far and wide for help for msyelf and indeed realising that it was up to me to get help for me rather than keep dealing with his pain and anguish was so key. Now I am willing to ask for help all the time but I am far more selective of where I go for it. I'm ready to let go of those who don't help so much quicker.
