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This is a hard one for me. Loving detachment. Where do we cross the line between detaching from taking our A's actions personally, but still loving them to cold hearted detachment? To me, at first - and sometimes still- , detachment of any sort felt cold hearted to me. But when I came to realize that my "attachement" wasn't loving; it was controlling. Not with ill intent, but still it is a form of control. It is so hard to describe.
Punishing our A's doesn't work; it gives them ammo for their disease. But going about your day, taking care of your needs and letting go of your A's actions and allowing them to find the consequences of crossing your boundaries without punishment.
When my A relapsed, I used to get angry. Which I felt I had the right to do. But I would get really angry and try to punish her by moving into the spare room for a few days and ignoring her like she wasn't there. That didn't work. Now, I still may move into the spare room until she is back to her normal loving self, but I don't ignore her and I do it for my own needs. It is no longer about making her pay for putting me through that. It is all about me taking care of myself. I spend my alone time on ME, not making a display for her to feel guilty. She will make herself feel badly for her actions, even if I don't know she's feeling that way.
This is one of the single most difficult ideas to grasp. I'm still working on it. If he is worth your love, this journey will not be easy; but it may very well save your marriage and allow you to evolve as a person. Keep at it!
-- Edited by littlehawk on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 11:15:28 AM
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"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
Have you looked at the sticky at the top of the forum explaining why alcoholism is categorized as a disease? The video in particular (it's long, but worth it!) really helped me come to a place of compassion for my AH.
Detaching with love means, to me, instead of withdrawing in anger and hostility (f-you buddy, you drunk p.o.s. worthless husband arrgggggg!) withdrawing with a softer attitude (he is so sick and doesn't even know it, god bless him, god save him).
Detaching with love didn't mean that I stood around and accepted abuse or a destructive relationship. It meant I released MYSELF from a lot of anger. (I still feel angry, mind you, but I can keep it in perspective.) Detaching with love didn't mean that I kept on giving to my AH when I felt I had nothing to give. In my experience, that just caused me to resent him, which is good for neither goose or gander!
As an example, when we detach with love, we may not give them a ride to the liquor store...not out of a sense of punishment or retribution, but because their drink is none of our business and it was more loving to NOT enable them than to do it. So we say no, this is our right, and kindly walk away from the request. Detaching without love, denying the ride to the liquor store would have included a rant about how they were destroying the marriage, ruining their lives, how could you do this to me when you know what happens when you drink, etc.
In abusing any substance, be it nicotine or alcohol, the user actually causes damage to the neural pathways in their brain. With enough abuse, they are literally incapable of making the connection between cause and effect. Until I understood this, I was SO SO frustrated as to WHY my AH kept doing things that we blatantly obvious to me as destroying our marriage, destroying his life. Now I know that he does those things because he brain cannot process cause and effect. He has blown that neural connection in his brain...there are chemical potholes there.
This is why, I believe, recovery is so difficult. The brain is not working effectively and while those neural pathways can and do recover with abstinence, it can take years...and during those years, it takes incredible effort and commitment to a recovery program to override the malfunctioning brain. Heck, even us Al Anoner's are into some negative behavioral habits that give us a neural jumpstart and maybe that's why we have a hard time learning new ways and sticking to them.
Understanding all this helped me to detach with love. I did not detach with apathy, or disgust (though I did at first!), or hatred...I gave my AH over to my HP's loving care. And I re-attached to MYSELF with love as well.
It's hard. I was able to detach with love after I first detached with self-protective frustration and anger. Maybe detaching with love is a process that comes to us with time...
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 11:16:21 AM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Most of the responses you've gotten echo my viewpoint and experience.
I was extremely confused when I was told to detach with love. Un, really!
And what La-La drug are you taking? LOL That was my thoughts at the time.
But I did learn to detach. I recall the last visit to the attorney's to sign the divorce papers. Hubby wasn't present. The lawyer commended me for how I handled everything. By that time, I had let the anger and hurt go. I understood that he had a disease, and that whatever harm I perceived that he caused was not intentional or personal.
Detachment is a process. For me, it slowly evolved as I gained more understanding of alcoholism and learned to value myself and become more self-reliant. I realized that I could be happy even if some of my dreams would not come true. I just had to create other dreams and go forth.
You asked why should he be allowed to continue to do what alcoholics do. Well, because you are powerless over his choices. He is alcoholic and part of the disease denial. It took a helluva lot for my ex to acknowledge that he couldn't drink and expect to stay alive. He went through hell and back countless times. Now, he is sober 1 year today. He is sober, which is great. However, due to his alcohlism, he now has neuropathy in the feet and legs. His energy level isn't what it could be at his age. But it is compromised due to neuropathy.
Be patient with yourself. It is evident that you are striving to understand the idea of detachment with love. You'll get there if that is your heart's desire. Your path to detachment is your personal path. I know for me it didn't happen over night and there were lots of variables involved.
All the hell is a blessing to me. For I now have a better understanding of unconditional love. I slip up at times and find my thoughts lean more on the side of conditional love. But I am usually quick to detect that weakness in me and correct it.
Be patient.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 01:01:02 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I typed this up for myself and copied and pasted it here:
I've heard this saying thrown around the rooms of Al Anon many times but I still don't get it. Detaching with love? I just don't understand how to apply it. Right now, I feel like I'm walking around with an angry chip on my shoulder because of his relapse this past weekend and I have no idea how to be 'loving' or compassionate. It doesn't make any sense. My trust has been broken, my heart is grieving, and yet I am sitting here contemplating detaching with love? What gives?
Right now, I feel like we're roommates because I've 'detached' to the point where I don't even want to be touched by him anymore. I just don't understand how we can love and give of ourselves when all they do is take and then say that we are detaching with love. Am I mistaken here? What am I missing?
I understand completely what your saying and feeling. Its hard to feel compassion when your feeling so much anger for someone who you believe to be screwing up your life and their own life.
What it really comes down to is recognizing alcoholism as a disease. If your partner had any other life threatening disease that is more acceptable to society, would you have more compassion? Im not saying this as a judgement of you. I have walked in your shoes. Whatever the disease would be , we would have to somehow learn to detach from it, for our own sanity.
Right now I care take my Mom who has Dementia, there are days that are very difficult, but my Alanon tools have helped me detach with love because she cant be blamed for her Dementia. Same as Alcoholics cannot be blamed for their disease .
In order to detach with love, our perspective has to change, our love somehow needs to expand to another plateau. Whether we stay with that person or not has nothing to do with our growth as people. We need to be kinder to ourselves. We need to have faith that our lives are moving in the right direction. We need to keep seeking for the answers as you are doing.
It will come , just have patience and trust in your life.
I understand what you're saying. You know, a friend of mine separated from her husband who was a diabetic. He was not managing his disease and was neglecting to take his insulin and they kept fighting about it and it caused terrible tension in their home. Shortly after they reconciled he had a diabetic episode while driving and was killed in a car crash. He was not managing his diabetes. So, I guess I feel that if he has the disease of alcoholism then he should be managing it just like a diabetic must manage their disease. Why should I allow him to just do what alcoholics do? It is a 'disease' that can be arrested if he chooses to manage it.
I don't know, maybe I'm seeing things backwards. But, I do know that I am definitely seeking answers, LOL!
I think detachment is partly about not taking it personally. More, "This is a tragic situation this man has gotten himself into" rather than "How can my life have become like this?!" Part of it is about limiting the impact the person has on your life. If someone is crashing your car and coming home at 3 every morning in a noisy drunken stupor, then of course the impact is such that it's incredibly hard to detach. But if their actions are limited to their own sphere, and we've protected, say, our finances, then we can see them spinning in their own orbit and feel sad rather than furious. The way I see it, it's also about not letting their bad moods mean that we're in a bad mood. Humans are made to have "contagious" emotions, because we live in groups. So whoever has the strongest emotion spreads their emotion to others. If someone's angry, others are liable to get angry; if someone's laughing, others tend to laugh. Usually the A is so grumpy or angry or whatever that he has the strongest emotion, and we get infected with that grumpiness or anger too. But if we detach, we can have our own regular emotions (happiness, or sadness, or just going about our day) without the A jamming up the airwaves, so to speak. First comes detaching, and the detaching with love comes later, in my experience. I think the love means not being furious at the A, just accepting that sadly it is what it is.
Such great ESH here! I agree with littlehawk- I think of detachment as the opposite of attachment. Going along with the disease process of my AH caused me to experience things that were unhealthy: threats, anger, denial, ultimatums, weakness, health problems, codependency, etc. With detachment, I am seeking a healthy way to live by seeking and finding: self-care, awareness, acceptance, action, faith, strength, wellness, etc. These are much better goals/choices for me. He is still drinking, but I know what I want to do despite his poor choices.
There is no medicine for alcoholism except for abstinence and education and some divine intervention . Im a diabetic on insulin and medications and value my life and want to continue to live a healthy life for as long as I can. Some people go thru life uneducated about their illness.
Alcoholism is very complex . The alcoholic is the one that has to decide when he is ready to abstain. Its a physical and psychological disease as Im sure you know. Its a selfish disease, it cares for nobody. After being married for 26 years to an active alcoholic and as much as he said he loved me. You know that famous song "Whats love got to do with it."Love has nothing to do with it. Im of the belief that every relationship has its obstacles, nothing is perfect. Nothing is black and white. We have to weave out a life for ourselves that we can live with. We cant change the disease, but we can change how we react to it and make choices so that we can have a reasonably sane life.
This is one of those Great Post and Great Responses. I know I will come back to it later so that I can recount my own journey on the subject. Detachment with love at first was an oxymoron for me and I was a newbie who had to sit at the knees of the elders in the program in order to learn. Detachment contains in part the ability to surrender the problem...to surrender myself to a power greater than myself and the tools (people, places and things) that my HP would put in my life so that I can "get it". Detachment is artwork, skill work, for me it takes active listening and thinking over time rather than reacting without thought. "What is it about this that I can do anything about and do I have any experience to offer on it". Detachment comes for me again with inventory/foresight. Does the person (doesn't always have to be "the" alcoholic), have the time, the ability and the facility to take care of their needs? If they appear not to do I ask them if they need and want my "limited" help. I am not God yet at one time I acted like a "mini me" for God. It is only after this process and getting a yes response to offering my help that I will "participate" with them and not take over. If I take over I give up my life and I won't do that anymore.
Loving for me again is a characteristic of my personality. It is not a partime characteristic...It is a full time characteristic and I no longer have a prejudice as to who, how, when and how much I display it. Loving is my HP's will and from discovery "Love" is my HP's name. "Love" is the opposite of Fear...for me neither can exist within me at the same time...only one can occupy my spirit and my behaviors and the other is not present. Being Loving is attending to my health...mind, body, spirit and emotions while Fear is living outside of the reach of my Higher Power and the tools of recovery...this program, your ESH and wisdom and also your love.
Mother Teresa wrote a book "Love Anyway" read from the masters.
In Al-Anon I learned about love from masters of it...mostly women and not all. One quote is still a major "sticky" on the refrigerator door of my soul. "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice"...for me that isn't completely accurate the quote helps me to understand that I will not give up the characteristic even when I am not being justly treated. Another is "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other person (not only the alcoholic) for exactly who they are (unconditionally). That one came to me from a woman I met but once on the Wednesday Night AFG meeting and she didn't mention "her alcoholic" in the definition. I was having trouble detaching from my alcoholic/addict wife in this early stage of recovery and this woman carried my next stepping stone. My alcoholic/addict was just one of those "every other" human beings.
I gonna hang with this thread and the wisdom you family have brought to it...Unconditional Love and Acceptance for me is the foundation stone to our peace of mind and serenity.
I like to keep things simple and this statement made Detachment with love perfectly clear .
If the alcoholic passes out on the lawn , leave him there but remember to turn off the automatic sprinkler before you go to bed . Your not responsible for his passing out on the lawn nor is it your job to see that he gets to a comfy bed but we can love them enough to not make things worse by turning off the water.
What a great thread. For me, along the lines of what mattie said above, I realized nothing he was doing was to hurt me, he is a sick man. It took a weight off my shoulders honestly, and as he continued to spiral down and make bad choices and destroy his life--I didn't take it personally or get as angry as I used to. I felt so bad for him--it can be very painful to watch, but I also did what I had to do to protect myself.
The three C's really helped me through and especially LIVE and LET LIVE! He was going to drink or not regardless of what I do or say--it is HIS choice, in the meantime--I need to LIVE, and that will not consist of me sitting around fuming about his choice to drink again. That isn't living.
We also have become like roommates (well, now he has an apartment but he wants to move back in) and for me, only until recently could I even consider a husband-wife situation again. But I see glimpses of the man I married and love in there when he has clear eyes and is in a good place. It's not easy...so I keep coming back!!!
The only tidbit I would add - is I think it's a bit of a trap for us (Al-Anons) to get in that mode of "if they tried, they would get sober", as if it were that easy, then all "strong" people would conquer this disease, and there would not be the need for all the AA (and Al-Anon) support out there.....
The unique thing about this disease is that there IS an "element of choice" involved in one's recovery, but there are many physiological and emotional/psychological factors as well...
For me, the ability to practice "loving detachment" was not an easy one - I was able to apply that much more when I realized that my anger, resentments, frustration was only hurting ME....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Keep at it!