Thinking about leaving, fed up and heartbroken - Al-Anon Family Group

Sangyaa · Veteran Member

Thinking about leaving, fed up and heartbroken

Sally · Member

Sorry for what you are going thru. In March, I got a protection order & had my AH removed from our house. Since then, it has been so peaceful in the house. No more screaming & yelling. No more walking on egg shells, and not knowing when he was going to explode. If he was out late, it was hard to sleep, cuz every little noise I thought it was him coming home, and not knowing if he would be in a rage. The stress level is soiw, now. I was on edge all the time, and it was affecting how I dealt with work, kids, family. The biggest challenge now is paying the bills on my income. But I am finding it easier than I feared, because now I can control the spending...and not have to figure out how to cover or fix things financially when he spent money that was already set To pay bills. Good luck!!

Ziola · Member

Hi, I know what you are going through! I was living with an addict for years, trying to help him. He made so many excuses, postphoned kicking & going to rehab until I threw him out. Twice. He finally got help and now we are married & things are much, much better. He is clean but still tough to live with. I loved him inmensely but I realized supporting him while he was still using was making things worse & driving me nuts. You're not helping anybody, especially yourself. You especially need a support system to stay sane & keep a sense of perspective. I strongly encourage an Alanon mtg & coffee with a friend. Who's going to take care of you if you don't? Hang in there. I would decide what you need, share your thoughts with him & see if he's willing to get help. There are sliding scale places everywhere, so money or lack of insurance should never be an excuse.

sookie · Senior Member

When I separated from my alcoholic husband, once I realized my bills would be paid, I could mow my own lawn, shovel my own driveway and survive taking care of my kids' daily needs...it was peaceful, quiet, safe, even HAPPY. Something I had not experienced in years and well worth the struggle in taking care of those details.

You are in the right place--the right decision will be clear when you are ready--for me it took A LOT of pain and hanging on and suffering until I chose to do things differently. It is not easy...! best wishes for some peace and stability.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, for me, once he was gone, I felt me climbing out of his diseases pit. It was like a wound, took awhile to heal, but the peace of it helped me so much.

Coming here made all the difference. My brothers and sisters here kept me sane, reminded me how to heal, reminded me of slogans and even of the simplest things I had told others, they reminded me.

They kept me strong. I had lost everything, my animals, my home, my vehicles, my savings.

But I climbed and climbed. I also am a very devout person to our creator, so had strength there.

I did and do one day at a time. Take care of what I can then rest and or play. I learned I can choose how to react, I learned how to be frugal, and found out what was really important to me.

We can do nothing for the A anyway. They have to do it for themselves. Him putting you down is trying to put you below him, he wants to control you.

So for me I really really began noticing I liked me, I saw cobwebs I didn't see before, I got back into gardening etc.

Now I have a neat cabin over a beautiful river, have my dogs still two cats, one potted pig and guinea pigs.. am in the mountains. I just bought with cash, a very nice dependable pickup. am super frugal. live on very little but am fine. WE always have what we need.

yea the A who did heroin and whatever else he could find, now is a parasite off an older woman. Believe me they can take care of themselves. I refused to allow him to parasite off me. When it came to that, I could not do it anymore.

So for me I got my life back. I don't regret we had our time, as a few years he was in a strong recovery. (Medical Relapse and brain damage)

I don't regret I used my Al Anon skills for years to stay with him. But when I was done, I was done.

I love sitting here right now hearing the river going by the craggy rocks, sooo quiet. No stress, no tight tummy, not jumping when there is a noise. My dogs are safe, I am safe. Feels healthy, can clean. No ones disease is sucking the life out of me. Have lots of flowers, lotsa dogs, I am in heaven. (c:

Hugs, hope you find strength, debilyn

Chaya · Senior Member

Sangyaa, I run a narcotic treatment program and know how difficult heroin addiction can be. If you have any specific questions I'd be happy to help. Chaya

Inawhirl · Member

Hugs and best wishes. You'll have to decide for yourself.

But why are you with him - longer term - anyway? Plan to marry, have kids, etc? or is it just a fling for now?

The situation you are in now would probably be devastating for kids. I stuck with my AH for years and it was only when I realized how it was wrecking our kids lives that I made arrangements to leave. We were lucky. He stepped up, and is 11 years sober.

But the damage was done. By then I was quite independent and 11 years later I still am. Independent to the point of distant one might say. Long held habits take a long time to change and Ive never been sure I even want to change. But it was particularly bad for our son who at 25 is still so angry (needs alanon, I know, but you can't make them do that either). On top of that he also has the disease but won't admit it (I know he's not A if he doesn't say it, ha!). It still breaks my heart every day. Where did the happy boy go? I love him but almost can't recognize him sometimes. He gets sullen and depressed and even more angry when he drinks and then acts as if he hates me. He doesn't believe in depression and won't get help for that. He had to cheat on the drug test for his present job. When my family was in town he hid out in his room - in the dark for 3 days, sneaking out to go to work - and wouldn't even say hello to them. Is his self-esteem so low he can't say hello to his grandfather?!

Our other child also has the disease (genetics is a big part of it) but is in AA at 22 after very unpleasant teen years for her especially.

I actually thought about calling off our wedding over 30 years ago when I realized the night before it that AHs drinking wasn't normal (why hadn't I seen it in the months before that?) Do I regret my decision to stay with him? It's no use regretting. Would you want to put your kids through that? One seems stronger for it. The jury is still out on the other. (There is still hope. At least he's still alive unlike his cousin who had pretty similar problems and ended up committing suicide at 21 - talk about heartbreak for his mother! But that's another story.)

Best wishes whatever.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I got to the point when I knew I could not carry us any longer and I had to save myself and it took a lot of planning and strength. Al-anon face to face meetings helped me lots including my sponsor and MIP after wards. I picked myself back up and dusted myself off and am feeling better than I have maybe ever. It is a hard decision and for a long time I felt guilty, my exAH said to me after 15 years you left me when I needed you most and I told him I was sorry, but I had to put myself back together again. The more I worked my Al-anon recovery program within myself, the more I knew I made the right decision for me. I now have self-esteem and take good care of myself. Take care of yourself! Sending you love and support!

michellelong · Veteran Member

Hi Sangyaa, it sounds like you have been walking a few miles in the shoes I wore a long time ago. I feel for you, I married the first AH at a young age and he sounds identical to your guy, I knew he drank alot but the heroine and cocaine came a little later down the road when I caught him in the bathroom sticking a needle between his toes...ugh! Then the police coming to my place of employment to tell me he was in the er as he over dosed! He lived.....however our 5.5 year marriage did not. He too could not hold a job and did nothing to help financially, we too had signed a lease after moving to a new state 8 hours away from my family to be near his! I threw him out and didn't look back, I'm not going to say it was not hard but I knew for my sanity it is what had to be done.
If you are the only one paying the bills it makes it easier to know you can do the same without him, I also know it may be tricky to just "throw someone out" and he may stand his ground and say he is not going anywhere.......this I know from my AH, cocaine addict # 2 whom I am still married too and has been clean for 5 weeks now. This is something only you can decide what is the best route for you.
I wish you the best in your journey to self preservation (what I like to call it). You have to come first!

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