The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ive been asked out by a member of my church thats single man,he clicked on me on my f/b and asked me,so i asked him why he chose me?,he just said he had been thinking about me for a long time,um i said yes that it would be nice to go to the beach so he is picking me up at 3p thurs,afternoon,i been very nervous he is healthy,dont drink never has,dont smoke,he has 4 kids at home his wife walked out on him 3 yrs ago.for another man and left this man to finish raiseing all 4 kids froms ages 15 on down,and she dont even visit she hasnt seen them in a year,i told him that i do not want a relationship right now or even need one,he says he didnt want a relationship either just wanted to be freinds,and then see where it went from there he says,i dont even want to see if it wil go anywheres is what im thinking in my head,he said he wanted to keep it our dateing in secrecy cause to keep our church ppl from knowing in case it didnt work out then neither one of us would get or be hurt,cause small town everybody kin in the church except me,this is scary cause of the thought of a relationship,just reallly needed to vent this cause my anxiety is getting up already,i dont know what to do,maybe ill be giveing him mixed signals by even going to the beach with him i dont know,but thats all i want or need right now.thanks for listening,feeling like im haveing some sorta relapse of some kind ,just getting out of a relationship ,one after the other,i need time out of a relationship at least a year or longer,any esh is soo welcome on all this,thanks agin hugs silent
If this is scary to you, then you need to tell him so. It's ok to be friends, but don't be swayed by his charm or his emotions. Stay true to yourself and what you want. It's wonderful to spend some time with another human(man or woman) and to just enjoy the day, but if you're not ready than you need to be very clear and set boundaries with him. If it were me, I would tell him that I need a year of my own recovery before I'm ready for any type of committed dating. And, it's not just being out of a relationship for a year, it's being in true recovery and working a program of healing and self nurturing. Please make sure he understands completely where you are coming from. You are worthy of true love and what it can bring to you, but you have to be ready emotionally and spiritually for what it can offer!
It sounds like you clearly know what you want. I would honor that.
To be honest, the keeping it secret thing would have been a red flag for me. And the sort of pressuring you to agree to the date when you told him you did not want a relationship. I admit I'm a little gun shy, but that sounded like him not respecting your boundary and that would have been another big red flag to me.
If it were me, I would not explain myself too much and just say- sorry, I can't go to the beach with you or any other date. I'm not ready. I'll let you know if that changes.
And that's that.
You may feel like you are relapsing, dear, but I think you are catching yourself. And that shows growth, so good on ya.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Just remember you always have option and decisions to make. Don't let anyone make your choices for you. What is the best thing for you and your recovery? I am sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
thanks soo much for your esh,and you know your prolly right i kinda feel like a bimbo as for me falling for that keep us in cognito,he had to really explain himself as too why,and his explanation was ...our church is very small everyones kin there somehow allthough i love my church and they all know me and him im of no kin to nobody thee,but he is to most all there,he says its best to date outside the church as in another churchof same denomination,and ppl get into your business there way too much,so i think its just best for me to call off this secret date he calls,and stick to my recovery.
i just dont understand just really why he wants to keep it a secret??is he ashamed of me,um whats his deal?or ashamed to be seen with me.why i dont know expect that there was alot of talk about me when my a ex husband slandered my self worth and reputaion all over the place.but thats been years ago
Eh, doesn't matter why. What matters is it makes you squirmy. Focus on YOU! :)
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
