Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> He relapsed
Post Info TOPIC: He relapsed
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
He relapsed
Permalink  

Well, AH drank this weekend while I was gone.  I saw the purchases on our shopper's card online.  I had checked it to look for coupons and some of the coupons that came up were for beer, so that tells me he drank.  Then, I walked the dog down to the park and saw his empties in the trash cans.  Now, they could have been anybody's empties, right, but this is his typical place to throw away his bottles so I knew most of them were his.

So, I'm ticked off.  He's going to jail this weekend for his DUI and here he his getting plastered again.  Geez, couldn't he have waited until the DUI stuff was over?  Nope, it's pretty obvious the addiction is in control.  Sigh, I honestly should have expected it but I am sick to my stomach today.  He doesn't know that I know, what good would that do, right?  It's not going to change the fact that he's going to do what he's going to do.  Now, the question is: what am I going to do?



__________________
Struggling to find me......
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

This is what made me love him no matter what. If he drank or not was none of my business. Of course he would drink or use other drugs, he is an A.

I learned to accept him as is,.learned skills to keep me ok with it all. Was good for a long time. His disease was that, his.

It was all on me to make changes for me if I wanted to glean all I could while he was sorta sane.

We accpet people as is, we allow them the integrity to make their own decisions. Just as we want that.

So can you use Al Anon skills to stay and be ok, learn to live with him as peaceful as possible?

hugs hon,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
Permalink  

All good questions, Debilyn. I honestly am not so sure anymore. I can accept the fact that he's an A, but do I want to live with it? No, nor do I want to raise my child around it. Ah's disregard for the law concerns me, too, and it tells me that his addiction is in control of his actions and I'm not sure I want to go down with the ship. I can live peacefully with him, no problem, but at what cost to me and our son?

__________________
Struggling to find me......
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:
Permalink  

It sounds as if you are coming to a kind of acceptance, strange as that sounds.  For so long I tried to argue against the power of addiction -- I just couldn't accept that it's as powerful as it is.  I kept thinking, "That's irrational!  Why would you do it?!"  I didn't realize the answer is always, "Because that's what alcoholics do."

Your sense of calm is what we're all aiming at.  Hugs.

 



__________________
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs ILD,

Awareness (freaking sucks .. you've heard me say that .. lol), because it means that I have to start looking at acceptance (it is what it is) and action (what am I going to do about me).

It does get better and easier .. boy oh boy, .. big lessons in truly giving someone else over to HP and letting go of their issues. I can't fix them.

Hugs P :)

PS - I hope you had a nice time and you were able to relax in spite of what was going on at home.

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
Permalink  

Sending you love and support!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Oksie


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 278
Date:
Permalink  

I know too well that sick in the stomach feeling.
Its horrible big time.

Sending you really big tight bear hugs (Koala bear from me hehehehehe)

It is what it is... either way... you will be OK

__________________
A work in progress, always learning
sookie


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 272
Date:
Permalink  

I SO know what you are going through...the relapses are heart wrenching and bring back a lot of baggage. I try to remind myself that my AH feels a lot worse than I do and I am grateful I do not carry the guilt nor the compulsive disorder around with me that he is holding on to. It sucks, plain and simple and yep, make us feel sick to our stomach. I also struggle with how am I supposed to raise children with this sick person. There are no right answers and time will help me figure it out. Lately, someone posted something here for me that was along the lines of, when you wonder WHY he did something the answer is simple "because he is an alcoholic"....(like a comedian's catch phrase almost--trying to be humorous helps me) I guess it has helped me be gentler on him (not saying I am *happy* with his behavior) but it also helps me forget about having expectations...because is an alcoholic.

The last few times my AH relapsed (several times lately) I also did not let him know that I clearly knew...I waited for the right time to talk about it because I do believe deep down, he is struggling and does not want to be in this situation. I waited until the right time so I was not angry and acting crazy (because I do that a lot...) and by then I could have a little compassion for him, which is what he needs most. I don't do it that well all the time, but it is easier on ME and him when i can do it that way.

It is so hard--wishing you some peace (hugs)

__________________
Just for Today...
Dolly Llama


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 284
Date:
Permalink  

You have my support. These are tough questions to answer. I had a similar dynamic in my marriage. We were much better apart than together. No matter what you decide, trust your HP and know that things will work out just the way they need to.

I was really comfortable in my marriage. What I mean is, I didn't worry about the bills being paid. I was so worried I would be living on the streets if I left. I'm not kidding. I had no savings, no family to turn to. But poverty isn't all about money. We can be impoverished in our hearts and souls. To me, that was worse than death. I made the leap when I absolutely couldn't take anymore and I am far from homeless. Even better, my soul has recovered. I feel like myself again and that is a gift that money can't buy. The fears that were keeping me in my "comfortable" marriage were unfounded.

Enjoy your time away. Maybe it will give you the perspective you need. You will get through this yucky time and whether you stay in your marriage or not, just take it one day at a time.

__________________

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
sweeetr


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 198
Date:
Permalink  

My AH seems to do similar things everytime I am out of town or he is hunting, or he can just get away with it etc.. I do still let him know I know, He does not think he has a prob. I feel by ignoring his behaviour (which is at times illegal and either way so bad for his health) I am enableing.. It does not come to fighting any more.. I refuse too attend fights... I simply let him know I know, and that when work or legal problems occur thats a boudary that wont be tolerated. Will I walk way from a disease person that refusing treatment and sick enough to bring his family done !!!Yes I flippin will !! If I had cancer and refused tretment but spent all our money or lost my job becasue i refused treatment that is offered, I would expect my family to be taken care of even if it meant walking away from me.
Sounds cold I know..but I have stuck to boundaries to the point he has slept in yard, truck whatever and I didnt lose any sleep becasue I refuse to let me child watch his father drink or drug himself to death..

__________________

 
 ..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
stephaniej


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 395
Date:
Permalink  

((HUGS)) ILD. You've gotten some great ESH here. Hang in there...

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> He relapsed