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I just got out of a 2 year off and on relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He was new to recovery and I was fresh out my marriage-a total disaster from the start, but when two ppl like us met it was magnetic (of course). I've been working in mental health for years but that didn't mean a thing when I entered this romance. Any boundaries I kept with my addict brother (deceased) or my clients were non existent with my love. I let him get away with behavior I didn't even tolerate in my marriage. I enabled him and perpetuated his addictive behavior-I see that now; however, I am left with so much confusion, resentment, hurt, fear, and anger. I have a hard time getting to meetings due to child care and meeting times in my area, but I am doing a ton of reading, journalling, and I have started step one worksheets. It was exhausting going through all the ways I tried to control and cure him as well as others in my life with addiction issues. While I see how being inconsistent, enabling, and controlling (always intended as love) I was, there are some aspects of the relationship that leave me baffled. He denies, minimizes, and blames. I just have such a hard time knowing if I am once again being manipulated. Although I participated in his life and his family he refused to participate in mine. I had to beg him for a week just to come for my family birthday party and we'd been together 6 months. He refused to let me come see him get his 1 year chip although I'd been there right beside him. Instead he invited his ex wife and then lied to me about it for another 6 months. He wouldn't tell his sponsor he was with me. He wouldn't go out and do the things I liked to do. He wouldn't come to my house (even the night I found out I was pregnant with our baby) and he certainly refused to come with me to any doctors appts. He hung out with his ex wife and refused to let she and I meet. He said he didn't feel like going out to dinner with me the night it was the 1st anniversary of my dads death, but then went out with AA friends after his meeting. He didn't seem to support my interest in wanting to go to alanon and seemed perturbed when I went to a coda meeting for the first time. I broke up with him on several occasions because he would treat me like this and I would get so sick of it. One time when I was hurt because he wouldn't come to my house to help me with something but then went to his ex's to help her and then kept it a secret he just told me he didn't understand why I was upset and that he just wanted to go watch his movie. He had texts from girls in AA that seemed they were flirting with him and texts to his ex saying she was beautiful when he wasn't texting her raunchy messages. He always seemed more worried about what other ppl thought and their feelings over mine. He could never prioritize me. He liked it when I stayed over at his house so he could do whatever he wanted and then I'd just be there for him. I cried constantly in the relationship. I was always hurt. But then, he'd go for a couple of weeks at a time and treat me like gold. Well, maybe not gold but it felt like it in comparison to the other stuff. It would never last more than 3 weeks at a time. I gave him boundless love , nurturance, care, friendship, and adoration. But he never seemed happy with me. He told me I asked for too much and that he could go weeks at a time without seeing me and be fine. He preferred to miss me over being with me. I was always confused, I still am. He fell in love within a couple of weeks with a girl in the program with him. He says she is independent and beautiful and special and "knows the rules." He says he wants to work the program with her but he never wanted me included in any part of it. He told me all the things that he is doing for her that he refused to do for me. He said that after all the mistakes he made with me he is going to be good to her and star over. He is no longer interested in me but then says he loves me and I'm special and hell always love me. I don't get it. Is he just so sick he doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship? Is he making promises to her that he can't keep the same way he did to me each time we broke up? Is she really that special that he would change himself for her and I just wasnt good enough? Was it just my disease of codependency that ruined it? His addictive behavior took me to crazy places I've never been emotionally and I'm sure it fueled his addictive behavior. Did he even love me? He said that a the things he did were due to being in recovery and that if I wouldn't have pushed so hard to have my needs met that he would have done them eventually in his own time. He said I reminded him of his father. Yikes! In the rational part of my brain I know that by enabling his bad behavior I made things worse but was it really his recovery that made him behave in this way towards me or was he really just not a nice man? I am confused and hurt and having a hard time letting go. Im so attached but to what?! Any support and feedback is greatly appreciated.
Welcome and I'm glad you've found us. I could have written your story myself. It's like I have two personalities. One says, "He did all these terrible things and I took it and asked for more -- what a horrific experience -- I can't believe I put up with that!" And the other says, "But I feel so strongly for him! If only I could be with him! If I could just explain to him clearly enough, he'd see the light and treat me well and we could be so happy..." So hard to give up on that illusion.
I think the real question for people who've been through what we have is, "Why did we stay when they began treating us so badly?" If I had a daughter who had gone through what I did, I would have advised her to run for the hills after the first episode. Why did I keep coming back for more? I think in my case it was that I was hooked into trying to turn it around, trying to get that free-flowing love that it seemed was just behind things. And partly fear, and partly a conviction that nobody better would ever come along, that that was as good as it gets.
The real answer about these people, who treat us this way, is that they are damaged. The saying is, "Hurt people hurt people." They don't know how to have a healthy relationship and they don't want to know how. They are too self-obsessed to be in something where they'd have to give as much back as they'd get. Their background and damage makes them self-obsessed. And we keep thinking we can heal them and make that love come out. And they use that thought to keep us giving and giving, hoping for the payoff.
That's my experience. Recovery has helped me see these patterns more clearly, and I hope never get caught in that quicksand again. It felt awful. I'm glad you're free of it and moving ahead. Hugs.
I am glad you found MIP and it sounds like could use some Al-anon face to face meetings. You ask a lot of questions about him and her, but the only answers worth discovering are ones about you and What are you gonna do next? I hope you choose to dive into your recovery and find a sponsor in time. I read a book " Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and well it helped me lots. Keep coming back and focusing on you! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Mattie, it is really nice to hear that I'm not the only one that got sucked into the crazy making. I just feel so alone in all this. It's hard for my friends and my family to really get it. They are right when they say to cut ties and not look back but they have difficulty understanding how the dynamics of the relationship got me to this emotional state. I had what I thought was love for him and I showered him with so much affection. I saw glimpses of the man I knew he could be, but it wasn't a man he wanted to be. He is set in his ways. He made me promises of change and at time I believe he thought he could do it for me. He could imagine himself being the kind of man to be in a giving and caring relationship but it was more of a fantasy. It's not who he really is. He kept telling me it was what he wanted and if I was patient enough it would happen. It was never going to happen. Deep down I knew that too, but I was stuck in the cycle of trying to heal him. Your post gives me some strength and I plan to read it again before I go to sleep.
Thank you
You are right, breaking free. I am still so focused on him because I've been living in relation to him for 2 years. I have read beattie's book 3 times now and use it in counseling with my clients quite often. When it comes to me practicing the change that's a different story. There is actually a meeting I can make this Friday night. It needs to be my priority. Thank you for your input.
Aloha Chaya...What I have read from your post and from the responses reminds me of a book I read just when I got into program. It wasn't program literature but it worked hand in hand with me and one of the thought/behavioral problems I had with my alcoholic/addict then wife. The title of the book was "Do I have to be different to be loved by you" or something like that. It was magical for me because I had not learned about accepting others for exactly who they where (which is also my definition for unconditional love) before that time. I didn't know about taking my own inventory yet and was soooo habitually caught up in taking the inventories of others especially my wife's. I came to learn to love the person while not accepting the behaviors and understanding the similarities between both she and I. I would judge her negatively for things I also did and often times worse. She could never get out from under my scrutiny while I was so "other" focused. One night I read a page in the Al-Anon ODAAT daily reader that said in part, "I often say that I would do anything in my power to help my alcoholic...except get off of her back" or something similar and I was mortified because that fit my behavior to a tee. I use to make her hangovers worse because of my hounding her while she had them. Why? Who she was and what she did was a reflection of me...How "all about me" that was and Alcoholics get accused of being so self centered. Al-Anon is all about getting help while keeping an open mind. Its about self focus...the other 3 fingers pointing back at me while I wag my index finger out at her. LOL that demonstration mortified me and I learned how not to point at anything after that.
Second guessing is normal for those that get driven crazy in this disease...we learn how to question our thinking, feeling, motivations and behaviors...all normal. Second guessing is a part of the learning system and it can work if I don't always come back to myself for answers. Staying humble for me is being teachable and with an open mind...any member of the program and MIP can become my teacher.
By the way I am also a former Behavioral Health Therapist who was employed both in the substance abuse and alcoholism treatment programs. I also worked in alternatives to violence. The disease doesn't care who you are or what you do or don't do for a living. It doesn't care about your physical, mental or emotional standing or how many degrees you have tacked to the wall in the open. It only cares that you keep attempting the impossible expecting different results with each attempt. It wins because we help it to win and enable it arrive at insanity with a large group of others just like us.
You will stop second guessing yourself when you practice what others are doing that works for them. That is how it worked for me and others. I'm grateful you have joined the fellowship. We will be better off for it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
He came to my work to see me today in attempt not to get me back but to keep me hanging on. In the same breath he told me he loved me and that he has every intention of staying with his new girlfriend. He leaves destruction wherever he goes and I for one am through being in its path. I told him its best to part ways. I blocked his phone number and asked his sponsor and dad to please assist him in keeping his boundaries. I too am asking my friends for support and letting them in on the dysfunction I kept hidden before. I want to close up the loopholes I used to keep open for a codependency relapse with this man. I'm heading off now to work some more on step one. Even without him I see that I need alanon to help me and my disease. I want to continue the healthy relationships I have and create new ones. I am ready for some sanity! Jerry, I can't find that book online. If you remember the title or author please let me know. I feel so much better just being here.
"Do I have to Give Up Me, To Be Loved By You" by Jordan & Margaret Paul - appears to be the book that Jerry referred to, as it is a Hazleden publication
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you so much for your share .. I had a period of time where I thought I was nuts (more so than I already know I am naturally .. lol) because of the dual messages I was continually sent.
"In the same breath he told me he loved me and that he has every intention of staying with his new girlfriend."
Holy COW .. we could be married to the same person right there .. I was constantly sent these kinds of messages and there is even an ex wife involved .. LOL .. how totally weird!
It hurts because we want to believe what we hear and what I started focusing on was his actions .. his actions were not matching his words so now I listen to actions. Words .. blah blah blah .. you gotta have action vs just the intention. I do believe he meant what he said in the moment on both accounts.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I wish I would have followed through with alanon meetings when I first went over 2 years ago! I just wasn't ready, though. Still in denial. P-your post made me smile because I'm not alone. It's so ridiculous isn't it? To separate myself from it I can see what a big sick mess he is and it is almost comical. To be entrenched in our diseases together, though, it felt like the most serious thing in the world. He kept telling me his problem was alcoholism but I just thought it was an excuse to act like a jerk. Reading all these posts and seeing the similarities I see that so much of his personality was as a result of his 15 years of drinking. I was vulnerable, naive, in denial, and trying to work through other dysfunctional relationships through my relationship with him. He was right. He does these things because he is sick. That is ver sad for him, but I just don't want it anymore. He would always say that he didn't intend to hurt me so it somehow didn't count. Well, it counted for me. I count. I matter. I'm really excited about today. I practiced a moment of mindfulness and he popped into my mind and I thought--ewww, I don't want to think about him right now. And I sat quietly and thought about me!!! Awesome.
Right there Chaya .. to be so discounted as a piece of trash (my trash was a empty plastic water bottle that got kicked out of his truck, and I thought WOW .. if that doesn't say it all right there, in his world I'm no different than the trash) is the worst feeling. Again .. I don't think that is the intention, it is such a feeling (and feelings aren't facts) boy do they hurt!!
I love the I'm sorry for everything .. well exactly what everything are we talking about? I need more of an actual amends and there is hope that some day when he gets sober (I hope so for the kids) I will get one. In the mean time I am now living my life, for me (and the kids), which means the kids get a present parent. I truly hope he gets sober for the kids .. if not .. we are all going to be ok. One day at a time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
