Today has been a whirlwind day for me and my A. It started a while ago when she moved out of the house we shared and moved in to her moms house. When she was drinking her mom was and still is her biggest enabler. Then we moved on to just casual "dating". All of these were her ideas. This whole time its been about what makes her feel better and what she thinks she needs. We havn't been able to sit in the same room for more than 20 mins together. 

Last night she had a party for her and her friends for school. I wasn't invited and didn't want to go. But boy did I suffer and boy oh boy did I let my head run wild. i found every reason to be mad at her. I thought up every possible outcome to the party except for the one that happened. NOTHING!! 

Thanks to my sponsor and my HP, today I got a clearer picture on the whole situation. I don't want to point fingers anymore or blame her for what i did wrong. I got tired of feeling like an a**hole for trying to find the real me in this mess. So today I decided that im not sure if I really want to be with her and we came to a mutual agreement that things just arent working out anymore and we split up.

She felt that by me not know what i want is my way of controling the situation. Which I relplied that Im not controling her. I am only controling my own life.

Now while I am sad that our relationship of 4 years is over, I also told her that I am open to anything. I need time to decided for myself what I want and not let her find ways to bury her guilt in the situation. I will admit that I made a lot of big mistakes in the last few months and with time I will share that with someone. But to find out who I am and what I want out of life I need to find confidence in myself and be able to find my own way and then in time we can talk about getting back together. I do truly love her and a part of me wants things to get better. But for today I am choosing to not be with her and to be in control of my life.