This is my first experience with Al-Anon.  I found that the local group meets on Tuesdays at 8:00.  So that is tomorrow.  I have been sitting here for 6 hours trying to find some answers.  My husband of 9 years recently quit drinking.  This was after another violent episode where I had to call the police.  He realized that his anger was completely out of control with his drinking, but 60 days sober, I am starting to find that he still has so much anger and it is like he resents me for his problems.  He looks at me with such hate even though he is telling me that he loves me.  He of course is not seeking any help as he believes he can do anything on his own.  He is a very smart man, PhD in environmental engineering.  Very messed up childhood, neither parent wanted him, his grandmother raised him.  He wants to blame me for everything.  He made a comment today that before me, he could handle his alcohol just fine...  Then also made a comment - I only meet one item on the checklist to determine if you have an alcohol problem.  I looked at a list and he met all of them but 1 of the list I read.  He is back to denial, back to blaming me for how awful his life is... 

I am trying to find answers, trying to find out how to deal with it all.  So I will continue to read the posts on this website and see what I can learn and how I am suppose to respond to his abusive words and behavior.  I find myself trembling when he is around, I find myself turning around when I know he is coming up behind me.  I worry that I won't wake up.  He was in our bedroom last night, I was tossing and turning, and then about 15 minutes after I had woke up, I see his image getting off the floor and walking out of the room, not saying a word.

The only good thing I can say is that he isn't screaming at me in front of the boys (ages 7 and 9).  The last arguement - where he was drinking, he was calling me the 4 letter C word in front of my boys. 

I so desperately just want to leave. I am going to go to the Al-Anon meeting tomorrow.  I am not sure what to expect, but I am truly at the end of my rope.  I wish he would leave because I find peace when he is not here, but he won't.  I don't want to leave my boys, so I stay... 

Thanks for reading.