In love with an alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

Sassy1 · Newbie

In love with an alcoholic

Sassy1 · Newbie

Thanks for your replies. I know I definitely need to do some work on myself - who doesn't? I've started reading Courage to Change and it's been helpful. I have 2 small children so I get to as many meetings as I can. I just feel so...blindsided!

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 28th of May 2012 04:28:43 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

Have you considered reading any of Melody Beattie books? I am hearing a whole lot of co-dependent issues going on in your post. I only know if I am pursuing someone who has very clearly given me a boundary and not a bad one either based upon the situation then it's time for me to slow down, stop looking at the other person and focus on myself.

Alanon would help you take the focus off of the relationship and put it back on you. I encourage you to go, .. again I'm hearing different things in your post that have very little to do with him and everything to do with you. I'm not saying you are "wrong" I'm saying your life shouldn't depend on an outside relationship. Give him some space and figure out what is going on with you that is triggering all these insecurities and reactions on your part.

Alanon has taught me that the best relationship I should have first is with my HP and myself literally in that order. He's going to call or not call, .. it's really about what are you going to do?

Keep coming back it does get better, hugs P :)

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh it all sounds so familiar and dramatic as only dealing with an alcoholic can be. It doesnt matter if they have been sober for 15 years or 15 days.

If you only feel better at meetings then go to as many as you can. Read as much as you can. This is a good time period to work your program and concentrate on what you need for your life. Im sure you have been taking care of him and only his needs for a long time. We dont have that much insight into why other people do or make the decisions they do. But what we do have is the power over our own life.

Many of us have loved or still love an alcoholic. I have been apart from the alcoholic for over 5 years and married 26 to him. I still love him and want the best for him, and whats best for me. That doesnt mean I have to participate in his life . Im done with all the drama that the disease brings. I have choices for what I want in my life, doesnt mean its perfect, not by a long shot, but it sure is a lot more liveable.

Instead of looking upon this time as a negative, look at it as a time to reflect on your life it could be the beginnings of something even better.

Just keep coming back, it works if you work it.

Luv, Bettina

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

My daughter is a sitter at the meetings I attend. So there are meetings that offer some kind of baby swatting so don't let the kid issue get in your way.

It's the journey of life that whole working on the self issues. So you are right who doesn't need to do the work .. progress not perfection.

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP. We all have work to do and fortunately Al-anon is a great program we can work on in our own time. It's about progress and not perfection. The book"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was very eye opening for me when I first found myself alone and feeling lost. I am glad you have found meetings. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Most A's in recovery or not are selfish. Is he going to AA? I am so glad you are going to meetings.

I invite you to look at this as a red flag. First time you bump heads and/or make a mistake, he is outa there.

Plus we have to look at how the kids were not even considered by the A.

It is a horrible thing! And I will tell ya, when they say they don't know, they don't. They are not the same as a non A.

You may have just escaped a very difficult relationship. I always tell people when they are telling me all the good stuff, to stop, ok now tell me what happens when you fight? When you say something you are sorry for? etc.

He has told you, he has enough on his plate that you have to be perfect and no stress to him. right.

Loss hurts horribly. Keep coming!! love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sassy...quite a post...I'm reading it and asking if you read it from standing in his shoes? I get from reading it that you did get that perspective however you used the word "but" which I learned in program negates the other story and rejustifies mine. I get to keep free from responsibility for the consequences of my behavior rather than to own it all and just come up with an amends...qualified and unwatered down. He said he loved you but....er and he didn't look you in the eyes when he said it. For me that is about control and expectations. how about accepting his take on the situation and calling your sponsor? He might have called his and got the direction to detach from the problem. Might have...don't know. The "and" word instead of the "but" word allows both perspectives to be valid. It is about acknowledging and respecting that there are other angles at looking at the picture other than just mine. I get to learn and grow and I get to make the amends.

I know what he felt and is going thru...I've been there and done that and at times currently do that again. The do part is detach and I don't get an apology or amends after I get the drama and crises act. -And- I have learned not to wait for it or expect it. He didn't "just" do anything...he was motivated. Go over your part in it and drop the expectation that others should handle it like you think they should.

I've always learned from my inventories...always and have always been better off from it. Let go and Let God have it now. (((hugs))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.