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Hi everyone, I've been checking the board very infrequently as I've had major stuff going on. I think I told u all in feb my AH had a OD on Chrystal meth. Said he'd only done it a few times didn't know it was so powerful, it almost killed him, not gonna do that again.. Bla bla.. Well I went against my better judgement and moved myself and kids to be with him in another state where he was working a new job. All family members on both sides telling me he doesn't do well on his own I should move there ASAP. I didn't feel food about it as we weren't getting along well anyway and don't trust him. He's very secretive and hard to reach on the phone. As soon as I moved I finally found the password to the phone account that he'd been trying to hide from me for 9 months. I called one of the numbers that's on there a lot, a girls number. He says he doesn't know anyone by that name and that's the number he was calling is second cousin on.. Then didn't come home from work and stayed MiA all weekend, bought brand new car that we can't afford without talking to me, lied about where he was. He do the same missing all weekend thing on another weekend. I was only there 3 weeks and took off with my children an what I could pack on my truck and went back to my home in another state. That three weeks was the most stressful time of my life. I am now 20 pounds under weight, I felt I had to leave to save my life basically!! It was so disturbing being around him because he was not himself and most likely still using because of all his crazy behavior. Also after about a month all the prices came together that he Is seeing this girl. Going to file for divorce this week. It's been a lot of drama, more than I can really write down for you All. One thing I wanted to say is I remember sitting in my alanon meetings and feeling like I would never be free I this situation of being wih an addict, an now i will be! I wonder if this is the outcome for most of us? I know it was too hard on me physically and my body couldn't take it and I really could have died had I stayed. The stress made it so hard to eat. Anyway, my kids and I are going to be ok. It's sad, and I hope one day he gets clean nd I get an apology, truly heartfelt and that he realizes what he did. It's sad but maybe my life will be a whole lot better without him.
Welcome back Greener...No doubt this is a fatal disease and it has no prejudice on who dies...the user or the enabler. For me the first solution was to get into and continue to practice and then stay within the program. A friend of mine identifies herself with "my only problem is me and my only solution is God". I don't question why other people do what they do or don't do what they do...that isn't my concern I have learned. My concern is why I do what I do or don't. The program has taught me to slow down and not react and to take the time I need to lead and live my life away from those choices which could end it prematurely and to be of use to others in the process. You had a close one...20lbs under weight adds soooo much stress to the mind, body, spirit and emotions. Welcome back and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry. I was reacting. But I feel HP was telling me in every cell of my being to LEAVE! Get out now! And I'm so glad I did. I was praying only for his will during those weeks. My husband had checked out. He was not in his body. And the fear of being around him was too much. I saw two doctors about my weight and also asked them about Chrystal meth and they said people just don't quit on their own. I wish I had seen a counselor before and could have made a better choice like not moving in the first place. But in of my alanon friends said "you had to know you did everything in your power to make it work before you could let him go". I believed him sort of that he wasn't doing it anymore, but in my soul I knew things were still not right, many red flags. This is a major lesson to me to not ignore my gut instincts. When people were telling me to move with him, I thought, " that's the exact opposite of what I would tell my daughter!!". I should have treated myself the way I would have treated my daughter and said, no you don't have to put up with it. The meth OD is enough to say goodbye. It was a HUGE red flag!! But I didn't know what else to do. I guess I wasn't ready to divorce and was scared. Now I'm putting my trust in God and i know he's going to take care of us, he already has so much!!
I really really really encourage you to take some REALLY deep breaths. I can completely relate to almost everything in your original post except the OD issue .. mine was the DUI.
My spouse left in January and I did the foot work to a divorce during that time. You can look things up online however talking to a local attorney is going to benefit you best. Lawyers know the best way to apply the law. I don't know if you plan on using an attorney .. if kids are involved as well as the issues you are talking about I think this is my honest opinion .. an attorney is the way to go. I had to have an attorney.
Something I discovered for me was having a list of questions, knowing what I wanted, I even talked to other people who had been through a divorce to find out what they asked for, what did they wish they had asked for and so on. I couldn't have done that if I had done a knee jerk reaction (not saying you are saying that is me). Don't spend your time in the office crying .. mark my words there is NO kleenex in those offices. The time is ticking and lawyers are not counselors they don't care why the marriage broke down and how you feel about it. They want to know what do you want out of the divorce. I also encourage you to go directly to an alanon meeting and get some face to face support from the folks there you need to take care of yourself!! The kids are so important and you taking care of you makes it soooo much better for them.
Which brings me to the next thing I found out this was from my counselor and my sponsor .. my kids will react to ME. How am I doing? If I am distressed crying all of the time it's going to scare the heck out of them. This does not mean I stuff and don't cry .. I pick and choose my times, I call my sponsor, I have a therapy appointment .. hit a meeting, SOMETHING .. I try and find my outlets in other ways. As a single parent I do not have the luxury to curl up in a ball and not keep moving forward regardless of the pain I'm in, .. the kids need me and it's actually been healing for me on many levels. All of my actions are based upon is this is MY best interests and how will effect the kids. That pain gets to be less and less, .. I am sure at some point tears are going to flow again over this issue .. you know what .. it's ok .. I'm going to be ok.
This is my ESH .. I don't share really well that way .. LOL .. program talk .. comes and goes ... I know it all sounds advicish .. and I don't mean it that way .. what I will tell you is I am doing really well. My kids are doing really well as a result. They are setting their own boundaries with their dad. They feel loved and safe. As long as they feel loved and safe they are really going to be ok, .. just like me. It's been 120 days and MUCH has changed, I can't go into how much just say I feel very very good and strong about all of my choices. For me I am right where I need to be in the process and in the healing. I have def changed my approach to dealing with the drama my AH is continually trying to force upon me. I have changed how I handle the kids. I have just changed across the board and I have no regrets.
I'm not sitting here saying he's all wrong and I'm all right either .. I had my own part in this whole mess. That is for me to workout with the steps and my sponsor. I am trying to avoid finger pointing because it's just one of those deals it does me no good. At this point it doesn't even matter the end result is the end result at this point and the story is not done. I am extremely proud of the way I have conducted myself I'm not perfect however boy oh boy, .. have I made progress I like myself better now than I have in a really long time.
Alanon is going to continue to be a big part of my life and so is AA if nothing else because I did not pick my AH by accident .. I know I do not want to go down that road again. It breaks my heart that my AH is choosing this path and how bad in the end it will be for him. I just know if nothing changes then nothing changes .. I deserve sooo much more and better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have def changed my approach to dealing with the drama my AH is continually trying to force upon me..... ------------------------------------------------------- Listen to her words, Greener. That is why we go to AlAnon. Pushka, that is right on! My AH is always trying to push his drama on me. And he doesn't take it well when I turn around and walk away.... this is even after he has been in AA for 12 years. That is why I go to AlAnon. To change my approach to his drama. It is his, not mine.
