The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where do I belong, here in Al-Anon, in AA, or both?I know this is a question that only I can answer, but I really am struggling with it.
My father was an alcoholic.He passed away on Christmas day.I know I want Al-Anon just based on this fact alone.It turns out, my wife is an alcoholic.She entered detox/rehab on May 9th.I was caught completely off guard by this, but again I want Al-Anon for this.I need to come to a new/different understanding of the alcoholic.
I have been a beer drinker for 20+ years.Early on I would have a beer or two.Or I would have none.It was also just as possible that I would have 6 or more.I went along that way for many years.7 years ago we adopted a very emotionally troubled little boy.At that point I started drinking more and more often.The first few years were OK but as time progressed, so did my drinking until I reached a point of having 5 or more nearly every day.Clearly, I had lost some responsibility. I believe I was hiding from the pain and frustration of being a first time father to a 5 year old with more emotional trauma than I thought any one person should have to have.
But see, here is where I perhaps start to justify, or something...On May 21st I took my last drink, at least, my last drink of real beer.Since then I have been drinking non-alcoholic beers.There has been only one time that I even sort of wanted a real beer, and that was again falling back on my want to hide from pain and anxiety (this time it was related to missing my wife terribly).I re-realized that that is not a healthy path, and that I must embrace the pain and frustrations of life on a new level.
I know none of you can answer the question for me.Am I an alcoholic?I don't know.The "definition" I read in the AA Big Book of a real alcoholic (pg 21) makes me believe that I most definitely am not.However, there is a span of several years where I am forced to admit that I lost "control" of my drinking.Does that make me an alcoholic? Does the whole picture?Am I just hiding from it because I don't want the label?Truly, I do not know.
I never considered myself an alcoholic because I thought what I did was normal teenage stuff. So I just stopped using drugs and alcohol all together. Then, I realized that I don't relate to "war stories" I realized I related to how I hate me, and that alcoholics hate themselves too. No one can decide for you. But maybe you try reading the aa message board, you can get there from the same parent site as this, going to aa meetings or reading a vision for you.... A chapter in the big book. This may help you decide.
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We will change when the pain of where we are exceeds the fear of where were going
I am sure there is a link somewhere to the questions of are you an alcoholic situation. Only you can answer if you are an alcoholic or not, what I have focused on what happens when the drinking occurs, has the law ever been involved (for any reason, dui's, arrests for public intoxication, domestic violence with alcohol involved), is the drinking causing financial hardships, is the drinking causing issues in relationships, work, and so on. If someone only drinks once a year and every time they drink there is something that happens that I have mentioned .. then guess what .. they probably need to address some other issues that includes alcoholism. I was told even 1 DUI puts someone at a higher risk. You don't have to loose everything to be a high risk person as far as alcohol addiction. Something you have to ask yourself is what would it take for you to totally stop drinking what do you have to loose for that to happen.
BTW .. non-alcoholic beer has alcohol in it .. you still have to be 21 to buy it. This is MY opinion you haven't stopped drinking .. not really.
Alanon is a group where you only need to know someone to qualify, good friend, spouse, parent, sibling and so on. So absolutely wife, dad .. you qualify for alanon, in addressing those issues it may help you figure out if you need to go to AA as well. There are many people who qualify as a "double winner" meaning they qualify for both programs and I think if more addicts were really honest they would look and say hmm .. maybe I need to address both issues because while the programs are similar they do address different issues.
Welcome to the boards and I hope you will keep coming back as well as venture to an Alanon meeting. There are open AA meetings as well meaning you don't have to go in and say Hi I'm an alcoholic. I attend those as well as a non alcoholic, I do that because it helps me have a greater understanding as well as compassion for my AH. It helps me with my own alanon program as well. I've looked at my own drinking because of it. I have never had a DUI or brushes with the law, however I've done the black out thing, I've done the let's numb out because I don't want to deal with things. I was much younger. I haven't come up with an answer on that .. I'm just continuing to learn about myself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you both for your honest replies. I have been to one Al-Anon meeting and I will continue to go to it, and hopefully another. I know N/A has alcohol in it, and frankly I am bummed that I have yet to find a truly alcohol free beer.
As I continue to look at myself I will find more answers. I know I need to squash the amount of beer that I was drinking (I never really cared for any other alcohol). As I was just outside having a smoke I took an inventory of what I drank today... 12-cup pot of coffee, 12 bottles of water, 3 N/A beers, and a 2 quart pitcher of iced tea. I just drink a lot. It kind of doesn't matter what it is.
My plan for my drinking right now? See if I can find a truly N/A beer. If not quit completely for one calendar year and then see what I think. In the mean time I will continue going to Al-Anon, and attempt to learn how to deal with my issues that cause me to feel a need to drink. As I continue to learn and begin recovery that plan may change to include AA.
I posted this on FaceBook on 05-26-12 as a status.
Life poses its challenges to us all. We can choose to learn from and deal with the challenges, or hide in a dark hole where we think we are safe. I'm learning to build a ladder to climb out of said hole.
I just read this in the AA Big Book page 316 My Chance to Live
...What happened was, i found myself at the bottom of the canyon thinking I'd never see the sun again. A.A. didn't pull me out of that hole. It did give me the tools to construct a ladder, with Twelve Steps.
Hello Matt - I keep coming back to this post and your question; I answer it, or start to, and decide I don't have a good answer for you - but maybe that is because, as you said, no one can answer it for you. In my case, I had to get to a place where I could discern if I was or wasn't and in the meantime, I used what I learned in Al-anon to bring my life back to peace. I put the question of whether or not I had a drinking problem on a shelf and worked on other things that would restore my sanity.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Sometimes I think people get hung up on being defined as an alcoholic or not...if you can't decide...here's some questions to consider...
after 5 beers, if there was an emergency, could you safely respond? (my niece was once very hurt in an accident at home, and my SIL was too drunk to get her to the hospital)
is your drinking consistent with the kind of life you want for yourself? if your child or others in your life need you emotionally, does drinking make you emotionally unavailable to them?
My exA and I had financial issues..and beer costs alot...so what could you do with that money instead of drinking it? (maybe money isn't an issue in your life)
The fact that you are willing to look at your behavior, and be willing to consider these tough questions...well..KUDOS!
If you are in a relationship with an A, then you are welcome here. Keep coming back!
-- Edited by rehprof on Monday 28th of May 2012 07:17:44 AM
Aloha Matt and welcome to the board. I am a "double"...a member of Al-Anon and a member of AA. I wasn't alcoholic when I got into Al-Anon. I was married to my third highly addicted woman. she was my second wife. My family told me NOT TO bring the second one home. LOL soooo funny and 6 months later I was married to an alcoholic/addict they approved of...I could almost wet my pants thinking about that now. We were insane!! Anyhow I get into Al-Anon and before I do I stop drinking. My family told me I didn't have a problem because I could drink forever and always take care of their business before I crawled into my own bed. My friends use to just say WOW!! and my alcoholic/addict wife had a wish..."I wish I could drink like you do". It was a real wish and I didn't think much about it because I rarely ever went down when I drank (alot). So anyways here I am in Al-Anon for 9 years with out a drink and I'm a behavioral health counselor in a major west coast rehab and I help a new patient do an assessment just before he goes into inpatient treatment. When were done and I lead him to the door and then to the ambulance I turn back to my desk and low and behold my HP is in my office and has been monitoring the goings on. HP asks me, "So what qualifies him for inpatient treatment and not you". I was gonna offer that I had been alcohol free for 9 years and then I know what the real question was..."You gonna do your own assessment or not"? So I pulled out an empty form...filled it out anonymously...and with new awareness and took it down to the adult section of the rehab to the intake nurse. She came into Al-Anon a week after I did and we knew each other well. I told her I'd wait for the review and sat out in the hallway. 15 minutes later she comes out to me and tells me that "whoever belongs to this assessment needs to be in inpatient therapy immediately or the next time they drink they die". I took my time with the assessment and was very open with myself...it included 3 toxic shocks...alcohol overdoses that to me since I survived them caused me to believe that "I didn't have a problem". I broke my anonymity with her and she told me I knew what I had to do and that Friday I went to my first for real for me AA meeting and when I sat in the corner, in the dark (just how I used to drink) and they came around to me to identify...they held up the meeting till I did...sat in silence until I could get the word out..."My name is Jerry F and I am alcoholic". They all knew me from rehabbing and they all loved me enough to let me self identify.
What my HP did for me was to get to me before the chance of a relapse did and it worked. I am forever grateful and it ain't no big deal. I have a life threatening disease and a solution to it.
My first miracle in recovery came from the ending of our face to face meetings in Al-Anon. You'll hear..."If you keep and open mind...you will find help". Sounds like yours is open and you can listen to others and reach out for help. Follow thru on it and you will find help. Trust the fellowship and the HP who brought you to the fellowship...watch you wife display open mindedness and courage and see when you can recognize HP holding up the lantern just before her next step. I never thought my alcoholic/addict wife would get sober and clean before she died. She was sober and clean the last time I saw her and very much alive. She is my living metaphor for humility and courage...that's just the way HP works it with me. There I no doubts that I have which are bigger than discovery as long as I keep open minded, humble (teachable) and willing to keep coming back.
The alcohol is the mind and mood altering chemical...the "ism" is the habit. ((((hugs))))
We all find coping mechanisms for dealing with the As in our lives. Mine WAS drinking. I would numb myself a few times a week just to let her snide remarks and shots at my character be deflected more easily. Never had any legal, financial, or kid issues as a result. Could have had affairs, played video games, surfed porn, or a variety of other things....I chose to drink. Bad choice because it further deepened the black hole I was living in.
The help I've found in Alanon is 1) Live life one day at a time and 2) Turn things over to HP. These have lifted a huge weight off of me. Don't plan the next year and try to solve all your own problems -- THIS WAS ME FOR SURE!!! Think about what you can do today and how your HP can help you get that accomplished.
