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IThanks for your kindness in my original post. I think I am going to try my first meeting this week.
I really dont feel well. Every second is a struggle. I read of people feeling relieved and free, and I dont feel that at all. My body is a mess. I dont sleep well. I either cant sleep, or I wake up drenched in sweat. Im constantly a nano second away from tears at all times. Today at work, I walked by a spot where he would hug me. He was always so happy to see me. I wanted to fall onto the floor, and curl up in a ball. I just hid and cried. Went to the store, and felt almost physically assaulted by seeing things he would have enjoyed. I cant eat very well. A friend told me today I had lost weight. Which is probably fine because I think I gained sympathy weight with him. I miss him. Im still in love with him. Dealing with the reality of his disease and the bleakness of possible recovery is excrutiating. I dont have the luxury of knowing that I left because I just didnt like him anymore. It feels like he died, only he is still here. I feel guilt that I have abandoned someone I love when he is just really sick. I was abandoned. I know how it feels. Now I am doing it to someone else? Ugh! Then again, I also feel angry because he is out there living it up with his buddies or numbing it out and not feeling anything. Then there is the anxiety of what he is doing just that, and he kills himself doing it? I could never live with myself. So many emotions and bodily reactions, and no one to really talk to right now. My kids are going to their dads for a few weeks, so maybe I can recupperate some. I will have to be strong. I will be very alone. Im not good at alone. I know I saved myself, but ai just want it all to make sense. I just want to know he understands why and doesnt hate me for it. Thank you for letting me talk.
Hugs. At the meeting there will be people who can be there for you -- who are healthy enough to be present for someone. Alcoholics are not health enough. It may feel like we're abandoning them, but they left us for the alcohol long ago.
(If the first meeting doesn't feel like a good fit, try a different one the next day. They say to try six because they're all different. I hope you won't do as I did, find the first meeting boring and unhelpful, and wait years to go back and find a good meeting. There's nothing more supportive than the right group of people.)
I too was hit with that feeling of howling emptiness when I separated from that person I loved. It took me a while to understand it. My parents never knew how to be good parents -- they tried, but they just didn't have the emotional health to be there for a little kid. And I always knew it. I latched onto my ex like a two-year-old latching on to her mother. Without him, I felt like that kid left by the roadside. I felt like I was going to die from the pain. It turns out that nature puts that feeling there so that, as little kids, we won't lose sight of our mothers. Out on the plains in ancient times, being separated from our mothers meant being eaten by lions. So that feeling like we're going to die was put there for a good reason. But the thing is that now we're adults and no lions are going to eat us. That feeling isn't real. F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. Nothing bad will happen to us if the ex isn't around. In fact, we are opening the door for all kinds of good things to happen. But we do have to open that door. You've started to open it by posting and by looking into meetings. Many people also find the book Copdependent No More very helpful.
I read a ton of stuff when this happened to me. I learned more about myself than I had in the previous five years. Just as the alcoholic has to hit bottom, this is the bottom we hit -- and then our lives turn around.
It really does get better, get yourself to that meeting it will help. What Mattie said .. is sooo true. There will be people at the meetings who can help you through. It's a very safe place to go and cry and let it all out. My problems weren't solved after one meeting, I did walk away feeling better. I walked in with a train of pain and left the caboose. :)
Each meeting left me feeling stronger and more able to cope with life.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha CDK...welcome back to the family and thanks for your share cause it helps us who have made changes understand how necessary those changes were and are...how important the program was no matter how long it took us to find our seat and sit down and just listen to those who came to understand and were waiting for us to come in and then share the message with us. I never had to suffer or be afraid. I never had to give my life up or put it on hold because some one else wasn't living their life for me or taking out time to affirm me and my goodness especially someone who's whole life was fixated and addicted to a mind and mood and physical altering chemical. Learn as much as you can about alcohol and alcoholism and it will surprise you greatly. Alcoholism is a fatal disease...nother words it kills people both the drinker and non-drinker. It kills the mind, body, spirit and emotions...read your post again as if you were someone else...one of us and then ask yourself what is happening to the writer because of someone elses choices. It almost killed me and like you did that process painfully and slowly.
I looked around and discovered that I didn't get a message or letter from God stating that I was supposed to give up my life because someone didn't want to live their according to my beliefs or spend theirs proving mine had value. My life is my responsibility and how it turns out is the proof of how I choose to live it.
Keep coming back here with us. Read the suggestions of the elders and follow thru to the best of your ability. Let him go...turn him over to a power greater than CDK and ask that power to take care of you and guide your journey.
We are here for you as the meeting rooms are also...you are not alone; never was and never will be you will be free of the fear when you are ready. (((((hugs)))))
for me, the grief would come in waves...and some of them would just knock me to my knees...I learned to hold on to the times between the waves...and that time got so it extended a little each day...it will come...right now you are just in a tsunami of grief..but you CAN weather it...you can.
buy stock in kleenex, too...I must have gone through a box a day for a while..
you aren't crazy you know, you are grieving, and this is what it feels like...you've gotten through other hard times, right? this might be the hardest so far, but you have the strength..HP is pulling for you too.
Thank you again. So much wisdom here, impossible for me to respond to it all thoroughly. It helps so much. I have to say, I found the idea of this being rock bottom for a relief. That means to me that I can go up, instead of falling. And I also like the idea of letting go, and letting a force stronger than me take care of him. Lord knows, I tried and couldnt. I layed down to sleep a bit agi. I didnt formally dump him, so...if there is a night that I hear from him, its usually a Sunday. He still has a key to my house. I dont have the strength to face him. I bought new locks a week ago, but havent put them in. Thinking Im just being over dramatic, and knowing that I probably have some drama addiction. But, dangit, I cant sleep knowing he is out there drinking and can get into my house. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. I just changed them. Overkill? Maybe. But no one has to know, and I didnt hurt anybody. And Im proud that I managed to do the task. Sounds silly, but I think its a good thing. Thefe was a time thatai wouldve not even tried because my self esteem sucked so bad. I have been reading Melody Beattie book for the past year, and I think its a big part of why I made the decision to walk and work in myself. I km.ow I am sick. I want to get better. Thanks again. Love and light sorry for the typos. Im on the phone, and the curser jerks around.
You are NOT being overly dramatic about the locks. GOOD FOR YOU on changing them yourself!!!
It makes me sad to think I felt I even needed to go that far however the reality is I did .. I needed to, and I slept better, felt like I could leave the house, I felt I did not jump every single time I heard something rustle outside. So my humble opinion feeling safe def outweighs any thought of over dramatic issues. Personally I did not want a confrontation of him inside the house .. that would have been bad for both of us.
Have you made it to a meeting during this stressful time .. it really does make a difference.
Sending you lots of love and support, it gets better one day at a time, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Im gonna try to go to a meeting tonight. I hope they arent closed for the holiday. Im struggling with "am I crazy?" and "am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?" today. Denial, I guess. Ive been in bed all day mostly. I cant believe its 6 already.
I've been to meetings on Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve .. so unless it's announced there is a meeting. Something I would do though is you should be able to call the local alanon hotline and ask them if the meeting is still scheduled. If not you can spend some time talking to that person who is on the other end of the phone that makes a BIG difference.
What you are going through is perfectly normal after the trauma (ending a relationship is traumatic) you have been through. I will tell you and I'm going to should you on this one (we aren't suppose to should all over people .. lol :)), .. you really need to take care of yourself. For me getting up and moving is a have to, not an option. Yes, it's hard however getting up and facing the world like it or not that sun kept coming around the next day .. it meant as much pain as I have been in it wasn't always going to be this way. This to shall pass, .. that is a very true statement. There are days that you can only take min by min because an hour or for that matter 24 hours feels like an eternity.
Keep coming back here, reading and know you are not alone.
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
