The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really am coming to think that the boundary stuff is so so crucial but its also a way to forgive yourself for being with the A in the first place. If you have no boundaries it isn't your fault. We are supposed to learn them in childhood. Some of us didn't do that.
Now that I am so aware of boundaries I am really aware of how irritating it is to be around people who don't have any (like my former roommates).
I also understand until someone is willing they are not going to get them. My idealized relationship in the past was a really rushed, very urgent, very quick view. I was that needy that I pushed it along really fast.
Now my idea of a relationship is really really slow. I observe, I watch, I reflect. But most of all I wait. In the past with my abandonment issues and no boundaries there was no waiting there was one day no relationship next day absolutely committed for life. What is that if not a recipe for a total disaster.
I had to be ready to learn boundaries. Before my life was pretty preoccupied. When I think the stuff the ex A pulled on me all the time, like crashing into my bossees car, bringing people over to be in the backyard for months on end I am aware that would drive anyone to real anxiety. Now I would not have that kind of relationship but I have to accept that is all I could do then. Its not easy to put down the bat and stop beaing myself to a pulp.
Yes, its what I needed also. As I am struggling with enforcing boundaries.
I am feeling controlling. My husband is completely closing me off because I went to my first Al-anon meeting last Monday. I told him it was for me and I was very calm in explaining to him that I need to continue going. I have told him that I will not go to a party this weekend if he will be drinking. I also told him that I no longer wanting him drinking in the house (he drinks when kids and I go to bed)He is ice cold to me now. I am feeling like well, maybe its ok if he drinks on the weekends, i mean who is he bothering? I'm trying to be strong but my kids are feeling this and whats worse? Him continuing to drink 3-4 nights a week or him shutting off and speaking to me through the kids.
I am really struggling with this decision. Talk about not being taught boundaries as a kid!
That "Ice" thing you speak of, Forge Ahead, is something my A did before she truly admitted she was an alcoholic. Honestly, I wasn't even sure she was a true alcoholic before she resisted my request that we not drink when we're mad at each other. She iced me for days after I brought that up. That ice was her wall because she never learned how to COPE with emotions, just as we never learned how to set boundaries. Eventually, because I maintained my path (somehow by the grace of the Creator). Stay strong. Stay on your path!
Thanks for sharing,, Orchidlover. This is a topic I need to keep fresh in my mind, as do we all.
__________________
"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
I used to put up with a lot of crap. One of the most pathetic things I recall witnessing was whhen my ex-A decided that the world owed him so he put 2 pictures of his neices up on a poster board and wrote that that he was a starving single father and went out begging on the street and was all proud of how much money he made from that. He did this instead of going back to work from the FMLA he was on due to his high blood pressure caused by smoking and drinking. That along with crashing cars and passing out so hard he smashed his face in public several times.
I guess I knew it wasn't normal, but my mom raised me this belief that you "work on problems" in your relationships at all costs. I failed to realize that her and my dad never had these kinds of problems. Sometimes it is better to cut the strings. I look back and cannot believe that I let it become the norm to have utilities cut off, to have someone forging checks to themselves out of my check book -
I didn't know I deserved better. It took some time to think and believe different.
Pinkchip wrote, "my mom raised me this belief that you "work on problems" in your relationships at all costs"
I had the same belief.
Once I asked my mother-in-law, who is a very traditional Christian, Midwestern woman, "I know marriage is sometimes hard...but is it supposed to be *this* hard?"
She said NO.
Talk about validation.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Thank you little hawk! I 100% agree, my husband has a hard time coping with his emotions and I with Boundaries. I set one today although, and stuck with it. My husband and I had a talk before we left for a party today. I told him that again I do not want to go if he is planning on drinking. As it turned out, my 17 year old was having his girlfriend over tonight so I thought I could drive separately to the party because I would need to be home sooner. so, I told my husband that I will go to the party but I don't want to stay if he drinks. I stayed at the party for 2 hours and he hadn't had a drink by the time I had to leave. I think he actually respected my boundaries. Problem is I find myself still wondering if he started drinking once I left. Can't help myself!
Forge Ahead: Part of our disease is trying to control the alcoholic's behavior. I did not, at first, understand this concept. I thought I was not controlling but rather caring about my A. However, after a lot of reading (on here and other online forums), and attending meetings where I actually spoke and received feedback, I starting to see. I definitely don't have all the answers, but i can try to explain what my new understanding is.
Step number one about setting boundaries: they are not ultimatums. I didn't see the difference before... there is a fine line. Boundaries are a protective set of rules that are put in place by you to protect you. Not control another's actions.
Step two: Boundaries are barriers, but they mean nothing if there are no consequences for crossing them. (This was my issue. I told myself I was too forgiving... but really, I was bluffing on some of those and thus trying to use them to control the actions of my A).
Example... "If you drink at that party, I will leave you." "I am not comfortable with being around you when you drink. If I feel this way, I am going to go home." You will drive yourself crazy wondering what happens when you're not around. His actions are totally up to him. Your comfort and peace of mind are your job. I am right there with you, on worry mode when I fear triggers are going to set off my A. Changing my behavior is really helping the both of us. But only because she is also trying. She is trying because I am happy and not nagging and worrying. I am becoming the person she fell in love with again. One action creates a ripple. Make it a positive one!
(Thus concludes my book! haha!)
__________________
"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
I'm very new to all of this. My A just got out of treatment and I'm confused although making some progress. My coping mechanism to escape from her alcoholism was to stop at the bar and have 3-4 beers a few times a week. Okay, I know how stupid that is when you are married to an A but it's what I did. The 30 days she was gone were some of the best of my life and my kids lives. The boundary thing is certainly a weakness of mine. I say things and don't follow through or just "put up" with things for the sake of the marriage and children. I've now figured out that those "sacrifices" I thought I was making for the better were actually KILLING me!!! I don't even know who I am any more, have no friends, no hobbies, no marriage, nothing!!! I let this disease steal my life.
However, I'm attending Al-Anon meetings, reading many books, and have a great relationship with my HP. My life has gotten better. But, back to boundaries.....what do I do when she asks me to go to dinner (which will include a couple drinks for her) or she asks me to go out to just have a couple of drinks? If I feel like a beer or two should I set a boundary that I will not drink with her?? This is probably a stupid question, but I'm still "sick" and trying to sort out the best way to address various situations now that my A is home and back to causing chaos in my life.
Thank you for listening and any advice you can provide to a newbie.
Thanks for the post Sometimes I forget what things are caused by lack of boundaries. The things that have happened to me in the past, some of that is because of lack of boundaries, particularly about the being with a person for a short time and I am commited for life.. that i ssooooo me.
I have to learn how to put boundaries in place without being cranky I think. I don't seem to be able to have fair warning a boundary is crossed, then I get cranky wtih myslef, then I get cranky at others, then I realise that it was bit of a silly boundary anyway.. and it just goes on.... I would lke my boundaries to be found out of feeling safe about me, as opposed to fear based
I definitely have the crankiness issue. I've set a boundary at my part time job and boy am I cranky about it! I hadn't even thought about it that way.
I do think environment is a huge deal. Setting boundaries in the house I used to live in was like waving a red flag. They were all boundaryless and so so furious that I had some. That wasn't exactly the place to try them out. I also work in a place that is totally enmeshed to say the least really an ACA haven, favorites, mascots, totally enabling behavior all round. I have to remember its not up to me to fix them but it is up to me to decide if I can stand being around it!
I recently had a chance to talk to a neighbor (who is newly sober) about boundaries. I could see the cogs waving in his brain as I spoke about my own struggle. I am not going to push it. I think what people need to see is someone who they want to imitate and sometimes I don't think I'm good at that. So I'm going to let it go normally I would be trying to give him books, advise and more. He has lots of boundary issues but these days for once they are not my business.
bleh i hate the boundary stuff. i mean i love it, as a theory.. like algebra.. keep studying it, never understand it.
I have no boundaries with people close to me. i mean every once in a while i might say something, but not on a regular basis. Especially with my A. When she invites me somewhere i "know" its because she wants me to do something. shes doing some work on a house and invited me over for a snack, but i know if i go over there ill end up working. for hours and hours. and i dont know how to say no. Its completely infuriating. i know i need to forgive myself and begin to learn... internally its such a struggle.
I am right there with you, on worry mode when I fear triggers are going to set off my A. Changing my behavior is really helping the both of us. But only because she is also trying. She is trying because I am happy and not nagging and worrying. I am becoming the person she fell in love with again. One action creates a ripple. Make it a positive one!