The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me, the drama was only over when I ended the relationship.
At first I felt very peaceful. A boost of calm.
Then came anxiety, insomnia, fear, sense of urgency to get some affairs in order.
Really worked my program hard at this stage, visited my doctor for temp sleep aid (which didn't help), ate Tums like crazy, worked out ideas and plans through talking to friends. I realized that taking care of myself was a new thing and this was what I was really anxious about. Being drama-less was weird! So I was very gentle with myself, lots of positive self talk (so important), reminding myself of past successes, yes I am capable, I can do this, lots of focusing on and visualizing my happy future, EMDR therapy, healthy food and exercise.
Once my life had settled down a bit logistically, I spent about a week sleeping. Then, the peace and serenity I initially felt returned tenfold. Haven't had a bout of anxiety since. :)
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Saturday 26th of May 2012 06:11:12 PM
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Saturday 26th of May 2012 06:11:37 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I'm curious about your experience with how you felt/what you did after the extreme drama of an A/exA/exRA etc..was put to rest [ hopefully!!! ] My version, I alternate between go-get-um and brain mush, with probably too much self criticism thrown in.
fyi right now my dog and I are safe and sound in another town after my exRA was delivered a massive restraining order. We're fine but I'm of several minds - part of me can't believe I've become "that person" with a crazy ex, maybe I've exaggerated everything, part of me wants to laze around in pajamas and do nothing for a long time, part of me wants to dive into life and not indulge in any more lazy self reflection. Of course all of me wants a road map of what the "right" way to live is, which will never exist!
Home next week, a little nervous as the exRA sublet a place on my street 1050 yards away. I hope he stays away and leaves me in peace!!!
Peace to all of you, too. Hope you're enjoying the long weekend!
I would get emotionally and physically wiped out for awhile and then come back ready to fight and move around the spectrum from feeling paralyzed to a victim to spitting mad . It seems to be a part of the process after the disbelief fades away for me. I am glad you are taking care of you. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
For me this PTSD from the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction demanded meetings and a great sponsor and fellowship. I had all of that and never did anything perfect and as a result came out of the woods in one piece and saner then I went in. I had lots of options just like you do. Choose the consequence you want and then choose the option. In support (((((hugs)))))
I find I have to be aware that I can create drama where no drama is needed as well. So I have to be responsible for my own choices just like Jerry said .. which I love .. choose the consequence you want and then choose the option.
I have slowed down a LOT in reacting to situations and really focus on what is best for me. I do NOT have to answer any one situation right that second unless my children or myself is in danger. Different .. I can still take a breath and calm myself before acting. It is soooo much better to act on what I need to do vs react to what I THINK I need to do.
The other truth is and I find this completely across the board is I do not need to help anyone show their hinney .. they can do that all on their own without any help from me. When Mr Crazy Pants comes to town drags his butt all over my yard and wonders why there are rocks in his crack .. believe me .. who winds up looking like they are crazy?? NOT me .. and that's where I can look back and say .. ok .. I didn't have to do anything in that situation for him to wind up with egg all over his face and rocks in his crack. I am not happy about it .. however I know I did not contribute to the situation as far as cause more drama than necessary he does that on his own.
The other thing I'm learning to do is pray for him. That is not an easy task to want to do let alone put into practice. I find in truly turning my AH over to HP that I am so much more free from the drama and the chaos it's just another way to release the situation.
It does get better .. keep coming back and I hope that your RA will stay out of your life that way.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is a really interesting post. I just came on here now to see if anyone was writing about emotions and feelings post drama. I had about 8weeks of absolute hell after i "outed" my alcoholic husband to two of his close and trustworthy friends. His drinking had been a problem for several years before this. The drama was initiated by him with him taking off his wedding ring saying I'd abused his trust, betrayed him, ruined our relationship beyond repair. It's ridiculous when I look back now. I played my part in it too though by reacting to the drama, getting sucked into it begging and pleading with him to see sense. The one good thing I did was stick to my guns in openly getting help for myself. He gave me an ultimatum (Alanon or him) and at that point about 5 weeks into the drama I'd literally had enough of him and said well it'll have to be alanon as I cannot go on like this. The next morning he regretted his ultimatum and went to his first AA meeting. He is in recovery now which is great. It did take me putting my foot down and getting help for myself to get him to accept that he couldn't just carry on without there being some serious consequences.
I am so happy he is in recovery. It is early days and I know he is finding it hard. I'm going to my meetings to which are great. I need to take the next step and call some of the people in between meetings and also look to get a sponsor. It's been relatively calm for a few weeks now but I am finding that I am getting almost uncontrollable feelings of anger and rage. he had a little dig at me the other day and I just blew at him. I was literally shaking with anger.
My friends are coming down for a hen weekend and one of them has asked last minute if her sister in law and friend can join us for the whole weekend. As soon as she asked I felt a huge surge of rage as we all rarely see each other these days and her sister in law has a tendency to get very drunk and takes over everything. I didn't let my rage show but felt like screaming 'no she can't f-ing well come because I can't stand the bloody women'. I would rather she didn't come but literally felt like screaming and crying and having a real go at my friend (which I didn't thank goodness). Hmm i guess what i am saying is that post drama i'm feeling slightly un hinged. I hope this gets better. Did anyone else feel this way?
Aloha Sarah...been there and do that although not as often as before. It's the "taking it personal" stuff for me...the getting blind sided by unexpected pressure or confrontation and then I get to ask myself "I thought you fixed that hair trigger"?. Had an episode the other night when my spouse got into my business which I have been doing for 18 years and she decided to clue me and instruct me and test me on the operation which she rarely ever gets involved with other than the money side of it. I took it personal and need to talk with her about it rather than just saying "ummmm sorry about that". She won't ever get "that" unless we talk about it. It was drama...Days of our Lives, drama...hate those soap thingys and probably could get paid for my own too. ((((hugs))))
Hello Rara - honestly the way I got through it was just working, staying busy, just keep swimming, seeing myself as a donkey with a carrot tied to a stick on my back, me plodding forever forward - was so busy I went to bed exhausted only to start again bright and early the next morning. I had a good year of following the carrot; guess what - swimming and donkeys don't mix.... haha. Summer is almost here and I am looking forward to a summer without bus driving! I dreaded last summer; this year I've built two arbors, have been working on getting my yard tamed, have actual PLANS for a vacation to the beach and am no longer frantically swimming in circles. I feel lucky. I can come home to my house the way I left it, watch what I want to on tv, eat food my way, clean or not clean, read, listen to music, work in yard, no one to badger me or pressure me into doing everything they want to do and nothing I want to do, etc. I AM lucky. I got through it by staying busy.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Great conversation. Right now I'm reminding myself how peaceful and great I felt a month or so after the stay away order was signed off on. When he started circling in and breaking the order I was so disappointed, this showed that he is operating on his own mental map. I still have not literally spoken to him since September.
I think I've done quite well not reacting emotionally on the outside [ *pat on back* heh heh ] but whenever I thought my actions - ei going to police, etc.. - were overreacting I remind myself that I'm dealing with someone who left a human turd on my floor! What confuses me is, my exRA was never physically violent, though his actions sufficiently freaked the judges and cops enough that of their own accord they've been recommending and granting epos, tros, and restraining orders to me.
Thanks for listening to my musings. As I'm preparing to go back home soon, I've been thinking about the line between real and imagined. My exRA turned into a freaky stalker type and I want to live peacefully and not in fear. I have some quite literal boundaries in place now, which is great. I'd like to shut out the fear part of my thinking, at the same time there is a certain reality about this situation that I have to be aware of. Currently I'm staying in a place I could conceivably move to, though leaving my current life behind would be a last resort. I want to return to living in peace, but don't feel like I can turn a blind eye, either. It's a real jedi mind trick!
Love your input. Meanwhile, I'm really looking forward to my home improvement projects :)
