HI. I am new. - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

HI. I am new.

CDK · Senior Member

Hello.

I'm in the thick of it. Just left my alcoholic boyfriend of 4.5 years...well slipped out the back door really.

Have sort of hung in there the last three weeks, hoping he'd get the point.

Last night I found out, for some strange reason my best friend decided to invite him to be part of an art show. He asked if it was paying, so that he could restock his liquor cabinet with the money.

I guess, it was a clear sign that he has officially chosen alcohol over me.

And kind of crappy of my best friend as well. I don't get it.

So, now I feel EXTRA lost. Because, I don't really have anyone now due to the isolation.

I'm really sad. I hurt.

This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It's been like three weeks really, since I decided that the pain of being with him was winning over the pain of being without him...so I took a step back. Friends are like "let it go already". Three weeks into it. I know they see him as a stupid man that I don't deserve, but this all ties into my childhood issues...so it is very traumatic for me.

I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am trying to actually grieve and go thru this process and look at myself and learn instead of stuffing it. But, its so intense that I just want to shut down and give up. When I hear my friends say things like "I miss my happy friend." or "When are you gonna let it go?", it makes me feel invalidated and like my pain is inconvenient for them.

I'm horribly depressed.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

WELCOME TO MIP!

one of the things I have found is that some people are just uncomfortable around other's pain...and THEY want you to be "over it" because they are uncomfortable with YOUR pain.

Try a face to face alanon meeting, seek out the folks who get it and can be there for you! it takes a LONG time to work through the hurt...be kind to yourself...what would you say to a friend going through this? do that for YOU.

what helped me is thinking that I was moving through something...rather than thinking that what I was feeling was going to be my destination...

hang in there...one day at a time...or one minute at a time if that works...

Kiki52 · Veteran Member

When I was going thru a really rough time with my alcoholic husband, a friend told me "When you think you're going thru hell, just keep walking". It was good advice. I did keep walking and came thru it.

I agree. Find an al anon meeting and go. And then keep going back. I've found so much help and support in al anon. People who haven't lived with alcoholism will never understand it as we do. People at al anon meetings have all been there. They've been thru it. They know. They understand.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome!
You are in the right place. You'll get a lot of support here.
That was very brave of you. And I think healthy, too, to walk away.
I'm sorry your friends aren't supportive. Or even non-commital. Get over it, already, is no help at all.
You will be encouraged here to seek out and attend Al-Anon meetings. That's good information.
There's also a board here for people whose family of origin was alcoholic. Some people use both boards.
When I first called Al-Anon, the very kind lady on the phone told me, "It's not your fault. And it will get better."
And that helped me until I could get to a meeting.
Be very kind to yourself.
Celebrate yourself for being self-protective, when you can.
Reading posts on here can be very informative. You may be able to see that you have saved yourself
from a lot of future pain.
Hugs,
Temple

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I once had a friend who told me I should be over it in two weeks after my mother died!!! I was so devastated. I really didn't see her as the person she was. I saw her viewpoint as critical to who I was.

I have had to seperate out people's viewponts from my own. I'm not fused to them anymore. But I didn't get there overnight.

I know where the need to be validated by people came from. For me it was trauma. As a child I had to be in denial around what was going on around me, violence, dysfunction, neglect, abuse the whole works. I could not have acknowledged that then the sheer abandonment of it all would have killed me. So I learned in order to survive to get validating from others. After all I couldn't validate my enviroment until I got a great physical and emotional distance from it and then had to grieve.

So for me certain situations do indeed trigger abandonment, panic, fear, grief but its not really all about the present its about the past. I had to be in denial as a child. People would be flumoxed that I was devastated about a relationship that was a few weeks old but it wasn't about that. So few people can understand that. Digging through all that stuff didn't happen overnight.

For me the paradox is that being with an alcoholic led me to al anon. In al anon I learned boundaries, self care, finally was able to accept love, care and understanding from others. I got what never happened in my childhood. I hope you will give al anon a chance. I know I took years to get here. I took years to be willing to entertain that I had to change what I was doing and I took years to be even willing to consider a sponsor too.

Maresie.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi CDK - thank you so much for stopping by and sharing with us.

I can't speak for your friends, but I can say for myself that it takes a lot more time than just a couple of weeks to process through the emotions of loss. When I look at things clearly, it can sometimes take an equal amount of time for me to recover from a relationship as when I was actually in it.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you that you're not just "over it already". Remarks like that from your friends just shows their own discomfort with seeing you unhappy, and it's really all about them and their inability to figure out how to be supportive. Some people, honestly, never can be supportive. It's just not in them.

You take whatever time you need to work through your loss. How long that time is is entirely up to you and you're in the right spot no matter where you are with it.

Have you got yourself over to any face-to-face Al-Anon meetings? I've found them very helpful in hard times like these. It's good to surround myself with people who understand (and these people will never tell me "aren't you over it yet?")

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! You have received wonderful ESH (experience strength hope) already.

You are in the right place!!! Keep coming back you are worth it!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome CDK,

Sometimes, no, quite often, friends and even family members don't understand what it is like living with alcoholism. I do not think they mean harm. As already mentioned in one of the replies, sometimes friends and others are too uncomfortable with a person's pain, so they try to brush over it, as in "Just let it go." Easier said then done.

Have you tried meetings? Now these are places where you will find a lot of understanding, support and wisdom to not only get through this diffcult time in your life, but you will grow emotionally as well.

I went once a week to meetings for almost 1 year. I have tapered off for personal reasons. The meetings helped set me on the path to "sane town" Good-bye Crazyville!

Glad you found this board for YOU! Take good care

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh C honey, I am so sad you feel so bad. You may need to let your friends know you are grieving.

Many do not understand, that even though the ex mate seems like a scoundrel to them, they are truly very sick with a disease.

Of course you love and miss him.That is perfectly normal. Let me tell you, I do not believe in the saying he/she chose drugs over me. He is sick. To the addict, whatever they use, it is like telling someone to not drink water. We do not choose to drink water, we have to. To them, the disease makes them believe the same.

You and the disease have no connection at all. He cannot choose. Plus no addict who is using and many who are not, do not know how to love.

They know they want someone, but yet usually cannot give back.

We have to be strong sometimes to our friends. I told mine he has a horrible disease, I cannot and will not be mad at him for that. If mine did not get horribly abusive I would probably still be with him.

I also would say, hey if he was in an accident and had brain damage I would not leave him and if I did I would grieve leaving him.

You wlll find serenity when you do. There is no such thing of just letting go. We grieve the loss which is just like a physical wound, it heals when it does.

Be kind to yourself please. Its also ok to tell people I am very tender right now, can you please be a little easy on me?

I just told my son who is 35 to please not be hard on me and just love me. And he said ok mom. We need to tell the people we love what we need from them sometimes.

Hon many of us have been where you are. I wondered if my stomach would ever stop hurting. For me making sure I ate right, drank water, took naps, did what I had to each day then stopped and let it go and played or read for hours or sat at a friends, just to not be alone.

Naps helped me so much and raising my Basset Hound puppy was a huge help.

I hope you will keep sharing here. It really can help a lot. It got me thru some horrible horrible times. . The people here really do care, it helps us to help you!

Sending you love,debilyn

CDK · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. I don't have internet access at home, so if I take forever to respond...that's why.

I don't really know what to say, as there is no way I can individually touch on each thing everyone said. I just want to let you all know that every. single. response. brought something GOOD to me, and I read them and just cried and cried. I've been alone a very long time.

I have never been worth anything to anyone...even when I was a child. Horribly neglected, I guess. My therapist and I have a theory that I have been so deprived of certain things, that I can live off crumbs for a LONG time and will pay a tremendous price for the smallest bit of kindness. It sounds silly, but I think put up with so much just so I'd have someone to hug me everyday and call me pet names.

Anyway, I'm trying to be kind to myself, and distract myself some. I'm pondering a day trip, and turning the room that was going to be his (he had not moved in yet, but was about to...I think my survival instinct kicked in somehow, thank goodness.) into an art studio. Mostly, I just want to get a decent night's sleep, and not have a panic attack every night at 9pm like its my job to do so.

Sometimes, I feel like he is just in the other room, or just on the other side of the building. Like he is a ghost or an apparition. It's like I let him infiltrate my dna or something. I can see his mannerisms and hear him...its so odd. Sometimes I want to punch him in the face, and sometimes I want to fall at his feet and weep and take it all back. I know that I CANNOT for real see him...the risk of that happening is too great. We used to work together until a month and half ago. I guess, the universe took care of me there too. I don't have any reason to see him, unless I run into him somewhere. (Which is kind of possible. One of his best drinking buddies owns a business 2 blocks from my house, and he works out with his other drinking buddy about 4 blocks away 3 nights a week. And they all go to the tavern on the same road. Its creepy at night thinking he is within walking distance of my house and drinking. Ugh. But, I'm usually home with my kids, or at a friend's house. I don't get out much after dark.)

Anyway, I know that most important thing I can do to ensure my happiness in all areas of my life is to learn to love myself. Love myself enough to learn new ways of processing, of setting boundaries, and of expecting great things for myself. I have no idea how to do this really. It's a strange land. I feel like I have been plopped down in the dessert with no map. I fear the friends I do have will disappear as I learn to assert myself, etc...

Thank you again. I hope you all have good days. Ive been reading your brave stories, and send you love and light.

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