The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am thankful for positive growth and change. I'm thankful for my wonderful F2F meeting.
I realize that it's important to focus on the positive.
I am and have hit my head against the same wall over and over again. It comes to the subject of me traveling to see friends. I have local friends, I catch flack for that too.
I had a planned trip to visit my friend in DC this weekend. Which I planned months ago. My AH sat down on Monday night to try and talk to me about his feelings about my trips. He'd been drinking which means I'm going to listen to what he has to say and contribute as little as possible.
This trip would have been the first I've taken since November. I had my friend who was moving to Canada come in December and we decorated Christmas cookies at our house. In January she came up and we went to lunch. She is now on the West coast of Canada, I live in the Southeast.
There was no way I wasn't going to make time for my friend who I have known since we were 8.
I have a baby shower coming up in June. I have taken a PTO day from work on the Friday before to help prepare everything then the shower is the following Saturday. My oldest friend, who I have known since church nursery, is having a baby. She was matron of honor in our wedding. She threw my bridal shower last year.
In October I have a trip planned to go down to Florida and meet my nephew.
My AH is expressing that I need to be aware that I'm married now and I have a family and I need to recognize this fact. That I need to take this into account as I plan trips. That the June shower is taking me away for a weekend, that the trip in october will take me away for another weekend.
He also has a lovely habit of telling me what I'm thinking and feeling as we're having this conversation.
My hackles rise when you tell me what I'm thinking and feeling. Then this conversation is coming after the weekend where we've had our daughter where I've done pretty much EVERYTHING as far as feeding her and getting her ready because he didn't feel good and was too tired for most of the weekend.
We have her pretty much every weekend, unless her mom has plans. I am usually the one who picks her up, I'm usually the one who gets her dressed, feeds her, gets her in bed, and plans stuff so we have something to do. So when I'm there on weekends I do most of the kid duty. I love our daughter, I don't begrudge her this at all. However she has mommy, I'm her L. I'm not mommy, and she needs Daddy when she's with us. But Daddy is often tired, or doesn't feel good and doesn't have the energy or needs to go outside for a while. But heaven help us when we don't get her for the weekend because then he feels guilty. Never mind he doesn't make time during the week to try and have a night with her, again because he's too tired.
I plan these trips for my sanity. I plan these trips because when I'm gone he has to step up and be Daddy. While things have improved, tremendously, this whole guilt trip over weekends really frustrates me.
I have been processing this since Monday. Trying to work my way through this. I expressed (when he was sober) that I would appreciate him not telling me my thought and feelings. I also explained that the shower I'm doing is for the same person who just last year hosted my shower where we were tremendously blessed by other's generosity.
I am trying to detach. I am trying to let go and let God. I am also trying to take this one day at a time.
My trip to DC has been cancelled due to my Grandmother being transferred to Hospice. Family is important and I need to be in town for mine. I explained that even though I'm going to be in town I am here for my family and will go whenever they need me.
I know that HP is in control. I know that there is a lot that I am powerless over but I also know that my perspective makes a big difference.
Sounds like you are practicing good self care in the midst of it all. Keep taking care good care of yourself. Good example of how to do it. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Everything will work out. I admire your decisions to continue on with your plans. i allowed myself to get sucked in to the insanity so often and missed out on trips, events and family functions ... thinking my obligations were to keep my exAH entertained basically. The truth hit me later that there would have ben nothing different had I not been there except I would have been making better decisions for myself When people encourage me now to follow through on the things I want to do it shocks me a bit still. But this is what healthy people do ... encourage and support, it would be pretty rare to recieve that from someone caught up in the disease of addiction. I think you are doing great keeping your perspective. Sending support.
You work a wonderful program and will continue to do the next right thing for you. Part of marriage is that even though we are 1 in the spirit we need to have our individuality as well. WTG sticking to your program and doing your plans, any conversation with someone who is in an altered state of mind is not a real conversation in my mind. He may bring it up again or not .. it's on him at this point.
Sending you love and support, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Boy, I can relate. Being told what I thought and felt. It's like tossing a smoke bomb, so then our attention would be on defending or justifying ourselves instead of focusing on the real issue.
"He'd been drinking which means I'm going to listen to what he has to say and contribute as little as possible."
Yep...always felt like a child in that situation. Eventually I gave myself permission to NOT sit and listen to a drunk man's lecture. He was going to be upset anyway. So I could at least enjoy my day.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
So glad you are taking good care of yourself. My A used to manipulate me in a similar way. "You are married now so you have to..." rather than "I feel uncomfortable when you..." As if there is a rule book and I am breaking the rules. (Granted there is a "rule book" for most marriages -- like not cheating -- but going on occasional trips is not a part of those commonly agreed on rules!) It's like they try to shift our ideas of what's normal so they can control us. (They also try to shift our ideas of what's normal drinking.) It's worrying when spouses try to control how much we see our friends, though -- that sets of my alarm bells. That's what the abusers do who try to isolate their partners. So you can keep track of whether things start heading down that path. Nipping that in the bud as you're doing is so helpful.
I also notice that your A's ideas of what's married/family life happen to conform to exactly what he wants. Like: married women don't leave their husbands for a weekend, but dads are free to leave the childcare to people who aren't even blood relatives of the child. It all comes down to people catering to him, doesn't it?
We have to think hard to keep our sane perspective sometimes. Sounds as if you are doing that. Hugs.
@Dolly the progress is that this didn't degenerate into a knock down drag out fight. Rather I left for the gym when it was over and ran out my frustration with an awesome workout.
@Mattie thank you for reminding me that I'm not crazy. I know this, and I'm usually good about reminding myself of it but sometimes the line can get blurry. I refuse to be isolated. I've called him out on this when he's sober. We've come a very long way from the begining!
Again thank you all for the ESH it truly helped me and was/is SO needed!!!
I used to be all whiney and manipulative whenever my romantic partners would leave me for a few days. That is an overall sign of dependency. When a person has little to no internal coping skills they are prone to being dependent on people, places, and things (substances). Hence, I do identify with what you describe as your AH. Furthermore, I was a master at telling you how you think and feel AND I backed that up with being "a therapist." Yah right. I couldn't even stay sober a week yet I could lecture others on what their values should be and how they should be more committed to me than anything else in their life. I think I knew it deep down at the time, but the true statement I was really making with all those hostage taking tactics was "I am so needy and I can't stand to be left alone with myself because I hate myself. I need you here all the time just to validate me." Now I can write it - say it out loud - I have even made ammends for being that jerk (or tried to).
Now I would be encouraging of my current partner taking trips for such positive reasons. I have stated before that alcoholics don't have mature relationships much of the time. They don't have relationships, they take hostages. I didn't know how deep rooted my problems were and how interconnected they were when I came into AA. I think this is part of why relapse is so common because, once you take the drink away - you are faced with such profound insecurities.
Sounds sappy, but now I do see the meaning of the following: When you love someone, you celebrate who they are and that they are a free and wonderful person. You don't try and chain them and bend them to your will. Who knew? It only took a few years of 12 step work for me to recognize that lol.
P.S. - I recognize I posted again identifying with the qualifier here - I do want to state that your Alanon program is inspiring. There's not much for me to say on that because you sound like you are really centered and working such a great program. I just applaud that.
@Mark he actually stated that he will accept that I have a higher social need then he does and we will agree to disagree and he will grin and bear it. If I can get that then I will continue to work my program with him in my life. We're told we can find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not and I can identify with this statement.
""I am so needy and I can't stand to be left alone with myself because I hate myself. I need you here all the time just to validate me." Now I can write it - say it out loud - I have even made ammends for being that jerk (or tried to)." Reading about your progress in your own program is so incredibly inspiring to me!! "I think this is part of why relapse is so common because, once you take the drink away - you are faced with such profound insecurities. " This makes so much sense to me!!! Especially considering the insecurities I know exist with my husband!!!!
I appreciate your insight and input!!! I am so thankful for this board!!!
all the social stuff I had with the ex a used to be such a source of resentment for me. I never really got my needs met.
When I first met the ex A I was dating other people. He sulked tremendously around that. Rather than take that as a sign of immaturity I saw it as a sign of attachment.
I think the lines between empathy and giving up myself are really difficult to navigate for me. All the insight in the world still doesn't get my needs met.
For me boundaries are so critical. At times I let the boundaries down like when I take a neighbors dog home because its out loose but my responsiblity isn't to keep the dog locked up its merely to return him if he crosses my path. Even that isn't my responsibility although the anxiety I feel when I see a dog running in the street is too hard for me.
I think the anxiety of begging for my needs is a real big trigger for me. Right now where I work is full of that. I know I work around really really dysfunctional people and its difficult to navigate being liked with being clear.
Unfortunately for me, although i am not an alcoholic, i identify with pinkchip and your hubbie on this issue.
I hate going away, i hate my husband going away, i even dislike being apart for short periods of time. My mind goes into overdrive. I know its abandonment issues (part of being 'me')
For me, it helps when my feelings are validated.
In the past i have literally melted down emotionally when he went fishing. I had the wills out and the plan for what i would do with his son and where the body would be taken etc.
I am getting better, but i am not looking forward to the beginning of june when i have to go away for 4 days with work.
So, i think u are amazing cos i could not in my wildest dreams do what u r doing (im on my iphone so typos galore i guess)
You go ((((Jackie))))...and have a good time. He was a big boy before you met him and will continue to be a big boy for the two days you are gone. Let us know how it comes out.
When people encourage me now to follow through on the things I want to do it shocks me a bit still. But this is what healthy people do ... encourage and support, it would be pretty rare to recieve that from someone caught up in the disease of addiction. I think you are doing great keeping your perspective. Sending support.