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I have made a few posts on here and am trying to make a habit of opening up what's going on with me so I deal with it in a healthy way and not let it sit and fester in me. I really like this website and the amazing support on here for everyone.
I live with my alcoholic boyfriend and my 2 year old daughter. I have been a stay at home mom and enjoyed being at home with my daughter but this was never a permanent situation of being at home and eventually I would go back to work. I have isolated myself being at home not just to take care of her but from dealing with the effects of my boyfriend's disease. I have depended on him financially and too much emotionally failing to realize that I need to take care of myself more and rely and depend on myself more, and less on him. I have let him have control over everything including myself. Change has finally come because I have been offered a job position and I start tomorrow.
It's a great start for me to finally have my own income to contribute to bills and have spending money for myself. It will be nice not to have to ask him for permission to buy something for once or worry that he will spend away all his money leaving nothing for food. I will be out of the house and out in the working world. No more isolation. Making new changes. Feels good.
He has asked to pick her up from her day care some days after he gets off of work since he gets off earlier then I will be. I have said you can if your sober. It would be nice so she's not in daycare for 10 hours of the day but if she needs to be to ensure her safety and a healthier environment for her then I'm all for it. He insists he would never drink before picking her up but I have a hard time trusting that one day he decides to have a beer after a hard day of work and then decides to go get her, makes me cringe. I want to trust him and his intentions seem positive but its once he has that drink that all reasoning goes out the window. I do have his mom's support who has a car seat and can go pick her up if I need her to. I don't want to be parenoid but I don't want to be expecting him to be sober and doing rational things because of his disease.
I told him we could see how things go. He says he would never drink before driving with our daughter in the car but there has been a couple times I have suspected him of doing it. One time he made a statement that if it was 1 beer he didn't see that to be a big deal. I am just a firm believer of being completely sober with children in the car and don't want to take any chances with my daughter's safety.
I want to trust him but I know he can't always be trusted because of his disease.
Stick to your boundaries with children because the authorities are not only going to look at him if something were to happen they will look at you as well. Better safe than sorry.
That's my honest opinion. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree--I have had to re-arrange my entire life because I cannot trust my AH to care for our kids. *Bad* things have happened and although nobody got hurt--the fear and anxiety is unbelievable. I will always blame myself for having trusted his judgement but like you said, after even one drink--his brain is not normal. You are not being paranoid by any means--you are a mother, trust your instinct.
I find it way better on me to handle anything to do with them in that sense. As long as I know they are SAFE, I can breathe a bit easier. For these reasons, I have had to reach out to many others to help me take care of them...because his disease keeps him from being reliable, even for his kids. Best wishes...
Trust is hard. People see it only as trusting good things, positive things, caring things. It works the other way as well. I can trust that my middle son will lie to me anytime he feels like it. I have to rely on that trust. I can trust that my ex can't be relied on all the time and I have to be prepared with a plan if he backs out.
I can trust that my mom likes to meddle in my life. I can go on with this. We have to trust what we know so we can make good decisions. When we try to trust something we don't know, or can't count on, it's harder to make clear decisions. Our feelings get involved and trick us into "hope". Hope is good but decisions are best made upon the things we know.
I was a stay at home mom with my first two kids until my middle son was 7. I sent my youngest to daycare starting at 2 out of necessity. My sober ex who was at home was neglectful and abusive. He was safer in someone else's care. I hated it. He's still in daycare and it's been hard but we manage.
I'm with the others on this one. Your instincts are there for a reason. I know for me, I don't always want to believe what I know to be true of someone I love with the disease...I want to trust the untrustable so much that I can go into denial and tell myself it will be different this time or in this situation. If you sense (know) he has drank and drive before then chances are he will again. You are right it's his disease and we can't expect an activr A to have that kind cof self discipline. If that was me, the boundary wouldn't be "you can pick her up only if you are sober" it would be "no you can't pick her up because I know in my heart I can't trust you to keep that boundarry"!!! I wouldn't take the risk if my instincts and past experience told me the risk was there. Tigger x
I would suggest trusting your instincts, trusting your guidance from HP of your understanding.
My husband drove with out sons up to the moutains under the influence during weekend camping trips. I would have never believed that if I had known at the time. I didn't learn of this until our sons were in the thirties. They kept it a secret.
I would not trust an alcoholic that isn't working a good, solid program. That is what my experiences have taught me.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Trust is a great subject and recovery lesson. For me it included learning from my sponsors not to trust beyond what could be given and more shortly not to trust the alcoholic/addict for behaviors she could not or would not follow thru on. When I learned that lesson more and more of my anxiety and resentments faded away and my understanding of the alcoholic/addict grew; how the disease made her less than even when she and I were in denial of it.
I learned "qualified" trust. Keep on keeping on ((((hugs)))) .
I believe we know what is right to do, no matter what the A tries to manipulate us into believing. We get red flags for a reason and have to learn to trust in our own judgments and stop relying on others to convince of of theirs. I used to let my friends, family and my exAH tell me what I thought and believed, but after over a year of Al-anon I have discovered my feelings and beliefs are true and right for me. I have been able to make decisions without needing anyones second opinion, well maybe my sponsors from time to time, but she always has my best interest at heart. Trust in your Al-anon recovery, your HP and yourself! I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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