I should have known better, but? - Al-Anon Family Group

seekingserenity · Veteran Member

I should have known better, but?

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh my..
Sometimes it has taken me 30 years to snap to on a situation. Sometimes after the situation has long moved on, shall we say.
I think be glad you came to the realization now and not 10 years down the road.
I think the idea is to get to be the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Then you'll be happy with
yourself, and chances are greater that somebody equally wonderful will come along. If not, no tragedy.
And there's nothing wrong with you. You're just having growing pains.
Hugs,
Temple

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree nothing wrong with you, .. you are still learning as we all are .. and there are going to be aches and pains of dealing with what the heck was that OR I thought I grew past this kind of thing. Hold your program close and HP closer, ironic how much trouble we get into thinking we know what HP has in mind for us.

Hugs it gets easier and it takes a lot of time, hugs p :)

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I try not to see it so black and white. When I went back to dating, I had a couple of times where I felt myself seeing the other person as perfect and someone who was going to complete me. It became a red flag for me that I wasn't ready so I would stop dating for awhile and explore it more.

I now see romantic relationship as two individuals who either are a good match, or they are not. I no longer believe in "two hearts beating as one". I believe in "two hearts beating side by side". This current relationship is the first relationship that I went into very slowly and forced myself to discuss things right up front. I don't see him as perfect, I don't see him as someone I 'need'. I just really enjoy time with him.

And conversely, the ending of a "bad match" or even just a relationship where you grow apart - or heck even if the person just turns out to be a complete jerk, it's not about me. It's not something I did or didn't do. It's hard because sometimes things end and we or they or both of us project "well I just couldn't stand that you did xyz" or "I just can't live with xyz". So it seems like it's about us but really is it? Is xyz truly 'BAD'? Or is that just who we are and maybe it's ok - just not for that relationship?

If my RBF comes up tomorrow and says "look, your kids are a lot to handle and I don't think I'm up to this" that's going to be hard for me. I 've been sensitive about my kids, they've been handed a rough lot in life between genetics and environment and they ARE a lot to handle. But I haven't done anything wrong and my kids are not bad. Whoever stays in my life will need to understand that my kids have bad days that are just a bit worse than the average. And if they can't handle that I have to see that as a blessing that they bowed out - because the reality is no matter how much I love the guy - if he and my kids can't work together I'm signing up for a life of misery "in the middle".

Loss of anything is hard. Allow yourself time to grieve. Take care of yourself.

seekingserenity · Veteran Member

I know I am better off. I know it's better that I found out now, I know that I am all that and a coke and it's his loss. I just feel dumb that I got all caught up in thinking "this guy is awesome, he accepts me warts and all and he wants to open a whole new world for me." Come to find out, we weren't on the same page and apparently weren't, even from early on. I guess that's what hurts. Oh well, Live and Learn.

sookie · Senior Member

Nothing wrong with you at all. I feel that way too lately. I am trying to trust my HP and understand the lessons put before me each day. It is *confusing* dealing with addicts, but I try to believe that I have choices in my destiny, too--and I try to make the best ones I can each time, but not without some regrets. At that point, when I am looking back--I try to be gentle on myself, and realize--I am making choices because I really want love and want to believe there is good in some people. Lots to learn for me and that is why I keep coming back to the program.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Seeking...try wrapping your thinker around this perception of a relationship which I learned in early recovery. "I love you...I like having you close to me...and I don't need you". I am responsible for me and the me I become in spite of anyone else in my life.

I love my wife...she is a great creation and I have said to her honestly at times that the sometimes the loneliest place and times in my life is standing right along side of her. Some times she "isn't" there for me and still she's great. She isn't my god or higher power. Learning how to adjust and tone down my expectations of....is best for me.

((((hugs)))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate and this is when I call my sponsor and say Oh hurray another one of these learning lessons. Everytime we learn more about ourselves and others and can embrace it the easier it gets. It sounds like you are working a good program and all of us wonder at times what is wrong with us, but really nothing is and we are growing and getting better everyday that we are working our programs and open to the process. Keep your chin up! Sending you love and support!

seekingserenity · Veteran Member

I have realized after some time that I needed to go through this situation to learn a few things. The first and most important being that I wanted that relationship so much because it felt familliar because he was a "recovering A." I also learned that I was still willing to settle for inadequacy because I didn't think I deserved more and the last thing I learned was that I was putting value on the relationship because I respected him and the picture he painted thus it made me feel better about me because he wanted me...if that makes any sense?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.