I don't know how old your kids are there are two things I would highly recommend although it sounds like you really get the idea that he is ill. Going to alanon meetings as well as for the kids based upon ages alateen.

My kids are 13, 8 they have both approached me individually as well as together to ask questions about what's going on with dad. This was 2 years before I got into the program. They were very aware that it was not ok what was happening. Like your AH mine doesn't drink daily, weekly, or even monthly based upon the year .. it's what happens when he drinks that is the counter for how bad it will get the "next" time. I wish I had some recovery for myself to find a better way to address it. I'm still stumbling through it.

Because of circumstances .. my AH had to explain it himself to a degree unfortunately he is not ready to seek recovery and based upon his drinking pattern he rationalizes it, justifies it, and basically sweeps it under the rug.

The "feel betters" with the disease do not last .. it turns into the "if only's" which then leads to the excuses. The drinking is merely a symptom of what is really going on. Take away the drinking and it doesn't mean it's fun in the sun, happily ever after either.

Anyway, keep coming back I'm sure others will have some sage wisdom to give. In our house we are probably honest to a fault, and I tend to believe what is in the light can't hide in the closet. It brings with it different consequences to situations that play out.

Hugs P :)

My kids are 17, 15, 13 and 11.  I do think that my husbands drinking effects our relationship with each other more than it does his relationship with our kids.  However, the kids see him downing beers like water at family parties and on the weekends around the house.  He doesnt withdraw from the kids nor does he verbally abuse them but I still want them to understand that this is not "normal" and that again, this is not the way to use alcohol.  Do I attach the "Alcoholic" lable to my husband?  Do I just continue to ignore the reality,continue to sweep it under the rug and assume that the kids will learn how to manage their lives without using alcohol?

Thank you for your responses.  I really appreciate the comments and taking your time to help me.

Here's the bottom line .. and it's the God's honest truth .. what you think people/kids don't know .. they do. They know dad is not right, they know that their house is different or appears to be than other people's homes. They know they need to not talk about what goes on in their home. They go out of their way to protect the parent who is the caretaker of the situation. They want what is best for you.

I try not to label the kids dad when I speak about alcohol. We talk about in terms of some people can drink and some people can't, .. people who can't have a disease and they should not drink because it harms them. It is the only disease that will tell you .. you don't have a problem. It is NOT normal after not drinking for XYZ time to sit down and drink 24 beers in a given day. It is NOT normal to have run in's with the law. It is NOT normal to handle life situations, happy, sad, angry, glad by taking a drink. It is NOT normal to not talk about things because we are afraid for whatever reason, pain, fear, anger, and need something to numb out. I did mess that up this past weekend however .. ehe .. I'm not going to beat myself up over that one. Those are the situations in my children's lives and what we have had to address.

We are a very verbal family when we are engaged in conversation with each other. This is a subject I feel needs to be out in the open and when it's appropriate discussed. We talk about the God of our understanding. We talk about alcohol, drugs, sex, violence, good consequences vs bad consequences.

My son I just sit at the moment and wait for the questions and statements to come .. I make sure he knows he's loved and safe. Ditto for my daughter however being older and more able to verbalize what she's feeling, I can offer a better outlet for her.

Again it goes back to what your comfort level is with your kids, how do you talk to them normally? How do you approach difficult situations that come up? Whatever the conflict is, .. I also try not to make it more than it is .. I neither minimize the situation nor do I maximize it. They are going to be ok if I am ok. How I handle what is happening in my life dictates how they will handle stress as it comes up as well. I have made the choice not to ignore the situation. I have tried to allow my AH to own the situation as much as possible. He's an alcoholic .. he's going to minimize what is happening and he is not going to address the issue head on. I'm throw it on the tale let's look at it and then let's deal kind of person, especially as I get healthier .. no sweeping it under the rug anymore.

Have a lunch date with each kid or take the two older together and the two younger together at a different time. Ask them what they think, be as open and honest as you can be and then whatever they do say don't hold it against them. Kids are brutally honest. You may hear things you don't like. Remember there is a whole lot going on below the surface that we don't have a clue about when it comes to kids. For me sweeping it under the rug is not an option. It's my denial of what is happening hoping someone else will teach them how to handle the situation at home and like it or not as far as my own comfort goes I have to address it and guide them to the best of my ability. Then the really scary thing happens .. I have to let go and hope what I have modeled in my own life and how I handle difficult situations will stick as they make their own choices. At some point it becomes their lives, I want them to have better tools than I did to deal with life on life's terms.

Hugs P :)

Hugs P :)

I ordered my 14 year old her first Al-ateen book 2 years ago and she read it and told me it made great sense to her and I also when she was 12 had her see a counselor who dealt with families of A's and she found her first few sessions very informative. We don't have Al-ateen where we live right now, but if we did would have her try it out. Sending you love and support!

I always hear from oldtimer Al-anoners if in doubt don't. Don't react, just learn what you can, read what you can and see what comes out of it after working on your program for awhile until a solid decision comes out of you, one that you are sure of. I rushed and reacted so much when I first joined Al-anon and my sponsor always tried to get me to stop and think and take my time getting into a solid program before I made any major changes. Sending you love and support on your journey!