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Last weekend, my daughters stayed with their dad (90% of the time, they are with me on the weekends, but every once in awhile they stay at their dad's for a family function). I have come to dread those weekends, because my AH tends to be much more likely to be emotionally abusive. I am sure that in his mind, it is a "better" time to be that way, because he has convinced himself that our son (who is 2) is "not old enough" to know what's going on. Typical alcoholic insanity.
Anyway, I approached the weekend from a "fake til I make it" and "no expectations" perspective. On Saturday, my AH wanted to attend an event during the day. Our son and I went with him for awhile, then he brought us home and returned. We agreed that he would be home at a certain time so I could go to a movie. I am a realist, and while I was hopeful I would be able to go to the movie, I was not EXPECTING it.
My AH returned home about 10 minutes earlier than we had agreed. He smelled of beer, but did not seem to be totally wasted. Because I had no idea how much he had been drinking, I decided not to go to the movie because one of my boundaries is that I do not leave our son alone with him when he is/has been drinking. I chose not to be angry or disappointed, and chose to enjoy our family time together. We spent time together, and went out for Italian food. My AH told me several times that I could still go to my movie, and said repeatedly that he was sorry I didn't go (but he didn't say it in a nasty way...he knows how much I love movies, and how much I miss going to see them). And I replied, with 100% honesty, that I wasn't sorry I missed the movie. Of course, the REASON I wasn't sorry (because I wanted to enforce my boundary) maybe wasn't the reason he thought, but I was honest in my reply.
On Sunday we took our son to have his 2-year portraits taken. Afterwards, we went out for hamburgers, where my AH ordered a 22-oz mug of beer. Halfway through our meal, the waitress asked him if he wanted another. He paused, then said "no, thank you." Then he looked at me and said "No more for me. I'm a responsible beer drinker." I didn't say anything, and was tending to our son. He persisted..."Don't you think I'm a responsible beer-drinker?" He has done this many, many times in the past...said things like this to try and get me to "approve" of his drinking, and historically I have gotten upset and it has led to huge fights and episodes of emotional abuse.
This time I said, in a very calm, detached voice "Do you want to talk about this now?" He said "well, I think I'm a responsible beer-drinker." And I replied (again in a calm, detached voice) "that's what matters." And miraculously, the subject was closed, it did not come up again, and it did not cast a shadow on the rest of our day.
In the 18 months since I've found Al Anon and started working a program of my own, there have been a handful of huge, major "a-ha" moments. But I am finding that more often than not, the moments are small victories...baby steps toward recovery. And that feels just as gratifying. I don't look for huge, sweeping solutions to my problems any more. I take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and enjoy what is before me in any given moment.
Non alcoholics do not ask people "Do you think I'm an alcoholic?" Of course, I only realize that now after being in recovery. Regardless stephanie, this all sounds like pretty awesome use of Alanon tools to keep your day on track, avoid needless arguing, and to enjoy the positives in your life.
Thanks Mark. There is not a rational human being alive who would look at my AH and think he isn't an alcholic. Non-alcoholics don't blow through at least a six pack every single night. Non-alcoholics don't get 3 DUIs, spend 6 days in county jail, then start drinking and driving again 5 years later. Non-alcoholics don't sit in their vehicles on company property immediately after their shift ends and drink a couple of warm beers before driving home. I could go on and on and on, but we all know the story.
In the past when his drinking has come up in conversation, it has ended in one of two ways. Usually, it ends in a huge, emotionally abusive fight. Sometimes, though, it ends with him talking about all his accomplishments, and how he's a good person, and why can't I focus on that instead? This time, though, I refused to allow the conversation to become about me at all. Because honestly, my opinion of his drinking is completely irrelevant to him. He will only seek sobriety/recovery if and when he admits to himself that he has a problem and is powerless over alcohol. Honestly, it's that last part that has always been his struggle...he does not want to accept his powerlessness. But I refuse to allow his internal conflict become mine. I don't have time for that crap anymore. I have myself to take care of, a career to revive, children to raise, a house to take care of, etc etc etc.
Great work! Thank you for sharing. I've been making baby steps too and it's amazing how good they feel. This program has been very very helpful to me as well. Enjoy your victories for yourself!
Good job! Thanks so much for sharing. I could learn something from all this. It's those type of interactions that I struggle with the most and it's usually because I want to be right and I know I can prove it. I mean, it's pretty easy to prove yet I've realized that he really doesn't care and I'm the one who winds up with egg on their face when the conversation/discussion is over. It's not easy arguing with someone who believes their own lies and justifications. Have a great week!
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"In the 18 months since I've found Al Anon and started working a program of my own, there have been a handful of huge, major "a-ha" moments. But I am finding that more often than not, the moments are small victories...baby steps toward recovery. And that feels just as gratifying. I don't look for huge, sweeping solutions to my problems any more. I take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and enjoy what is before me in any given moment."
Baby steps move you forward!!! I love how you asked "do you really want to talk about this now". Great way to put the focus back on him and keep you out of it!!
Hugs!!! Way to work your program!!! I've discovered that when conversation starts, and I feel it could be a "trigger" conversation I quickly hand it to my HP.
