The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yes, pretty much. My AH was a dry drunk for 15 years, he didn't use a program for sobriety. He started drinking again 2 years ago, but quit back in February after getting a DUI. It's been a roller coaster. Quite frankly, my therapist believes he's quite the narcissist. Blaming, deflecting, woe's me talk, passive agressive behavior, talk of suicide or suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, anger, etc it all fits the package that is my AH. My AH's favorite thing to say is, "You're too sensitive and you can't take a joke." And, yes, he shuts down because he says that he can't communicate with me because everything he says I take wrong. UGH! Now, can I actually attribute this to being a dry drunk? Maybe. What came first; the emotional and personality problem or the alcohol abuse? Does it really matter?
Have you tried Al Anon? You mentioned counseling but I have found more relief from finding friends in the rooms of Al Anon. One of the ladies whom I called for advice one day said that my AH suffers from the "Don't Look at Me" syndrome. Basically, he was deflecting all his personality defects onto me and lashing out in anger when he was more likely angry at himself for the mess he's created. I think you would really get something out of Al Anon. Try a few meetings in your area because each one is different. I know how frustrating it is living with someone who doesn't seem to want to change, to look at life through different glasses and try a new perspective, and I know how draining that can be on you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That's why in Al Anon we focus on ourselves. What are you doing to take care of you? And, if you have kids; the same question applies.
-- Edited by ilovedogs on Tuesday 22nd of May 2012 08:25:45 AM
Yes, my ex-AH was similar in behavior. Except he was never dry longer than 2, 3 weeks. But...just for today, I am focusing on what I can control (myself and my present) instead of what I can't (him and the past). So I don't want to get into sharing war wounds just now, just know that I experienced the same sort of stuff, oh yes ma'am.
Heh...I remember one day when he was on a work trip and I was home on the computer late at night...scouring amazon.com for book titles that could help me. And I looked at my already-full bookshelf..how to save your marriage books, AA books, Al Anon books, non-AA books on sobriety...I had them all. I realized I needed a new hobby. I wasn't the alcoholic yet I was the one doing all the reading, going to counseling, going to meetings.
Well, I have my own addiction and that is trying to control the universe. And trying to "fix" him. I really suck at it and don't enjoy it. And at this point, 2 months separated, I am seeing that my endless processing of the past is another manifestation of my addiction...only now I am trying to make sense of the past, when all I really need to understand is that he is an alcoholic, always will be, and does alcoholic stuff. End of story.
Al Anon truly saved my life. I can't recommend face to face meetings highly enough.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Tuesday 22nd of May 2012 11:45:51 AM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
My husband is sober and has been for a few years but I think he is a dry drunk. When he gets angry or frustrated he fixates on me and all the things i have or haven't done. He gets irritable, irrational and when I try to speak to him about it, he shuts down and blames me. He says I can't take criticism and won't accept responsibility. I am the one trying to talk it out. I am the one in counseling. He won't go and I feel like am going crazy. Has anyone had a similar situation? Is this typical dry drunk behavior?
My AH and ilovedogs's AH could be twins. He is the KING of taking his own insecurities and issues and deflecting/projecting them onto me. He feels like a failure who's not good enough? He calls me white trash and an idiot. He feels like he's not pulling his weight around the house? He criticizes how I do things.
Another board member here once told me that alcoholics (whether "dry drunks" or active drinkers) are often egomaniacs with huge inferiority complexes. That is absolutely how my AH is. He will go on and on and on about how awesome he is and how everyone loves him at work and how hard he works, but then he talks trash about his co-workers, talks trash about his family, talks trash about the dang grocery clerk, because tearing other people down is how he makes himself feel better about himself. When we met and got married he was sober, but it is painfully clear to me now that he was NOT in recovery, and he was a dry drunk. He started drinking again in earnest about 2 years ago.
Al Anon has saved my sanity, and I hope you will keep coming back. I would also recommend the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. Like you, I was convinced I was totally crazy. That book helped me realize I was 100% sane, just living in an insane situation.
omg we are all married to the same person. lol Im so glad i found Al anon and these boards. I hope more people post about Dry Drunk syndrome . I'm recently separated from my AH . He left . Texted me from work one day. Moved out that night. Moved in with his sister. Who by the way never believed he was A. We had little to no contact with over the 15 yrs we were married. I was crushed, he blames me for everything that went wrong in our marriage Ha! . At first he was gung ho to file for divorce but hasn't done a thing about it. Im in limbo. Finances in a shambles... as usual but worse, trying to support 2 households on one salary. He said he wanted peace and to be accountable to no one. Nice. We have a daughter together. She is very confused and angry. Al anon has been a "sanity saver". I'm working on getting a sponsor. love to everyone here.
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Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Welcome to the boards, Beckylee! My sister's husband just left her(he's a sex addict) and did the same thing. Blamed her, said he wanted a divorce, and now 3 months later still hasn't done a thing about it. He lost his job, his car broke down and is beyond repair, and it's part of his disease. She is attending Al Anon as I encouraged her to go and it's been such a lifesaver for her. Keep posting here, we love new faces and new perspectives~
My husband has been sober for almost a year; May 30th will mark his first sobriety birthday.
He is attending AA meetings on a regular basis and a Monday night study group at a member's home. I see a significant difference. However, I do see some traits crop up, especially when things don't go the way he thinks they should. He can be impatient, judgmental, and turn the air around him blue.
When he gets that way, I don't try to resolve "his" issues. If I can, I remove myself physically. If I'm stuck with him, say, driving down the highway, I get real quiet, focus on my breathing and remind myself this little tantrum is not about me - it's about him and his misalignment.
Usually, but not always, when he settles down, I talk with him about it. He is usually open to looking at the situation differently. But there are times, he gets enraged again. I drop the discussion and go about my business
I'm not sure he has worked all the Steps. I hope he does someday. But that is his business.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
thank you i love dogs . Its so hard to explain to people who dont know about DDS . Going thru this seperation and probable divorce has been very difficult. For myself and my daughter. She did not experiance his drinking so she is baffled by his actions. Some people tell me he maybe going thru a mid-life crisis too. I don't know. It maybe a combination but his disease has progressed even without the drinking. I pray he comes back to AA but he is in God's hands. I have found understanding here. I will keep coming back. thk u
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Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hugs and welcome I hope you will start your own thread so we can welcome you properly!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yup, my ex RA is a dry drunk [ don't always like that phrase, prefer "Not recovering alcoholic " or "dry alcoholic" heh ], was sober when we met, still dry, but....yearg. In my case he went off his program and really slid, mentally. I thought I was the insane one, because he wasn't drinking, right? I don't really wish he'd had a drink, but sometimes I wish he did just so the situation would have become more clear to me!
Dry or not, sick or not, I got to the point where I thought, " Okay, you're sick - what are you going to do about it?" Sure, everyone wallows now and then, myself included, but as a lifestyle it's not feasible. This applies, to anyone, really. I came to this board, read alanon literature, and went to some meetings to sort out what was going on. Reading about anyone's experience with a dry drunk has been so helpful to me, so I just had to shout out to you too. You are not crazy!
The ex A who I was with blamed everything on me. If he could have blamed crashing the car on me he would have. I remember once he blamed ramming into someone on his co worker who wasn't even there.
I think what was crazy was for me to argue with them. Boundaries were not present in my life then now they are.
I notice stuff like lying these days in ways I didn't before. I notice things like inconsistencies.
The thing is I think the essence of codependence is the obession to try to fix someone. I no longer do that. Of course I am also no longer in a relationship with someone in that way. I do find ways to navigate around people but I'm no longer trying to impress, cure, fix, get people to like me. Some people do indeed like me but others don't. I can live with that these days.
I think i was always trying to make the alcoholic into the parent I never had.
It is so assuring to hear stories just like mine. I'm new to all of this but have done a lot of reading. The one powerful fact I hold on to is that even the doctors couldn't figure out what Bill had found back in 1934. It was the fellowship and support found through others. That turned Bill from a hopeless A to a recovering A. Ohhh, the stories Lois could tell!!!
Al-Anon offers that same solution. We can begin our happiness seeking journey with the followship provided by Al-Anon and others who are/have endured the same things we are. We're not alone like we've felt for so many years.
I just went through this tonight. My AH has been sober for over 4 months now but nights like tonight, I can just tell something is wrong. When I ask, he almost always answers "no" but I can tell there is so much more he's not telling me. Then we'll get into an argument, like we did tonight and he'll say things either mean to me or it could be about others in general (like tonight) and every other word is "xxxx." I just get tired of hearing it and I don't like the way he talks about our kids and how they annoy him. They are 3 and 1. What kids that age aren't? There is so much more I haven't said but yes, the dry drunk exists. Especially when I took my daughter to bed and came back to find him in bed. His way of ignoring me but at least thankfully, went to bed, rather than start another big fight. The only thing about tonight that upset me though is his comment about the things I need to change. I'm sure there are things I could improve on in my life but he decided tonight he didn't want to tell me. So instead of getting angry and lashing out at me, he instead ignored me and snuck off to bed without saying a word. Leaving me to feel like this whole thing was my fault. Today marks a year that he was escorted out of his job for cussing at a manager. It took them 3 weeks of unpaid leave to decide whether or not to let him go. Still not sure how to feel about that. I hate it he lost his job. The one he had for 12 years and perfect record. The one he was passionate about. So, in that respect, I disagree with the decision his company made to let him go. On the other hand, (and his employer did not know this), he was drinking on the job when he did what he did. He had been doing that for a while to combat the stress he was under. Losing his job finally made him realize that alcohol and him do not mix. So, thinking of it in that way, I am thankful he lost his job. It was time he realized that he's not good with alcohol. He just becomes a very mean person and not one you want to be around. Sorry I just went on and on. But I have been through the dry drunk nights. It does happen and it sucks but at least for me, it's not often and he's staying sober by following the program. But I am scared that he'll relapse because the one year anniversary of losing his job will be on June 16. And I KNOW he's thinking about it and regretting the events of May 31, 2011 that lead to losing his job.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 7th of June 2012 05:57:37 PM
Thanks for all the thoughts & suggestions. It helped me remember to focus on myself, my serenity, and to try not to control what I have no control over... Also, I need to get back to regular meetings!! Thanks again. xo
Its so hard to explain to people who dont know about DDS . Going thru this seperation and probable divorce has been very difficult. For myself and my daughter. She did not experiance his drinking so she is baffled by his actions. Some people tell me he maybe going thru a mid-life crisis too. I don't know. It maybe a combination but his disease has progressed even without the drinking. I pray he comes back to AA but he is in God's hands. I have found understanding here. I will keep coming back. thk u