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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Off topic: Need to vent about AH
Post Info TOPIC: Off topic: Need to vent about AH
ilovedogs


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Off topic: Need to vent about AH
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I am trying VERY hard to mind my own business, keep my mouth shut, and I am avoiding confrontation with him right now.  He seems very depressed after the sentencing last week and I already know he's been shopping for guns online.  Not sure why yet, but he's always been the type of guy to say, "The best thing that could happen for you would be for me to die.", stuff like that.  Yet, he's always been interested in pistols and has mentioned getting a gun many times in the past.  I am not anti gun, my mom has a farm and they have to shoot bear, fox, and other troublesome pests and I know how to use a gun myself.  But, because of AH's mental problems like depression, anxiety, and anger issues I have become pretty adamant that guns will not be allowed in our home.  He has not spoken to me about this, I borrowed his computer and saw his search history.  I have a counseling session tomorrow and will be asking her if I should talk to AH about the gun issue or if I should just wait and see what he's up to.  He knows that he will be on probation for the next 3 years and I wonder if he wants to try and get a gun without a permit or if he's planning something that is unthinkable?  I really hate to speculate so I'm just trying to inform myself and live in today.

He is ADHD and seems to start projects and then never finish them.  He even has a 'to do' list but never seems to get to his list.  Now that his depression seems worse, he's barely doing more than sitting on the couch watching tv, sitting in his office listening to talk radio, or sitting outside smoking his pipe.  He does help with the laundry but that's about all he's done in the past week.  Since he works from home, it appears that he does the minimum and just takes calls when they come it.  He doesn't seem to be putting in much effort into his job.  He is probably working about 3 hours a day, not bad for someone who makes 6 figures, LOL!

So, he decided that our AC units made too much noise behind the wall where the sofa is and he thought it would be a really neat idea to try to adhere solid insulation panels with expanding foam to the outside of the house.  OMG!  What a mess.  Now, I have insulation panels laying on my side yard coated with spray foam and spray foam stuck to the side of my stucco home!  Looks atrocious.  He has made NOT attempt to clean it up or make it look better.  Actually, I have no idea how to get the expanding foam off the side of my house without removing some of the stucco.  

He also bought a new shelf for our son's room about 4 months ago.  He opened the packaging and then left it sitting on the floor of my son's room.  At some point last week I said, "Hey, do we know what wall we're going to put that shelf up on?"  He got all defensive and says, "Does it have to go up now?  I'll get to it eventually!"  Umm, I didn't ask him to do it.  I was just asking where it was going to go, UGH!

I've been doing a bit of an experiment for the past few days.  He has a chair sitting in the front yard where he smokes his pipe.  About 2 feet away is a dead bird sitting in the rock wash.  I have chosen to NOT clean up the bird since he obviously sits right there.  He sat out there this AM and the bird is still there.  I'm just fascinated that he either 1. actually didn't see the bird all splayed out on the ground or 2. chose to ignore it knowing that I will see it eventually and will clean it up.  I have decided that I will clean up the bird, it's not worth discussing with him.

It's just these little things that are normal in any marriage that seem magnified to me and I am about to blow, LOL.  Oh, and does anyone know how to hook up a propane tank to a grill?  He exchanged the tank 2 weeks ago and then never hooked up the tank so it's just sitting outside.  I'm assuming it's pretty easy, right?  UGH!!!  I just feel like I do so much around here and he gets to sit around all depressed and mad at himself for getting a DUI, etc.  I'm just worn out physically and emotionally.  Can't wait to get away this weekend!  Our son is playing a tennis tournament about 3 hours from home and I booked us at a resort.  When we're not at the courts for his matches, I will be hanging by the pool with my virgin mojitos!



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Dolly Llama


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It's a Catch-22. If you leave the messes/unfinished projects, then you also have to live in the mess. If you clean up after them, it robs them of the opportunity and releases them from responsibility. And in my experience left me feeling resentful, like I had to do it all.

Can you hire a handy man to put up the shelf, repair the spray foam disaster, hook up the propane? That way, you get the result you want but don't have to do the work!

Above all, stay safe. The gun thing would worry me.

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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
AStrongerMe


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I like the hiring someone idea too. Personally - I can't live that way so if I couldn't hire someone, I'd take a DEEP breath and find a way to not resent doing it myself, and just get it done.

Honestly, if I hung a shelf, it would probably be crooked so maybe looking at a crooked shelf might motivate him. As for the wall outside, try a brillo pad on just the dry foam.

But if I could dig down and find a couple hundred bucks to pay a neighbor to do all of that, I'd be all over it for my sanity!

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Pushka


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At this point with the gun deal I agree .. ugh .. my AH also went into this mode as far as wanted a gun and I did put my foot down. I'm also someone who is not anti-gun .. I grew up having a healthy respect for guns. I even shot competitively in high school .. yes .. that was back in the day.

I also agree with hire someone especially if you can afford it. There is more than just the ADHD at least that is my experience in dealing with depression. Depression and ADHD mimic each other just like alcoholism and bi-polar do as well.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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hi, wow, its very difficult to be ADHD and be depressed. ADHD people need constant stimulation or they feel drowzy and unmotivated, cannot keep on task.

This is why they don't finish things. Then to be depressed on top of that, it brings in more that he plain does not care.

Well when it comes to guns you have already made that boundary and it is a wise one.

I do want to say, I love animals, every day I look on CL on the pets column. I do not want anything, just want to look at them.

Maybe he does have a high interest in guns, gets him going inside as he likes them so much.

Is he on meds? wow I want his job btw.

Myself I never mentioned the personal things, like the gun research you saw. Just another thing for them to be mad at us about as they think we are snooping and in their stuff.

Your attitude sounds really good to me. Glad you are getting away. BE where you are too, don't let it slip away too fast. (c:

thanks for posting, I liked it! debilyn



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ilovedogs


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I won't be mentioning the gun thing but I will be watching his behavior. He seems normal in all other ways. Buying tennis supplies, shopping for luggage, looking at investing in a few stocks, and talking about some future things he wants to complete. So, I see no indication that he's a danger at this point.

I already got rid of the bird, lol. I am going to check YouTube about how to set up the propane, and I'm going to try to hang the shelf by myself even if it winds up crooked. As for the insulation panels, I'll probably just wait that one out and see if he does anything. I'm just tired of living with laziness, but hey at least he's not drinking now!


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ilovedogs


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Ok, wow, too funny. I came home tonight and he had cleaned up most of the insulation and foam mess on the side yard and he had hooked up the propane. He also did some straightening up in the backyard. Now, if I can just get the shelf up, LOL!

Of course, while I was gone he drove on his suspended license and bought himself some NA beer again. I'm keeping my mouth shut and just being grateful for what's been done so far.

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orchidlover


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I know at certain points in my relationship with the ex A I spent a lot of time around him. The temptation to fixate on him was enormous. 

The ex A routinely refused to mow the lawn even though he had a lawn mower right there (that is when he didn't lend it to his friends) routinely refused to do any of the few tasks he had to do.  The consequences for those were enormous.   There had to be some reward for his belligerance.  Indeed I think he got a lot out of my fixation on him.

When I switched to not fixating on him suprizingly he started to mow the lawn and do all those things I absolutely obsessed about.  Of course for me to make that switch was an enormous task.   I know the ex A was absolutely astonished when I stopped nagging, asking, obsessing and indeed over time he felt absolutely prerry mad about it.  Then in his flawed logic he decided that as I had got "better' his problems were over when he drank and used just as much if not more than before.

The ex A indeed had an issue with guns.  He always wanted one.  Indeed I think some of his "risk taking" behaviors were either part of his drug addiction or another mental health issue.  What I regret now is having put myself in harms way so many times.  I felt it was at that time impossible to leave as there were so many issues in leaving.  Being boundaryless was lethal for me.

Maresie.



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Dolly Llama


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orchid wrote:  Indeed I think he got a lot out of my fixation on him.

This was my experience, too.  I suppose it is somehow...validating...to have a passenger with you on the crazy train.  My focus on his behaviors made *me* crazy.  And then my craziness became the focus, the reason for all our marriage problems.  For example, I became depressed and despondant.  Depressed people don't tend to have sex drives.  So then the lack of sex became the driving issue, in his eyes, of what was wrong in our relationship.  I could explain that rudeness, drunkenness, and verbal abuse was not attractive to me...and he would say that if I would put out once in a while, he would be less stressed.  Same sort of rationale with money issues.  Well, you get the point.

When I stopped nagging and fixating on him, his behavior escalated.  In his mind, I had "checked out" of the marriage.  Was very threatened when I started to take care of me. 



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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
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