The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH was gone for a week, and returned yesterday evening (he is still staying with his parents). I let his mother take our 2 year old daughter to the airport to pick him up, so that he could have time with her. I have no idea where he has been, and have not asked. All I know is that I felt some relief this week. I was able to attend 3 face to face meetings, plus my weekly counseling appointment.
I was just thinking - I am so glad I called the police 5 weeks ago when he got physical. I hear it takes a woman an average of 12 abusive incidents before doing something about it, or getting out of the relationship. For me, this was the 5th or 6th episode - the aggression has slowly been increasing. No, he didn't punch me in the face - but I get grabbed, yanked, screamed at in my face, pushed, and this last time hit in the shoulder/chest while slamming a door on me (with my daughter in his arms). Now there is at least a police report, and the neighbors know we have a situation, so they can be vigilant.
I FINALLY REALIZED THIS MORNING THAT IT WASN'T MY FAULT! No matter what he thinks I did to push his buttons (crying, begging him to hand me my daughter). At one point his mother said she thought both of us needed to take responsibility for our own parts - I was so confused by that. Now I don't care - this isn't just about learning how to "argue fairly."
I don't know what will happen. His parents have been "working with him" - i.e. he has stayed away from me, and is supposedly getting counseling of some sort and has found spirituality. Really, though, am I supposed to believe this has changed him?
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I'm sooooo glad to hear you are taking care of you and taking care of your daughter. No, ... you aren't suppose to believe that this has changed him as .. as we all know change takes a LOT of time .. the only change you need to worry about is how YOU are changing. What he chooses to do or not do .. it's on him, ... he is going to have to show through his actions vs his words what has changed and what hasn't and that is NOT on you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You know I think the responsibility for my part took a long long time to funnel in. In the beginning I had to hold the boundary and hold onto it long and hard.
Then eventually I got to see living with any alcoholic is a really difficult undertaking. There is a situation called a double bind. Whatever you do has consequences.
If I had left the ex A the first red flag I saw there would have been consequences. I couldn't weigh consequences back then. Now I do. If I meet someone with a history of violence and controlling behavior unless they have done an incredible amount of work that's what they regress to most of the time. Sure they can put on a great front, an incredible front but their behavior is everything.
Speaking of my part in any situation I have to weigh it up. Yesterday I worke dand several of my co workers goofed off. I continued to work but I have to look long and hard as to whether I want to continue holding their end up. I didn't have a fit, get upset, get angry, get resentful, I just looked clearly at the situation and saw a bunch of immature people who were trying to get one over. I don't much care for staying there on a long term basis because that certainly isn't any resemblance to team work.
My boundaires are so important to me these days. I live, eat and sleep boundaries. How I maintain them is a complicated business, when they are crossed I know it. I didn't obliterate them, devalue them or feel hopeless around them but I do monitor them every day, that's my part these days, no one gets to cross them without there being some action on my part.
Hi KL I was always confused by AlAnon-ers who always asked me "what was MY part in it?" I was confused. How dare you blame me for anything. It's not my problem, it is his. Those who are not in AlAnon always ask us too a lot of "why" questions. Why did it happen. What did you do to make it happen?
I finally, after quite a few YEARS thinking about it, came up with my answer...... "I let it happen." I didn't stop it sooner. I didn't have my boundaries in place. I was ignorant of what was happening. I made excuses for him. I didn't see and understand the escalation that was happening. Basically, it was that hindsight is 20/20. While you are living it, it happens incrementally. It is hard to see while it is happening.
So don't listen to them. You know you are in exactly the right place right now. Your HP is at your side and has been all along. You are in charge of yourself, not the hubby.
I do believe people can change. I know I have changed from my past behaviours thats for sure. My Dad has changed. I do my job because I believe people can change.
I don't believe it 'just happens', it takes work and effort and a long time. It takes serious counselling or working a program. It takes a major change to change the person.
It may be maturity, or a major life event that helps people to change. Should you believe this has changed him?? I dunno?? I can't answer that.
Do you believe he has really put in the work to change? Do you believe he WANTS to make changes? Do you believe you are the person he can make those changes with or is there too much history there. I know for me, I would be that same old person I was if I was still in that same old (negative) relationship I was in.
What has he done to show you he has changed? Do you trust him enough to make and keep those changes up long enough and well enough to give your daughter a good life? A safe life?
