The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am not sure if I am in some sort of survival mode.
I asked my AH to move out, and its been almost 2 weeks. After crazy talk for days, he has finally given up and realized that I am no longer going to fight with him so he has stopped texting. Thank you HP, I thought I was going to loose it there the first few days.
He drove 700 miles away to stay with his family. I feel so much relief. I feel free.
It is like I cannot wait for the next day to start now as I feel I have so much to do, and so excited to get started with my day. I never used to feel that way, and it really does feel good.
Tonight, I wonder tho, am I in some kind of survival mode, or is this how it feels to be free and independent? Its weird for me because I have always been the main bread winner in our home. So some would say that I was independent, not really... For some reason, I never felt I could do anything without permission. I handled all the finances, he tried to go to school for a little while, and tried to take care of our daughter for a little while. Neither worked for him, but I continued to handle the finances and kept a good job to support our family.
Now that he is not here, I feel like I finally have the freedom to do the things I want. I went to dinner with a few friends last night, took the kids with me and we had a great time! If my AH was here, I would never have gone...I would jave felt irritated that he couldnt be there with me, or embarrassed if he was with me.
I feel like I can have friends over now, and not be embarrassed that my AH goes and hides and doesnt come out until my company is gone.
I am changing our cable tv service and internet on Monday. I have wanted to do that for MONTHS! Now I am, and it is going to save me over 100.00 a month and the service will be better!
I am moving stuff around the house, and putting all of his things in the wrong places, and by golly it just feels so good. I finally dont have to justify what I am doing any more... I dont have to JADE!
This afternoon, I played and talked with my kids for hours, and didnt feel guilty that I wasnt paying attention to my AH or cleaning the house.
My feelings/actions revolved around my AH for 12 years. Today my feelings and actions revolve around me and my kids.
For me when AH first moved out and he's closer than yours I think I would probably be swinging from the clouds to have that kind of distance, I think the first few weeks were a combination of shock and relief. It has made getting things done around here sooo much easier. I can't begin to tell you everything has gone down .. the electric/gas bill, internet never has to be shut off, groceries, I mean EVERYTHING as far as expense has gone down, gas .. it's just so crazy. We are doing more and spending less if that makes any sense at all??
I've just had the first taste of doing something my AH would have hated to wait through, and normally I would have passed it by and I didn't!!! I'm sooo glad I didn't it was such a freeing experience to know I could and I didn't have to check to see if the mood was right. You describe it perfectly as freedom!
It was pretty euphoric .. so I feel like I'm moving out of survival mode and into a lot more feeling free. Living life on life's terms is what I have heard it called. What I have noticed most is that the feelings I had locked away are coming up and shocking me a bit from time to time and those are brief times now. Each time I cycle through what I've read others say is a cycle of grief .. I realize that I'm coming out on the other side so much stronger than before.
It's such a good feeling to know .. I'm going to get better and I'm going to be better. Tuesday's issues made me realize that it's all going to be ok no matter what. It might be a little scary at times it's still going to be ok.
It just sounds to me like you are in a place of taking your personal power for the first time and that's a wonderful place to be!! It's not always easy .. it is always rewarding on so many levels.
Keep working your program and it will keep getting better!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow Great recovery!!!! Sounds to me as if you have finally connected with your ture self and the self esteem that has been dormant for years is now operating .
Keep on showing up for you It looks and sounds good on you
For me, I got a great burst of energy (I say from my HP) when we split. I had some anxiety at first, but I read (somewhere) that when we first start to take care of ourselves and live life like this, it can indeed feel scary.
But my spirit got used to it really quick!
It is such a wonderful feeling, knowing that you are free to invite people over (my AH was so paranoid of people stealing his stuff, I never had anyone over), to make your own decisions, and not be held hostage by an alcoholic anymore.
ENJOY IT. Love your life, dragon. This is such good news, I am smiling ear to ear for you.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
OH, that sounds wonderful! My sister went through this when she kicked her husband out a few months ago. He was sleeping around and she told him to go live with one of his girlfriends. In the process, he's lost his job, his car died, and all because she wasn't there to wake him up or put oil in his car. And, she feels so free! She is going back to church, focusing on her kids, and just enjoying life right now. Granted he's still bugging her, coming over to see the kids, etc but she feels that a weight has been lifted.
I have to keep remembering if it is good for me, then it is good for my children and it is good for my AH. (I read that in Getting Them Sober, not sure if it was #1 or #2)
dragonflys - I think it is a little of both you are feeling. I kicked my AH out 3 months ago today and I remember the first time I came home and I sat in the driveway and was so happy because I knew he wasn't inside waiting for me and I wouldn't have to assess his mood and try to figure out if he had been drinking - well, I'm sure you know how it is. Enjoy, it is wonderful.
ilovedogs: how is your sister managing with him coming over to see the kids? I am in the process of trying to work this out. My AH was in a recovery program but stopped after 1 month. He claims he is going to AA meetings, but I don't believe him. He wants to take our children to his house for the weekend, but it makes me terribly nervous because I don't know where he is in his sobriety.
