Struggling with fears / abandonment issues - Al-Anon Family Group

littlehawk · Veteran Member

Struggling with fears / abandonment issues

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Little Hawk and welcome to the board...What excuse or justification do you have not to talk nice to yourself? We learn in our recovery that we are a beautiful creation, loving, courageous, children of God (Akua for me) and therefore have no justification for not loving ourselves and others equally.

Abandonment issues are only some of the issues from this most powerful disease...there are many others...like self degradation and more. Alcoholism and addictions are "thee" most powerful of mind, mood, spirit and body afflictions and having said that, you are one of the many many victims of it ending up feeling valueless and more.

She knows or is finding out what its going to take to save her life and you must also. She cannot be the focus and reason for your happiness cause she doesn't and hasn't had the power to be that even when she had your permission and allowance to be that. None of us have that or should have that power. Your happiness is an inside job and for me the validation is from a vertical relationship with a power much more greater than the disease and my alcoholic/addict or anyone else in my life. She is being honest and courageous at the same time and you can follow her lead as she starts her recovery. My alcoholic/addict ex-wife who I never ever thought would survive alcoholism and drug addiction on any level became my metaphor for humility and the courage to be humble even several years into my own recovery. Her actions mentored my own change and then that is how my Higher Power works for me. I don't get to tell my HP how to do it so I learned that my ex-spouse went into rehab and put a bag over her head and kept it on for two weeks telling the staff and everyone else who was curious, "that she had learned that if she didn't allow herself to be blindly led thru the inpatient rehab, that she would never recover from the disease." Allow your "E" the dignity of her choice and now focus on your own.

What I did was find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the area I was living at that time from the white pages of the local telephone book. I found that number after calling Help in Emotional Troubles and the Suicide Prevention Center. I got a live voice to talk to and the times and places where Al-Anon met and then got to the first face to face meeting I could and then stuck out 102 meetings in 90 days before making a decision if it would be for me. That was in 1979. The spiritual based 12step and 12tradition program is my mental and behavioral set today just like many of the others you come here to support you and others. You are not alone in anyway shape or form. We certainly do know how your shoes fit.

White pages...Al-Anon...phone number...call...listen...learn...go as soon as you can and get to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days and keep coming back her/home with us cause we will do this together. ((((hugs)))) smile

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I have abandonment issues too. I think that was what kept me in the relationship for so long. I can't recommend highly enough the book Getting them Sober. I think that book helped me to get to grips with the disease. Another book, Ninety Days by Bill Clegg also helped me to understand the disease too.

There are meetings here twice a day. I think they are a lifesaver as is the chat board. I think this board can also help you a great deal. Lean on al anon. Let people in here and lean on them to feel included, part of an more. I know with al anon I am never alone, never abandoned and never solely dependent on one person.

Maresie.

MyBrokenHeart · Member

Hey littlehawk.I'm a newbie too.

I understand what it feels like to have someone you love go away and understand your issues with abandonment.

But think about it. She is sick. She's going to in-patient to get better.

Would you feel these issues if she had to undergo physical rehab after having a traumatic accident?

She is doing what she needs to do for herself, and you have to let her do that.

And I promise you that when she gets out, you're in for one of the best hugs you've ever had!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi and welcome! Also congrats on you both wanting recovery! Its great she is taking it so seriously. Hey this disease is strong and it takes so much longer for most people to get a strong recovery going that just the in patient rehab. The best I have seen was at least a year.

Whatever she does to find her strong recovery plan is like gold or diamonds. I am so glad.

Now you. Well you will hear go to Al Anon meetings, read literature, Getting Them Sober volume one by Toby Rice Drew.Courage to Change, One Day at a Time.

Well maybe this is a good thing! You now know you may need to work on your self love, self strength. For me challenging me and conquering fears helped so much. Doing volunteer work and finding out more about me, helping others with hard stuff, looking inside myself.

Take a class or two. When we feel strong in ourselves, we don't feel so afraid of being left.

My first husband died. I was left with two babies. Then 18 years later I remarry, he has a brain surgery over a couple years was so abusive and brain damaged he left. HORRIBLE. But since I worked on me for 18 years, I came out ok, after being nuts awhile..haha

But I am not afraid of a new relationship and afraid they will die or whatever.

Its up to YOU. Maybe look at this time as seeing how well you can stay strong and supportive for her and you. Also for me I was always my husbands friend first.

When my second was so sick and so not him, I went into friend mode, for him and me. When we love someone we encourage them to be the best they can be. We don't discourage. That is a huge part of good relationships.

LIfe is like that hon, we get a good job we lose it. or we don't. We grow a garden, we get good produce or the deer eat it. NOTHING is really constant but inconsistancy!

So to go along with your girl friend,watching her grow, supporting and doing the same for you can only make you stronger. She may back off some as she is working on her. The more you can mellow out and accept that the better.

You will have to be the stronger one keeping the home going. But all along remember, she has a very strong powerful disease she is coming to terms with. She is fighting for her life.

Its very serious.

I hope this helps some. Please keep coming!!hey and I tell ya, I stopped the negative bolony in my head and put in only positive stuff. NO negative talk in my head. It is insane to do that! It only tears us down.

More Hey I like me, if someone doesn't then oh well there is the door. If we are abandoned, then we climb back up again.

With people who love us. like us here at MIP! hugs,debilyn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholics can't really be there for us. It is all they can do to take care of their disease. I had abandonment issues also. Another person can't really take that pain away. It is up to us to fill the hole. I found my Higher Power. Alot of serenity prayer, keep busy, look in other places for support. It does get better.

Nancy

littlehawk · Veteran Member

Wow. You have all touched some sort of understanding inside me. The understanding I had finally achieved before this relationship began. Nice to feel that relaxed "knowing" that I haven't felt in quite awhile. All of you touched that. But I have to give props to Jerry F for speaking my language. Your post opened my mind and therefore the rest of your words could get through to me. Thanks so much! I will definitely be back here.

I get that she is doing this for her own recovery and that I should respect her so much for fighting through this. It takes strength to do what she's doing, and it is not punishment for me. NOW... to strengthen this logic so that my emotions don't drown it out!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.