Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling really angry
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling really angry
Bargee


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 65
Date:
Feeling really angry
Permalink  

This is a really long post, so I understand if you don't want to read it.

As some of you may know I'm at my wits end with my AH and the way he has been treating me.  At the moment I really cannot stand him.

So...anyway we wake up this morning and the first thing he wants is sex!!  We have hardly even spoken civilly to each other in weeks and he expects this from me.  I shrugged him off and got up (my baby is an excellent excuse).  He is being fairly nice once we're both up, but I can't help thinking it's only because he wants something.  That's how I feel about him right now, that everything has an ulterior motive, like yesterday he was meant to drop the eft-pos card off to me at work so that I could go and get groceries afterwards.  He forgot, then got home after his course with a dozen beer!  So did he really 'forget' or did he just say he had so that he could buy beer??  Anyway back to the story...I asked him to stop writing on one of my notebooks beside the computer (yes pathetic I know, but it annoys me when he doodles all over it) and he just got all shitty.  I straight away got shitty back and just lost the plot with him.  I'm pretty sure it was a whole lot of pent up anger that spewed out of me.  I told him that he had no respect for me or things that I cared about.  I also told him that I don't trust him, that he is out of control (behaviour wise) and that he is a selfish jerk and that the only reason he was trying to be nice was because he wanted sex.  I was so wild.  He just kept saying I was out of control because it was only a notebook.  He really couldn't see that it was a whole lot more than that, and yeah I know us females can be a bit 'nutty' when we are angry and go off on tangents, but I just couldn't take it anymore.  He always calls me names when he's drunk, even though he knows how much I hate it, well today I just couldn't contain myself anymore and I called him a stupid c@#t!!  I'm not impressed with myself and very embarrassed, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Anyway he sulked for a while and then came right.  He told me that he had woken up this morning with the intention of trying harder.  An hour after this he has gone out to his mates house to drink!!!!  And that is another story too.  He invited them over here, but they can't come over (another long story and this post is long enough) so he came up with a 'plan'.  He will go over there and when our daughter wakes up I can go and pick him up.  I said no cause I'm sick of going to pick him and then he won't leave and then I end up being in the wrong because I am 'making' him leave.  He told me to give him one more chance (like he hasn't had enough!!) and kept going on and on about how he promises it won't be like that anymore etc etc.  I agreed just to shut him up.  The last things I said to him before he walked out the door was "I don't like you when you drink, I don't like you when you are sober and drinking (active alcoholic) and how can you think you are being nice to me when you are pissing off and doing the one thing I hate, on the first day of you trying."

I know that I shouldn't have said all that to him, but as I said I just couldn't take it anymore.  I also know that he isn't doing this to hurt me, but right now I'm really struggling with that.

Anyway sorry for the long post, I really really just needed to get this off my chest and this board is the only place I know who understands me.

Thank you.



__________________

You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.
Eleanor Roosevelt
rehprof


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 689
Date:
Permalink  

Sounds like you had a nice tour in crazytown.  wink

The crazy circles we go around in with our As...man, it's exhausting, confusing, frightening, and can bring out the worst in us.

I remember screaming at mine, with a scotch bottle in my hand...don't remember what I said, because I was really out of my mind with rage at that point.

Try to let it go -- his behavior...detaching will help keep you and your daughter out of crazytown...don't attend every argument you are invited to...when he drops the hook, quietly walk away.

Take care of you. Pray the serenity prayer and hear what it says. And please know you are among people who SO get this.

((((HUGS))))) and lots of good juju coming your way...



__________________
GailMichelle


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1230
Date:
Permalink  

I recall those crazy days.  Gaining understanding & tools for living through Al-Anon and other sources helped me tremendously.

As a result, I rarely have a crazy-making day.

I know you want your life to get better.  Be willing to seek solutions and not focus on the problem.  I found focusing on the problem only made it grow.

Nice to have this board for venting.......but don't get stuck in that mode for too long.  It's a start to a better life ~ recognizing, acknowledging, instead of denying.



__________________

You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
nmike


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2677
Date:
Permalink  

Sounds crazy and my life still is even though I don't live with my AHsober. What comes to mind is boundaries. Even if they are small. You don't have to go on that ride with him every time. Exercise your choices. Take care of you.

Nancy

__________________
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

Bargee - Being angry is progress over being a sad victim. While your behavior was not a model of serenity - It may be progress for you. At least you had enough self esteem to know you deserve better. What to do from here is up to you. Everything you said makes sense and all your reactions are justified. Nonetheless, the program tells us to stay away from justified anger also because it destroys our serenity just as badly. You don't have to tolerate behaviors that are intolerable to you, but on the other hand it's doesn't make you happy to be getting so angry. I guess detachment continues to be the goal.

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

yeah I know us females can be a bit 'nutty' when we are angry and go off on tangents, but I just couldn't take it anymore. d

Ok I take issue with this. You had stuff to get out and you did.

I also know that it is WAY more than his doodling. If you guys were getting along and you were in love, I guarentee you would love to see his doodles. no put intended...

I loved to hear my Ah snore, I loved how routine he was, how tunnel visioned etc.

It sounds like you are sick of him in your space, sick of your not having anything that is your own. Like the disease is filling in all your life and sucking the you out of it.

Men are so brain damaged when it comes to sex. Like that is trying harder???? Getting up, takeing care of baby, making breakfast is more like it.

Ok so what can YOU do to make things liveable for you?

What path are you going to pick now? The one to crazytown as others have mentioned or to Al Anon?  hugs hugs! debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
jewel91


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 24
Date:
Permalink  

It's good to see that you're getting your thoughts out into the open. Sometimes it's hard to admit when we're acting crazy and 'losing it'. But we all have our ways of expressing our feelings. Reading your post makes me not feel so guilty about my wild reactions to my AH. My daughter (13 y/o) can recount with clarity some of the angry episodes that we (AH & me) have had over the past few years. I really tried to forgive myself and forget it, but kids remember everything!

Keep on reading & writing. It good to know that we are not alone in this struggle...


__________________
BuzzBuzz


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 12
Date:
Permalink  

Bargee wrote:

 Anyway back to the story...I asked him to stop writing on one of my notebooks beside the computer (yes pathetic I know, but it annoys me when he doodles all over it) and he just got all shitty.  I straight away got shitty back and just lost the plot with him.

 

Oh how I can identify, just this morning I got the gumption to ask my AW to stop using my "Christmas Coffee Mug" for her every day mug. I've asked her many times but every previous time I came from a place of irritation at HER, losing the plot etc reacting to her indifferance.  In my family, we have a tradition of having christmas coffee cups during the December holidays. I brought that tradition with me over to England. It's very special TO ME.   She says to me, "That is so silly. I just grabbed a cup, I don't pay attention to it."  Rolls her eyes, and says "I'll just pour my tea in another cup."  I respond, "You don't need to change cups this time. But the tradition though, not important to you, means something to me. If you wouldn't mind to just use another one or even use your X-Mas cup." She agreed, whether or not she will abide by it I don't know. But I feel better for coming from "my side of the street" using my little Al-Anon tools. (I don't have many yet, but the ones I have are getting a work out smile )

And as other people say, we can lay down boundaries no matter what they are about, and that is the progress. The boundary might get stomped on, but hey ho. I so get where you are coming from as I feel like that's how I've been lately, bottled up with anger and then the top blows.  Sending you a big hug, because you are here and YOU know what to do for YOU!



__________________
Aloha


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1652
Date:
Permalink  

Thanks for sharing with us Bargee

How are your meetings going? Have you made it to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings?

__________________
Daisy Girl


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 21
Date:
Permalink  

Ah yes! The anger... I am there with you today. Woke up angry, carried it all day, and I am exhausted.

Detaching isn't easy, neither is finding serenity, but we must persist! It will be worth it.

__________________
Bargee


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 65
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you all for you replies.
One of the things I really love about this board is the huge variety of advice (not really the right word) that you get.
It's so neat and refreshing to hear so many different view points and there is always something that I take out of each post.
I also love the way no one judges me, no matter how angry and 'crazy' I may sound. I also love the fact that even though I am across the other side of the world from a lot of you, I somehow feel less alone now.
I am glad that I am not the only one who 'loses the plot' over silly little things, that actually mean huge horrible things, if you get what I mean.

Um so things I am going to try....
* Not to get caught up in dumb arguments when he is being a dick head and argumentative (this is very hard for me as I have a temper at the best of times). This is definately going to be a 'work in progress'. When I get angry and want to 'blow up' at him I am going to try and think of my daughter and how much I don't want her to hear me 'ranting'.
* Try to let go of my anger towards him (have no idea how to go about this!!!)

About my meeting....
It was a big fail. I turned up and there was no one there at all. I'm pretty sure I had the right time and place, but I dunno.
I had just read about the meeting in a small newspaper ad, so maybe I'll check this weeks paper and make sure I got the right time and place.
I only live in a small town and as far as I know there is only one meeting a week. I think there may be another meeting in the town next to us (about 15 mins away), so maybe I'll try and find out about that one, but not sure how to find out where and when it is.

I don't really know how to improve my life and how to cope/deal with my AH. The last two days have been pretty good so I have had a 'breather' although I am always on edge right now.

Thank you so much for your wonderful replies.

How do you detach?


__________________

You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs,

As far as the meeting goes please please please call the local alanon hotline in your area .. there was a meeting listed for a long time that had been closed for a while. The groups had tried to get if off the paper and do you know that it took almost a 1 1/2 years for the paper to follow through and stop listing it.

For me detaching means giving myself permission to care about someone without having to take everything they do personally as a front against me. I give them permission to be where they are at and love them anyway. It's not always an easy task.

Hugs P :)

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling really angry